Love is Blind
by Super Ceech
Summary: Love is blind...and deaf...and mute...and stupid! Join us for an indepth look at the...odder pairings of Inuyasha. Cowritten by Spacewolf and Calum the Angel!
1. Sesshoumaru and Kagome

A/N (Super Ceech) Howdy, everybody! Here's the brilliant beginning to Spacewolf, Calum and I's screwy pairings fic! Here we shall make fun of every possible weird pairing we can think of or have seen in other people's fics. No offense is meant, but we do have a few issues to raise with the choice of a few of these pairings... So now, without further ado (except a brief A/N from Spacewolf who, by the way, wrote this first one–which is Sess/Kag), on with the fic...kinda...thingy!

A/N (Spacewolf) We decided it was time to make fun of all those pairings out there we don't approve of! We're not insulting you if you like these pairings, but we are here to spread humour!

* * *

Her raven hair splayed around her pale face. He'd kidnapped her from his younger brother. The filthy hanyou brat's play–pretty.

Sesshomaru hadn't seen her up close. Ever. He never concerned himself with filthy humans while chasing his father's sword. He knelt beside her prone figure and rolled her over.

He cocked his head aside, looking into her pale features.

Perhaps he'd been too hasty in ignoring her before. He'd never noticed before how her lashes made dark crescents on her porcelain cheeks. Her lips were like cherries. Full, plump and delicious looking.

He felt his heart, cold as stone slowly begin to thaw.

She stirred and moaned.

Her long sooty lashes fluttered open and she gave a startled yelp.

"Ack! What are you doing here?" she demanded, looking around frantically. "Inuyasha! Inuyasha!"

"My brother isn't here," Sesshomaru said impassively, rising to his full height. "I have abducted you!"

"What?" she trembled. "Why? You can't just go around kidnapping people! Why would you do this?"

Sesshomaru stopped to consider this question.

He shrugged calmly.

"Seemed like a good idea at the time," he answered.

"Oh."

Her anger deflated and she was more lovely still. Her cheeks still flushed with her previous fear.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked him with a frightened frown.

"Because I've fallen madly, madly in love with you," he answered.

"Ah buh?" she demanded him incredulously. "Do you even know my name?"

Sesshomaru stopped to consider it. "You know, I don't think I do!"

He went down on one knee and took her hand in his one and only hand. He kissed her knuckles and looked up at her beseechingly.

"Would you tell me your name?" he asked her. "So that my heart may know that title of that which I crave with all my longings?"

"Um," she said, looking rather uncomfortable with all the attention. "My name is Kagome Higa..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" he interrupted standing up and cutting across her voice impatiently. "I don't want your whole life story, lady!"

She fell silent, looking torn between annoyance and fear.

"Come," he said, grabbing her and flinging her over his shoulder.

As he didn't have an arm, she slid off and landed flat on her face on the floor.

"Oof!" she grunted.

"Oh," he said, looking down at her, by his feet. "Sorry about that!"

He left the room for a minute and returned a moment later with a large scaly dragon arm attached to his shoulder. He grabbed her and flung her over his shoulder once again; as it is a manly and sexy thing to do.

"As I was saying, come. We must now consummate our relationship! And express our feelings as we can only do with hard core nudity!"

"INUYASHA!"

She began kicking and thrashing. He ignored it and took her to his bedchamber (because Sessy can't just have a bedroom. Aw na! No! Sesshomaru HAS to have a bedchamber!)

He pushed open the door and gently dropped her on a small mountain of pillows. His bedchamber was all gauze and pillows. Silks and satins (for reference, please see your nearest brothel).

"I really need to go!" Kagome said frantically, jumping up. He pushed her back into the cushions.

"You never have to go anywhere else again, my love," he said in his deep, powerful, manly, sexy voice.

He walked to a small table and grabbed a bottle of scotch.

"Brandy, my love?" he asked her, offering the bottle for her inspection.

"I'm not old enough to drink!" Kagome said frantically.

"Ah."

Sesshomaru carefully poured all of the scotch into a large bowl and then began to drop in pills from a sweet tart container beside the bottle of scotch.

Kagome stared in amazement as Sesshomaru calmly drank the whole thing. Kagome frowned at him, waiting for him to pass out from ingesting so many pills and alcohol.

Much to her surprise, he marched to the bedchamber door and flung it open.

"Jaken! Play sexy music!" he ordered.

Obligingly, soft exotic strains began to fill the room. From the hallway, Kagome could hear a melodic voice in the hall begin to sing.

"In the land of Oz, where the women don't wear bras!"

Sesshomaru shut the door and walked towards her.

He gave her a coy, 'come hither' look over the band of armor, protecting his shoulder. He fluttered his eyes lashes and slid it down over his shoulder.

_Screeeek!_

Kagome winced.

His armor obviously could use some oil. Nonetheless, he reached behind his back and undid the fastens on it and dropped it to the ground.

Next it was time for the sash around his waist. He slowly turned around and undid the bow. He opened it and slipped it down so it was covering his behind. He gave her a coy look over his shoulder and tossed it aside.

He then grabbed the end of his fluffy and twirled it around playfully, wiggling his hips suggestively. He grabbed the other end with his clawed dragon hand. He began to slide it down his back, shimmy-ing as he walked towards Kagome.

He threw his fluffy over her head and pulled her to her feet. He then pulled her up against himself and continued to shimmy.

He wrapped his fluffy around her and let her fall back into her cushions. She gratefully pulled it up around her, enjoying its vast fluffiness. As she fingered it, Sesshomaru backed off, dancing to the music.

Kagome decided that if anything too soul–scarring happened, she could hide her face in the fluffy. Or smother herself to death. One or the other!

He grabbed the edges of his kimono and slowly opened it, and slipped it off his shoulders. He caught it, before it had slipped completely off and posed for Kagome with a bare chest. Then he dropped it to the floor and gave it a contemptuous kick.

"It's not like I'll need it again for a while anyway," he said with an extra husky voice.

With a quirk of his eyebrow he bent over, presenting Kagome with a full view of his behind. He coyly began to undo the laces on his little curly toed shoes. Kagome thought they would have been cute except his ass was in her face!

It didn't seem to be going as he planned. He tugged at it, grunting in frustration, making his behind dance dangerously close to her nose.

"Dammit!" he muttered. "Stupid laces! I told Jaken not to double knot it!"

He grabbed his foot, tugging at the laces, hopping in place to keep his balance. He tugged viciously and had to lean wildly to one side to keep upright. He straightened up and kicked a cushion.

Unfortunately the cushion was hiding a large book entitled Kama Sutra. Kagome was about to check it out and see if it was any good, but she didn't want to move and attract Sesshomaru's attention.

Sesshomaru began to walk innocently about the room, hands clasped behind his back as if he didn't care about his shoes.

With a sudden jolt he kicked up and grabbed his foot, tugging at the shoe, growling curses under his breath.

"Frikafracka!" he growled.

In a flash of inspiration, he braced his foot against the wall and kept tugging at the laces.

"Come on, you damn laces!" he growled. "I can't get laid until you undo-o-o-o!"

Sesshomaru lost his balance and toppled back.

Apparently, trying to compensate, and still look impressive, he rolled over onto his front and smiled at Kagome, kicking at his shoe with his other foot.

His smile began to become rather strained when he had no success. He then proceeded to roll about on the floor, muttering and grabbing his shoe. He paused periodically to give Kagome sexy, lusty looks.

Finally he flopped onto his back and thrashed around a bit in annoyance.

"Jaken!" he wailed. "Come in here!"

Jaken's singing cut off right at,

"There's a hole in the wall and the kids can see it all...."

Jaken hurried in and saw Sesshomaru lying splayed out on the ground. Sesshomaru stuck his foot in Jaken's face and pointed at it with a pout. Sesshomaru crossed his arms and glared at Jaken as Jaken expertly undid the shoe and tossed it aside.

"Now the other one!" Sesshomaru ordered. Jaken obeyed. "Now go play sexy music!"

Jaken dropped the second shoe and hurried back out to finish his amazingly sexy song. Sesshomaru stood up and cleared his throat.

"Now my little apple-peach!" he said. "Where were we?" He put his hands behind his head and piled his hair on top of his head. And that was a lot of hair!

"Oh yes," he said slyly. "I remember!"

He grabbed the hem of his abnormally high pants, just under his armpits. With a wickedly naughty eyebrow wriggle he began to slowly slip and slide his white pants down. First, down off his ribs, and then, slowly along his abdomen. His grin widened as he began to slowly slip them off his hips.

Kagome wasn't sure if she should look away and cry, or watch avidly and drool. At this point, it was a toss up.

Just as she was making this choice, a little girl ran in, flinging open the door. Sesshomaru froze, with a stricken look on his face. It was rather akin to someone who'd been caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

"Sesshomaru-sama!" the little girl said, frowning at him. "Where'd your clothes go?"

"Oh, here and there, Rin," he answered tightly.

His eyes flickered back to Kagome, as if seeking her help. Kagome wasn't about to do a crazy thing like that, though!

"Why aren't you wearing all your clothes, Fluffy-sama?" Rin asked curiously. "And how come your pants are so low? You usually wear them up here!" She put her hands to her chest to illustrate how high she was talking about.

She turned to look at Kagome.

"And what is she doing in your room? With your fluffy?"

"How to explain this to a child," Sesshomaru said to himself going down on one knee. He sat down and crossed his legs. Rin scampered into his lap and immediately began to play with his hair.

It would have been so cute, except....

"You see, Rin," Sesshomaru said, holding the child who seemed oblivious to the large dragon arm around her shoulder. "As people get older, they get thirstier. So I was trying to persuade Kaily—"

"Kagome," she corrected darkly.

"I don't care," Sesshomaru told her, shaking his head. "As I was saying, I was trying to persuade whatsherface to let me drink her saliva!"

Kagome and Rin made identical gagging sounds. Sesshomaru glared at Kagome as if to say 'if you're not going to be part of the solution, don't be part of the problem!'

"Is that true?" Rin asked Kagome innocently.

"Yeah sure," Kagome said, edging towards the door. "Listen, I'm going to go get us a drink. So, I'll be right back!"

She flung the fluffy at Sesshomaru and Rin and ran as if her life depended on it. She tripped over Jaken and kept running frantically.

"I don't think she's coming back, Fluffy-sama," Rin said slowly, looking up at Sesshomaru. He pulled his fluffy off the top of his head.

"Don't worry Rin," he said, kissing the top of her head. "She'll be back!" Smugly he added. "They ALWAYS come back!"


	2. Kouga and Kagura

A/N (Super Ceech) Alrighty, folks! Just a few words before we begin with this newest chapter, written by yours truly, Kouga/Kagura!

Tenma Kitsune, actually, we didn't get any flames... And the reason we decided to put Sess/Kag first was BECAUSE it's the most popular...and also one of the most unlikely, if you ask us. Just reread the first chapter if you want a demonstration of the improbability of it all... Sesshoumaru has to be completely OOC if it were to work at all... Inuyasha, as far as I'm concerned, DOES deserve Kagome; he's just a little confused and disorientated at the moment... I guess you kind of have to be if you find a dead chick made out of clay a plausible love interest...

But, otherwise, don't you worry! We have many, MANY screwy pairings planned out for this fic and we know what we're doing! ;)

..:V:..

Kouga was fuming. "I have to go find that bitch!" he declared to his two henchmen, Ginta and Hakaku. "There will be no end to the fury and revenge I will unleash upon her!"

"Yeah, boss!" Ginta agreed stupidly. "You've gotta make her pay for what she's done!"

Hakaku nodded in agreement.

Kouga looked at them briefly before walking to the entrance of their cave. "That's it! I will go out and track her down to the ends of the earth!"

"We'll come with you!" Hakaku said enthusiastically.

Kouga shook his head. "No! I obviously must go alone to seek revenge! It is no matter to me that she alone killed ALL my comrades so ridiculously easily; it's obvious I can take her on all by myself! And I shall completely ignore the fact that our fallen comrades were most likely just as precious to you as they were to me! This is MY revenge, and mine alone!!!"

Ginta and Hakaku glanced at each other briefly before looking back at their enraged leader. "Uhhh...okay, boss. You do that..."

"I shall!" Kouga declared, striking a heroic pose. Then he dashed out of the cave and began his desperate search for the women who had caused all of his grief.

He searched high and low, sideways and diagonally, night and day, from dawn until dusk and beyond, from early morning to midafternoon to evening to sunset to ridiculously late hours of the night to midnight to the crazily early hours of the morning to sunrise and back to early morning. Then he paused to take a deep breath after the run-on sentence his insane searching had caused.

When he looked up, he just so happened to have found Naraku's elusive castle that no one could ever seem to find because big hulking huge-ass castles were just so inconspicuous these days!

Kouga licked his chops. Here, he would get his revenge! He started stomping towards the huge structure, but abruptly stopped in his tracks as the one he was seeking was coming outside and towards him. He quickly ducked behind the bushes before she spotted him.

He watched as she made her way towards a shallow body of water off to the side and realized it was a hot spring. The way she languidly sauntered over to it made her rounded hips sway and Kouga's attention be focused on her amazing derrière and long, graceful legs. He would wait until AFTER she had washed up because after all, it was always better if you died while you were clean rather than when you were dirty.

As Kagura began to slip off her clothes, Kouga felt that he couldn't take his eyes off of her due to his newfound pervertedness. She slowly stepped into the hot spring and sank up to her neck.

After a few minutes of Kagura's soaking and Kouga's ogling, the wind demon exited the spring and redressed. Now that Kagura was clean and he had seen more than he should have, Kouga decided it was time to confront the murderess.

"Kagura!" Kouga declared, stepping out of his hiding place. "I've come to...to..." Kouga wasn't sure if he could kill her anymore. The sight of her glorious nude body had made him think differently about her. Suddenly, he had an irresistible physical attraction to her. Clearly, that would outweigh any emotional hatred he had for her.

Clearly.

"Welcome, Kouga," Kagura said, eyeing the fur mini skirt the wolf demon wore. Was it her, or was it shorter than usual? Nevertheless, the sight of his manly, hairy legs put her heartbeat in a frenzy. "What a time for you to have found me...when we're all...alone?" she said in a suggestive tone.

Kouga raised an eyebrow coyly. "What about...Naraku...Kan-whatsherface...and that other boy child...?"

Kagura shrugged casually, never taking her eyes off of the man in front of her. "Naraku's out getting a new baboon pelt fitted, Kanna's off somewhere looking blankly at her own reflection, and Kohaku's off butchering a poor innocent village. So...you manly hunk, we're ALL alone..."

Kouga purred softly as he came towards her, disregarding the fact that canines don't purr. "Fantastic..." he said seductively.

"Kouga...have I ever told you how hot you are...?" Kagura asked the wolf demon, while stroking the fur mounted on his right shoulder.

Kouga began letting down her long, black, luscious locks and gazing into her blindingly crimson eyes. "Have I ever told you how incredibly sexy I think it is that you slaughtered all my comrades...?" he asked her in a low, husky voice.

"About as sexy as I think it is that you're out for my head...?" Kagura asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Damn straight!" Kouga said, fiercely pulling her into his embrace. "You have made me completely forget about my infatuation for that school girl, Kagome, and my fiancee, Ayame, who is determined to marry me! I say we run away together and completely ignore the fact that I have responsibilities as the leader of a wolf pack or that your life, freedom and heart are controlled in their entirety by Naraku!" he declared emphatically.

"I agree!" Kagura exclaimed. "Let's go!" She plucked a feather from her now loose hair and watched as it grew to monumental size. "This one's a two seater," she said, winking at Kouga.

The two newfound love birds leaped on the feather and started to soar away into the sky.

Meanwhile, Naraku was returning from his baboon pelt fitting and saw the two fugitives up in the air.

"My god!" Naraku exclaimed. "Never in a million years would I have dreamed Kagura would betray me; even though she hates me like the scum from the sewers I was born in! I can't believe this! Well...she leaves me no choice! I shall end her lowly existence even though she intends me no harm or treacherous acts in the future!"

With that speech, Naraku pulled out a heart from one of his many inside pockets and crushed it in his palm. A girl's high-pitched scream rang out through the forest before it died.

"Oh..." Naraku said, realizing his mistake. "Sorry, Kanna! ...Where is that blasted thing...?" Naraku rummaged through his multiple hidden pockets before extracting another heart. "Ah! Here it is!" He quickly crushed that heart in his palm as well. Soon he heard a woman's scream that echoed through the air before dying; which was shortly followed by a wolf demon's howl of grief.

"Well..." Naraku said, wiping his hands together for a job well done. "That relationship was short-lived."

..:V:..

A/N (Super Ceech) Ah, well there's the second installment of these lovely pairings parody fic. I hope you enjoyed it! Maybe some will realize now how unlikely it would be for Kouga and Kagura to hook up... Ack, well. Hope it made you laugh, anyway! Talk to ya later, everybody!


	3. Kagome and Hojo

A/N (Calum the Angel) Now, I know it's Kagome/Inuyasha all they way, but... Geez, if you don't want Hojo, I'll gladly take him off your hands! I think all of you Hojo-haters out there are losing sight of the fact that in real life, most people would kill for a guy like Hojo. Please, let me kill for you, Hojo... =mysterious murders start occurring=

Kagome sat in her chair, staring at the clock on the wall.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

It was nearly seven. Kagome had been sitting in that chair all evening. She had a stack of books next to her to read, but she was not in the mood for reading.

After Naraku's defeat, Inuyasha had used the completed Shikon Jewel to transform himself into a human. Kikyo had chosen that moment to intervene, and without any of his old demonic stubbornness, he willingly followed her into the bowels of hell.

So Kagome had bid farewell to all her old friends, come back through the well and started dating her true love, Hojo!

She glanced over at her gorgeous brunette hunk. He turned the page of his newspaper, and seemed to notice Kagome's eyes on him. He peered at her over his half-moon spectacles and shot her a handsome, purely chaste grin. Kagome smiled back. Hojo returned to his newspaper.

Kagome stifled a sigh. Her friends had been pressuring her for so long to date a normal guy like Hojo. They were quite convinced that she was seeing Inuyasha, but little did they know that Kagome had never thought of Inuyasha as anything more than a friend. While her heart may have played tricks on her from time to time, deep within her soul, she had always known that she and Hojo were meant to be.

So a month ago, the big day had come. Kagome, 22 years old and married to Hojo, was...

...bored out of her mind.

As dangerous as Feudal Japan had been, searching for shards of the Shikon Jewel, she actually missed the adventure, the intrigue, the mystery, the romance, the humour, the angst, the good times, the bad times, and the distinct lack of indoor plumbing.

"Um, Hojo..."

"Yes, dear?" Hojo said, pulling the newspaper down from in front of his perfect, super-sexy face.

"Do you want to do something tonight?"

"Do something? Why would you want to do something?"

"Well... Sometimes, something can be fun."

Hojo waggled his index finger. "Too much fun can lead to bad habits."

Kagome paused for a moment. "But... We haven't done anything fun for the full month we've been together. We haven't the marriage..."

Hojo nearly choked. "Kagome! Language!"

"Oookay..." Kagome said slowly. "Why don't we go out?"

"Where would you like to go?"

Kagome thought about this for a moment. "We could go...to a club."

"A club?!" Hojo exclaimed. "That's where all the loose women prowl! I would never dream of going into a place like that!"

"A bar?"

"And consume alcohol? You must be joking! What example would I be setting for the underage gentlemen there?"

"A show?"

"I looked at all the movies playing. All of them rated PG and up. Movies these days... Can't they make something for the whole family to enjoy?"

"Dinner?"

Hojo laughed. "But Kagome, we've already had dinner! Don't be silly!"

Kagome was running out of ideas. She sighed and slumped back in her chair. Her eyes wandered around the room, searching desperately for something to occupy herself with. Then, she spotted it... There was a spider on the ceiling!

"Hojo! Watch out!" Kagome shouted, jumping to her feet and pointed at the spider heroically. "There's a spider on the ceiling! You have to destroy it!"

"And kill another living creature?" Hojo said. "Shame on you, Kagome. That little spider has just as much right to live as you or me. He just wants some company."

Kagome, still pointing up at the spider heroically, deflated. Her arm dropped back to her side and she slumped back down into her chair. Then, she spotted something else...

"Hojo!" Kagome shouted, sitting at the edge of her chair and pointing at the site of disturbance. "Look at the coffee table! Some of those papers are slightly askew!"

Hojo gasped. "Oh, my goodness, gracious me!"

He dropped his newspaper and dove for the coffee table. He arranged the pile of papers neatly until they were perfectly stacked.

"Thanks, Kagome," he sighed in relief. He got back into his chair and picked up his newspaper. "If you hadn't told me about that, who knows what kind of mess could have been made?"

Kagome nodded and smiled happily. That was the most exciting thing that had happened all day! ... Was this really what it had come down to? Papers gone slightly askew was her greatest adventure in life now?

"Hojo..." she mumbled.

"Yes, apple-peach?"

"I'm... I'm..." she stammered. Finally, she mustered up all the courage she had and blurted out, "I'M BORED!"

"Use your indoor voice," Hojo hushed.

Kagome curled up in her chair indignantly and crossed her arms. She began to think that maybe she should have secured Inuyasha as more than just a good friend. He had pretty silver hair and adorable doggy ears; slaughtered big evil demons with a giant sword and wicked claws; vowed to protect her, though reluctantly; had a sweet disposition when he wasn't yelling at her constantly; cheated on her with Kikyo; tried to kill her on a few occasions when they first met.

And what did Hojo do? He brought her gifts with nothing else in mind than her well-being; invited her out to lunch or to the movies; was understanding about her responsibilities in the Feudal Era; visited her when she was ill; was generally a sweet, caring, all-round nice guy, and not bad-looking either.

Clearly, Inuyasha was--!

...

Wait a minute...

What could Kagome have possibly been thinking? Sure, Inuyasha was okay sometimes... But Hojo was _great_ twenty-four seven!

DING!

"My apple-peach muffins are ready!" Hojo exclaimed. He dropped his newspaper on the floor, placed his spectacles on the table next to his chair and made for the kitchen.

"I'll help you!!!" Kagome shrieked. She leapt out of her chair and linked arms with the incredibly sexy Hojo, and they walked to the kitchen to prepare muffins; together!


	4. Naraku and Kagome

Spacewolf's A/N Sorry for the tardiness guys and dolls. Do to some sort of infraction on Ceech's part updating was suspended on her account. (We think it was because one of her stories had to be taken off because it was script format.) Super Ceech is not available for comment because she had to leave the country for mysterious reasons which are wink certainly wink not wink related wink to that! So she left Love is Blind in my care. Poor, poor stupid Super Ceech. Never leave anything in my care! Everything I touch dies! Anyway, if you're upset about it being late. Flame Spacewolf, not Super Ceech or Calum. They're responsible. As for the story itself. Kagome and Naraku.

I got NOTHING!

I'm sorry for this. I reeeally, reeeeally am! It's part of the reason it's so late. This chapter did not want to get written! I started it twice and it just wasn't going to happen. I'm sorry that it's just so... odd but you know... sorry. Enjoy... well, you know what I mean!

* * *

"Give us back those jewel shards!" Kagome threatened. Pointing an arrow right at Naraku's heart.

"How about no?" he responded. "Why don't you give me your jewel shards instead?"

"I asked you first!" Kagome shrilled.

"Actually you ordered," Naraku pointed out.

Some of Kagome's anger left her. The tip of her arrow sank slightly.

"Oh," she said to herself. "He's got a point."

"Enough talk!" Inuyasha bellowed, raising the Tetsusaiga high above his head. "Time to die Naraku!"

He brought it down with a mighty swing.

The earth began to crack, groaning beneath the mighty force of Inuyasha's mighty might. As the shattered earth began to open up Kagome screamed. Directly across from Naraku, the crack forming, directly beneath Naraku's feet affected her in the same manor. As the ground began to pull apart, forming a deep crevice in th earth, both Naraku and Kagome lost their balance.

"Inuyasha you dip-shi....!" she began, but her voice was cut off as she fell into the chasm.

Naraku retained his balance only a moment longer before he too pitched into the darkness. Shouting up at his foes "Nice going mother fu....!"

His yell was cut off, as the power of Inuyasha's attack dissipated and the earth began to resume it's normal shape. Closing the chasm as if it had never been there.

The two sides stared at the ground which had swallowed up one from each of their sides. They looked at one another, Kanna and Kagura on one side. Inuyasha, Sango, Shippou, Miroku and Kirara on the other side.

"Inuyasha!" kagura spat. "You have imprisoned Naraku in solid stone! If he did not posses my heart and have the ability to kill me I would rejoice! Nonetheless! Because of your foolish and thoughtless act I may never be free!" She seethed in hate for a few minutes before... "I'M TELLING!"

"Well, this is awkward," Kagome muttered.

Somehow, despite being on completely opposite ends of the chasm, she and Naraku where now pressed up against one another. Each had their back to a towering wall of rock.

"Can you move a little?" Naraku winced. "You're kind of tugging my hair!"

"Oh, sorry!" Kagome said.

They began the immediate and fruitless attempts to wedge themselves free. As is always the case in such circumstance, they manage to wedge themselves closer. Of course, Kagome's arms had somehow become pinned in the struggle, leaving her completely for Naraku to assault her however he wishes.

Naturally despite the fact there's in a hole in the ground there is sufficient light to see how close they are, to see one another's faces and bodies clearly. Most importantly of all, there is enough light that the pink stain on Kagome's cheeks may be seen.

"Um, nice place, is it yours?" she squeaked, trying not to notice how fast her heart was beating.

"Um no actually," he answered. "I live in a place over the mountain."

"Oh," Kagome nodded. "Yeah..."

She was only a sweet, innocent school girl. She was pressed up against her arch-foe and it was playing havoc with her emotions.

"Is there someway we can maybe make some more room?"

Naraku looked around.

"I'll see what I can do!" he answered.

Summoning his demon powers, he managed to break enough rock for them, so they had a little alcove in the rocks. Unfortunately, his actions loosened some rocks from overhead.

They began to rain down on them.

Whimpering Kagome clung to him as is the first instinct of everyone trapped in a crevice with their arch nemesis. Cling to them!

"It's alright," Naraku said, taking hold of her shoulders. "It's stopped now." After a melodramatic pause he added, "Kagome!"

"You know my name?" she asked him shyly. Looking up. She still clung to his baboon pelt, which was surprisingly soft. He held her with his strong hands, also, surprisingly soft.

"Kagome," he whispered, his voice, surprisingly soft. He caressed her cheek. The fluttering in her stomach was surprisingly soft. "How could I not know your name?" He leaned forward and pressed his mouth aginast hers.

His lips were surprisingly.... cherry flavoured!

"No!" she exclaimed, shoving him away and stumbling back. She collapsed aginast the rocky alcove wall. There was only a foot at most between them. "No!" she repeated. Breathing too fast, her bosom heaving, a leeettle more then it needed to. "No!" she said again for good measure. "No! Naraku you're... you're....no!" she gasped and turned her face. "No I can't say it!" She looked up bravely. "You're evil!"

Da da dun!

"Where did that come from?" Kagome demanded with a frown.

"I don't know," Naraku answered looking around for it's source. "I'll protect you from it though!"

"You can't!" Kagome cried. "Naraku! You're my enemy!"

"Never!"

Naraku was suddenly in front of her, planting his hands on either side of her head. Kagome was terrified, her lips trembled faintly with her terror. Instead of lashing out at Naraku, clawing his eyes out, or kicking him back with her unhindered legs, she pressed up aginast the rocky alcove.

"I am Inuyasha's enemy. I am Sango's enemy. I am the monk's enemy. I am Kikyo's enemy. But I was never your enemy."

"No!" Kagome cried, looking away from his eyes which held such fever!

It terrified her! It excited her! It made her weak at the knees. It made her stomach flutter! It made her heart skip a beat! It made her tingle all over. She was falling in love! Falling in love with Naraku! Either that or having a heart attack.

"No!" she insisted in anguish. She turned her head aside. Making her hair fly. "No!" she did the same thing. Turning violently and making her hair fly in a wild curtain. "No!" Again she flung her head back. Each time she said 'no' she flung her head to the side wildly. Strands of hair were now flying dangerously close to Naraku's face. "No! No! No! NO!"

"Ow!" Naraku exclaimed. He clapped his hands over his left eye. "You got me right in the eye!"

Kagome was stricken.

"Oh Naraku!" she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. "Have I blinded you?"

"Only with your beauty!" he whispered with such passion Kagome felt her temperature rise to dangerously high levels.

"Please!" she gasped as he clasped her in his tight, crushing, masculine, but non-threatening embrace. "Please no!" she whispered. "We can't! The others! You're evil!"

Da da dun!

They ignored the ominous sound to continue thrashing and struggling in their tight, well lite little rocky alcove.

"I may be evil!" Naraku agreed, pulling her aginast him. Kagome tried to struggle. But with his arms around her waist, she couldn't escape her grip. She contented herself with throwing her head back, arching her back and struggling futilely.

"Listen to me Kagome!" he begged.

"No!" she wailed. "No! No! No! No! NO!"

"You must!" he whimpered, shaking her gently. Kagome went limp in his arms. "Kagome, my love you must listen to me! Please! Please listen to me!"

"Naraku!" Kagome whispered. His tight, crushing, masculine, but non-threatening embrace soothing her as only the tight, crushing, masculine but non-threatening embrace of an evil bishonen can. "Yes. I will listen to you!"

"I have longed to tell you how I feel for you Kagome!" Naraku whispered. "I could not though, what with my ex Kikyo there and you and Inuyasha always seemed to be an item..."

"No!" She insisted. "No! No Naraku! No! No!"

"No what?" he whispered.

"I've forgotten," she admitted. "But Inuyasha, he's a sweet boy!" She looked at Naraku. "But I need a man!"

Naraku released her and stepped back.

"Sorry to bother you then," he said sadly, shuffling away.

Kagome grabbed his arm.

"I meant you!" she said. "You Naraku! You! You! You! You! You! YOU!"

"Me?" He frowned then his face cleared. "Right! I'm a man! Sometimes I forget with this hair!"

"I could never forget though!" Kagome whispered, stroking his cheek. "I could never forget that! The way you look at me now, that we're all alone! The safety I feel while you're being too aggressive in grabbing me! I'm sixteen, but I know I love you!"

"Do you mean that my sweet?" Naraku asked like he hardly dared believe. "Do you really mean that my --dramatically long pause-- affections! Are returned?

"Yes," kagome whispered. "Yes. Yes. Yes. YES! My love YES!"

"You must kiss me!" Naraku ordered. "Kiss me, as only you can!"

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Kagome agreed. "YES!"

She grabbed him and kissed him passionately. The standard frantic grabbing and kisses that look like they're trying to devour one another's heads ensued. They tangled their hands in one another's hair in painful ways, and collapsed aginast a rocky wall.

"You complete me!" Kagome whispered hoarsely. "Take me! Take me now!"

This order was not particularly displeasing to Naraku. As a matter of fact, he had been formulating his own orders. But they were quite forgotten when he looked into Kagome's smouldering, smokey, hungry, but loving eyes.

He was about to do as she commanded, but their frantic romantic franticness was interrupted by a large crash from above.

"Our friends are trying to save us," Kagome whispered looking up.

"I don't actually have friends," Naraku told her. "I'm more of a lone wolf. Well not actually a wolf because Kouga's a wolf, but you get the picture."

"I don't want to be freed!" Kagome moaned, burying her face in his baboon pelt. "I want to stay here, with you, trapped in our prison of love!"

"I will never let you go," Naraku swore. "Except, Inuyasha's rage will be great, and your friends wil think I have cast a spell upon you. A spell most foul and evil!"

Da da dun!

"That's getting annoying," Kagome muttered.

"Tell me about it," Naraku agreed. "I have a plan, my sweet, my Kagome!"

"Tell me!" She ordered. "Tell me! Tell me!"

"I will!" he promised with such passion and heat... it was passionate and heated.

"Tell me your plan my love!" Kagome ordered. "We don't have much time."

"You and I shall part ways," Naraku told her, stroking her face tenderly. "You shall continue to try and defeat me and I shall continue to try and gather the Shikon jewel! When this ordeal is over if I am victorious I will take you to be my queen. And if I fail, Inuyasha shall protect you."

"No!" she whispered in horror. "No! No! No! No! No!"

"You must!" Naraku insisted. "My life is nothing if you are not safe. If I do, by some fluke, fail in destroying the world then you must be safe. You must carry on and keep the memory of our undying love alive!"

"I can never have feelings for anyone but you!" Kagome insisted. Clinging to him tighter. "You are the only man manly enough to be girly enough to be manly enough for me to love!"

Naraku frowned at the top of her head.

"Riiiight," he responded. "Will you do it my Kagome?" he asked her, titling her chin up. "Will you keep this love of our secret so that you will always be safe?"

"We can have midnight trysts right?" Kagome asked him hopefully.

"Well I think that was a given," he nodded.

Kagome thought about it a moment.

"Can we have one now?"

"Yeah okay!"

Naraku pulled her into his tight, crushing, masculine, but non-threatening embrace one last time. They swore their undying love to one another as their friends tried to free them.

A/N Wha can I say about it.... I'm sorry? Will you accept that? I don't think it's particularly funny either but it has it's moments right? Right? RIGHT? Yeah.... Next one will be better! I swear! P.S. When Naraku claims to be a man... I can neither confirm nor deny this. I got no idea!


	5. Kikyo Melee!

A/N (Super Ceech) Alright guys! Glad you enjoyed all of the chapters so far and now it's time for a lovely chapter completely dedicated to that one chick we all know and love...Kikyo! That's right, I've decided to mash all of the Kikyo pairings into one big chapter and so here it is! Have fun reading about our favourite dead girl! –readers boo–

* * *

(Kikyo/Inuyasha)

Inuyasha shifted uncomfortably while he and Kagome sat near one another. Miroku and Sango had decided to scope out the area, making sure there were no demons lurking around where the group intended to spend the night. Shippo had already fallen asleep on the other side of the clearing, weary from the day's exercise.

Basically, it left Inuyasha alone with Kagome. Which made him nervous.

Kagome edged her way closer to Inuyasha. "Inuyasha..." she began hesitantly. "Have you thought anymore about your wish... You know...on the Jewel...?"

"I told you; I wanna become a full demon!" Inuyasha sulked, crossing his arms like a petulant child.

Tears sprung to Kagome's eyes. "But if you do...well, from what we've seen..."

"I want to do it; why do you always have to stick your nose in my business?" Inuyasha snapped irrationally.

"Because...well, because... I lov–"

"Are you still yapping?" Inuyasha asked, exasperated. "God, you're _so_ annoying!"

"I love you!" Kagome shouted, finally brave enough to pour her heart and true feelings out to Inuyasha.

"Hey, look! Soul Eaters!" Inuyasha said, pointing at the sky in interest. It didn't seem like he had heard a word Kagome said.

"W–what...?" Kagome was taken aback. "Don't you care that I–"

"No time now, wench; I've got a rendevous with an undead pot!" Inuyasha exclaimed excitedly, springing up. "Kikyo, here I come!" With that, he dashed off to following the flying creatures, leaving Kagome behind with a broken heart.

"Oh, Kikyo! Kikyo-oo! Where are you, my little lovely dirt mound?" Inuyasha called as he ran.

"Pst! Inuyasha!" Kikyo whispered loudly through the trees. "Over here!"

Inuyasha quickly made his way over to the area her voice was coming from. "Why are you whispering?" he asked.

"It's seductive," Kikyo explained. "But make no mistake; I still hate you."

"Wha...? But I thought..." Inuyasha asked in confusion.

"Shut up, Inuyasha. I've bitch whipped you too much for you to have your own opinion. Now, as you know, the Jewel's been completed and Naraku's dead. Convenient, huh?" When Inuyasha opened his mouth to respond, she interrupted him, "Shut up. Now, as you might've guessed, I'm ready to go to hell. I sent my Soul Eaters to guide you like the pathetic fool you are, to me. You're such filth, Inuyasha, and I hate you with every fiber of my fragmented soul so now I wish you to come to hell with me so we can be together forever. We'll burn painfully and endure eternal suffering, but we'll be together, my love!"

"Your love...?" Inuyasha blinked. "But you said..."

"No time for that, you gullible little mutt. Come with me to hell; now!" Kikyo said angrily.

"B-but...Kikyo!" Inuyasha cried out in anguish. "I...I don't want to do this..."

"Are you saying you don't love me anymore, my dear, sweet, loser of a demon?" Kikyo asked venomously.

"No...for some reason, I can't forget our past; I can blatantly ignore the fact you're nothing like you once were and that you're a cold-hearted sculpture of clay that stole part of Kagome's soul in order to walk this world once again... I want to be with you, but living in hell isn't the way I want us to be together!"

"Hmm..." Kikyo said thoughtfully. "Well, too bad. I need to go to hell because...um...there's a reason...and it's a good one...!" she assured Inuyasha emphatically. "It's...well..."

Inuyasha waited expectantly.

"Don't look at me like that! We're going to hell and that's all there is to it! Now shut up! There's absolutely nothing you can say to me that will convince me otherwise! Nothing!"

"I...love you and I really don't want to go to hell and burn painfully for eternity...?" Inuyasha asked hesitantly.

"Oh, well, you've twisted my arm!" Kikyo cried out as if Inuyasha had truly made a convincing statement. "I see now that hell is not truly the place I want to be! No, it is here; with you, Inuyasha, you scumbag of my love!"

And so Inuyasha and Kikyo lived together, in the real world, happily ever after. That is, until Kikyo's body decomposed...

The End.

..:V:..

(Kikyo/Kouga)

"Kagome! Watch out!"

The schoolgirl spun around in time to see the giant eagle demon bearing down on her. Inuyasha was trying desperately to reach her in time, but it was clear he wasn't going to make it.

Kagome screamed as squeezed her eyes shut as she anticipated the sharp claws piercing her flesh, but the expected pain never came. In shock, she opened her eyes to see a handsome wolf demon standing protectively in front of her, the eagle demon, dead, at his feet.

"Kouga!" she said in surprise.

"Jeez, mutt-face! You couldn't even protect my woman from a simple bird demon? I don't know if I should even let her stay with you any longer! I think it might be time for her to come stay with me and my pack!" Kouga snarled as Inuyasha approached the two.

"Shut up, _Kouga_!" Inuyasha snapped. "What the hell are you doing here anyways?!"

"Heh! I thought it was a good time to come check on my woman! Obviously it was a good thing I did since she was about to become Kagome soufflé!" Kouga shot back.

"Yeah? Well, I might be grateful that Kagome's safe, but that doesn't mean–"

"Inuyasha?" Inuyasha was cut off by a new arrival. Everyone turned to see Kikyo entering the clearing, her Soul Eaters at her sides. "Will you come with me to hell now?"

"In a minute!" Inuyasha said impatiently as if he were fending off his mother when she asked him to do chores. "Now; as I was _saying_–"

"Inuyasha, once the constellations of Orion's Belt and Pegasus have aligned with the fifth and sixth moons of Jupiter and Saturn, and Pluto has revolved around the Sun nine hundred and ninety-nine trillions times, the cobwebs of destiny will become mangled beyond recognition and no amount of sewing will patch them," Kikyo said wisely in a mysterious voice.

Everyone looked at her blankly. "Riiight..." Inuyasha said slowly before turning back to the wolf demon. "But what I was _trying_ to say was that–"

"Whoa, who's the hot babe?" Kouga spoke up, eyeing Kikyo.

"When the stars of Venus burn at the same heat level as the pits of Hell, events of past confusion and suffering will dictate a path of sunshine and lollipops that will lead dead souls to a place of angels and twirling contests...?" Kikyo asked in confusion as the wolf pack leader approached her.

Kouga paused for a moment at her strange outburst, but quickly regained his composure. "Uh...they sure will, sweet stuff! Now, hows about you and I–?"

"Wait a minute!" Kagome interrupted. "I thought you liked me!"

Kouga turned to look at her. "Yeah...you're alright... But dog-turd's already claimed you... Plus, this chick looks identical to you...well, not really in the least, but I can pretend she does! _And_, from what I hear, she can see Jewel shards! So...what's the problem?"

"I'll tell you what the problem is!" Inuyasha protested. "You're moving in on my turf! You can't just come in and claim _both_ my girls! They're mine! And you can't have either of them! You have to wait until I decide which one I want! _Then_, you can have the leftovers! And furthermore–"

"SIT!!!"

There was a loud crash as Inuyasha fell forcefully to the ground. "Ow..." he muttered. When he was able, he slowly sat up and crossed his arms. "Man, I'm not even going to open my mouth anymore. Every time I do, I get interrupte–"

"Shut up, mutt face," Kouga interrupted snidely. Inuyasha glared, but refused to respond. "Now...where were we...?" he asked, turning back to Kikyo.

"Hmm..." Kikyo said thoughtfully. "I might go with you...you seem manlier than Inuyasha... And I think that maybe–"

"Come on, already!" Kouga cut in impatiently. "I don't have all day, you know. Hurry up and make your life-changing decision!"

"Well...will you promise to come to hell with me?" Kikyo asked earnestly.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever..." Kouga said, not really paying attention to what she had just asked him; only impatient to get her to accompany him. "Now let's go!"

"Okay!" Kikyo said happily. "But I just have to tell Inuyasha one more thing!" She turned to the dog demon who was sulking on the ground. "Inuyasha, if you remember anything I've ever told you, let it be this: when the pickle jar cannot be opened, the strings of unhappiness shall rain down upon the toothless and pierce the reflections of time; this is the sign that doorknobs and crowns have reversed roles and demons have become transparent throughout the ages."

Inuyasha raised an eyebrow before saying, "Yeah, yeah, Kikyo; whatever you sa–"

"Shut up, Inuyasha."

The End

..:V:..

(Kikyo/Naraku)

Kikyo stormed down the hallways of Naraku's castle, intending to chew the "lord" out for his latest act. When she finally found his humongous, empty, and secluded room of seclusion and brooding over all things evil, she threw back the bamboo curtain and stomped in. She took another five minutes to walk all the way over to the very back corner in which Naraku sat in his usual stance of ultimate laziness and unwillingness to lift a single finger even to save his own life.

"Naraku!" she spat. "How could you?! You killed Inuyasha!"

"Correction! My _minions_ killed Inuyasha," Naraku explained. "I, Naraku, would never concern myself with such a dirty business. My nails just wouldn't be able to take it! And my hair would have gotten split ends! Anyways, why would you care if he's dead or not? I thought you hated him...?"

"Well..." Kikyo sputtered. "I _do _hate him! And...I love him too..." She shook her head as if to banish confusing thoughts. "It's complicated..."

"Complicated beyond all comprehension..." Naraku muttered.

"Exactly!" Kikyo said. "In fact...it's so complicated _I_ don't even understand it! I don't even understand what I'm saying half the time! ...But that's not the issue here! The issue is _you_ killed Inuyasha when _I _wanted to kill him and bring him to hell with me! I'm _indignant_! Watch me stand here and pout in my indignation!" She stood before Naraku and pouted in her indignation.

Naraku sighed and called out in a whiny voice, "Kaguraaa! Come here and stand me up! I'm too lazy to do it on my own!"

Kagura stomped angrily in the room. "I hate this! I hate _you_! And people wonder why I want my freedom so badly! I tell you!" she shouted, turning to Kikyo as she grabbed Naraku's collar and pulled him up into a standing position. "How would you feel if you had to do every single thing for this womanly, lazy-assed child?! Even clip his toenails?!"

"Her pedicure's are quite lovely," Naraku said aside to Kikyo as she scrunched her nose in disgust.

"Urgh!" Kagura cried out in frustration as she ran out of the room.

"She loves me so much..." Naraku said with a smile akin to one a proud mother might bestow upon her child.

"I'm still being indignant over here, you know!" Kikyo reminded him.

"Ah, yes," Naraku said, turning back to the indignant undead priestess. "Now, as I got Kagura to come in here to stand me up to say...I don't think you've consider the full implications of Inuyasha's death... You haven't considered...the benefits..."

Kikyo quirked an eyebrow. "The benefits...? And what would those be...?"

"Well...he no longer is a potential love interest for you...or whatever he was to you... _And_, if I dig really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really deep down inside of myself, I think I can find some long lost lust for you! Ah? Ah? Any takers?" Naraku asked with a suggestive eyebrow wiggle.

"HA! I _knew_ it! Onigumo's heart _does_ still beat within you!" Kikyo shouted in triumph while pointing a finger accusingly at Naraku.

Naraku stomped a foot indignantly on the floor, balled his hands into fists and yelled in an ultimately whiny voice, "_It does NOT!!!_"

"Well...you know, Naraku," Kikyo began suggestively. "I have been in love with you for quite some time..."

Naraku straightened from his whiny brat stance. "You have...?" he said in a suddenly low, husky, deep, sexy and manly masculine voice. "When was the first moment you knew you were so deeply, hopelessly, madly, completely, helplessly, and utterly in love with me?"

Kikyo paused and thought a moment. "Hmm...I think it would have to have been when I first found out it had been you ripping your shape shifted claws through my vulnerable, mortal human shoulder, causing me to bleed excruciatingly painfully to death, believing that I was betrayed by one true love. ...Yep, that was it! So...we gonna go make out in one of these large, dark and completely deserted corners now?"

"I'd say so!" Naraku cheered. "But, you'll have to do all the work... I'm just too _lazy_..."

The End.

..:V:..

(Kikyo/Hojo)

"Wait, Kagome! You forgot these special clippers for your nose hair condition!" Hojo shouted as he tried to catch up with the running schoolgirl.

"Sorry, Hojo! I gotta go! I'll see you later!" Kagome shouted frantically over her shoulder, hoping to dissuade the persistent boy.

Hojo watched his crush trying to escape and made a quick decision. He would follow her and make sure her nose hair problem was fixed once and for all! He couldn't have it any other way!

Hojo ran stealthily behind Kagome all the way to her home and sneakily raced up the two million shrine steps behind her, somehow without her noticing...hmm...

When he reached the top of the stairs, he spied Kagome running into a small structure off to the side of the property. Curiously and heroically, Hojo followed her, nose hair clippers in hand and bag of magical and mystical healing items on his back. Upon entering the structure, Hojo saw the tips of Kagome's black, luscious hair as she jumped down a well.

"Kagome!" Hojo cried in alarm. He quickly dashed for the well himself and, with little or no thought in his large-challenged brain, he bravely jumped down after her. Hojo wasn't even worried when purple sparkly things began to appear in the air around him, since he often day dreamed about them anyways. (Oh, and people, _of course_ Hojo can travel through the well even though only Kagome and Inuyasha are supposed to! Duh, I'm the author and if I think it will enhance the quality of the story, I'll damn well do it!)

Suddenly, he was at the bottom of the well and all the purple sparkly things were gone. Looking up, Hojo spotted Kagome climbing up some vines to the opening of the well. Blue sky could be seen at the top. "I could've sworn that wasn't there before..." Hojo muttered to himself. Then he looked curiously once more at Kagome. "Maybe this is how she gets her exercise...? Jumping down wells and climbing back up them time after time...?"

Shrugging, Hojo began climbing up after the elusive schoolgirl. She disappeared over the top long before Hojo reached it since he had to stop every now and make sure that every strand of his incredibly sexy hair was still in place. He was the school stud after all; he had a image to uphold!

When Hojo finally climbed over the lip of the well, he was astonished to note that he wasn't exactly in the well house anymore...but it looked to be a great vacation spot! Cheerfully and obliviously, Hojo began to wander around this new world trying to find Kagome who he had lost sight of.

"Ugh...cursed, blasted things!"

Hojo's curiosity was peeked at the sound of this voice; a voice he was convinced he had never heard before but sounded as lovely as a cursing monotone voice could. He watched in surprise as the owner of the voice entered the clearing.

She was wearing traditional Japanese priestess robes and she looked remarkably like Kagome if you looked really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really hard.

But Hojo wasn't looking at the woman's face. What was really eye-catching about the new arrival is that she had sunflowers sprouting all over her body.

Noticing that the boy was staring at her, the priestess glared and spat, "What are _you_ looking at?"

Hojo sputtered for a moment before asking, "Is...there anything I could do to help?"

"Not unless you have something in that bag of yours that will get rid of these accursed things!" the woman sneered sarcastically.

"Aha!" Hojo said. "I have just the thing!" Digging in his bag, Hojo produced some garden clippers and began to clip the flowers from the woman's body. As she looked at him in astonishment, he asked, "So...what happened exactly...you know...for you to have sunflowers growing on you...?"

At the reminder of the cause of her suffering, the priestess growled and said, "That stupid reincarnation of mine, _Kagome_, gave me 'sunflower seeds' as a 'gift' from her world. She said we needed to settle our differences and get along. I laughed in her face of course, but I took them anyways. And when I ate them, they were pretty good...but, _then_...during the next rainfall, these _things_ started sprouting all over me! That evil girl planned for this from the beginning!"

"That's terrible!" Hojo exclaimed, clipping the last of the sunflowers off of the woman's body. "What's your name, anyways? Mine's Hojo!"

"Kikyo," the woman replied, starting to turn away. "Thank you for your assistance...I might let you live when I take everyone else to hell..."

As she began to walk away, Hojo reached out and took hold of her wrist. "Wait! Why...why did those flowers start growing on you...I mean, how was it physically possible...?"

"Oh," Kikyo waved a hand as if to brush the matter aside. "It's just because my body's made out of dirt and clay. No biggie."

"You know..." Hojo said thoughtfully. "I may have something that could fix your condition!" As Kikyo looked curiously on, Hojo began rummaging through his packsack, throwing out random objects and bottles every now and then. "Moisturizer...body lotion...face compounds..." When the amount of objects on the ground beside the bag was actually a larger size than the bag itself, Hojo turned around and winked at Kikyo. "My role model is Mary Poppins. Now...I think with about all this stuff and seventy pounds of make-up, you can be as synthetic as any celebrity in my world!"

"You know, Hojo...?" Kikyo said, eyeing the helpful boy. "I think you're the first person to truly understand me... I think I'm in love with you."

"Really?" Hojo said excitedly. "Because I was just thinking that I could pretend really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really hard that you were Kagome in order to have a relationship with you!"

"Sounds like a plan!" Kikyo said, happy for the first time in a long time.

"Well, let's go back to my time!" Hojo suggested. "I think I've even got something that'll help with your tendency to make no sense!"

"Dear spirits! It is true love!" Kikyo cried blissfully as the two jumped down the well in order to live out their lives in bliss, sense and logic.

The End.

..:V:..

(Kikyo/Sesshoumaru)

Kikyo stared blankly at the man before her. He was tall and graceful; muscular and poised; beautiful and sexy; feminine and manly; everything she'd want in a man and more. His long silver luscious locks and tresses swayed, shimmered and shone in the non-existent breeze and his sinfully golden eyes gazed blankly back at her in pure uninterestedness (what the...? Apparently this is a word! Oh, man...I did _not_ mean it to be an actual word...! Oops, did I ruin the mood...?). His nose was the perfect picture of God's creation because it was...well, it was his nose see and...there was something about it....that just made it perfect...I mean, have you looked at it lately?! Ahem... His lips were alluring and sensual and attractive and sexy and irresistible and looked like they would taste like apple peach tart...

Her dull gaze was inevitably drawn to the large fluffy of fluffiness on his right shoulder. She stared at it for a full three minutes but was only able to determine that it was indeed quite fluffy. She looked back at her lover's face and decided she should finally break the two hundred year silence that had been present between them since they first decided to be together in the first place. She heartily thought the seven hundred billion staring contests had been worthwhile, but she longed to hear the sound of his boring, dull voice once more.

"So..." she said in a dead toned voice.

"So..." Sesshoumaru said in an equally unemotional voice.

"I desperately and passionately love you with every fiber of my undead being..." Kikyo continued, her voice a flat monotone.

"Ditto..." Sesshoumaru responded, bored.

"Maybe we should...I dunno...live up to the term 'lover' and actually make love?" Kikyo suggested, though her tone suggested she wasn't interested in the least. "I mean...it sounds kinda wrong to call each other that when we haven't actually...you know..."

"But...but...I'm _lazy_. Even more so than Naraku!" Sesshoumaru responded, coming as close to whining as his dull voice could manage. "But...you may have a point... Besides...it's been one hundred staring contests since I've won one! I'm a sore loser and I need something else to preoccupy me from my unemotional misery... I seem to have misplaced my bowl of scotch... Okay...sigh...we'll do it...but...only on one condition!"

Kikyo raised a delicate and finely shaped dark alluring eyebrow as she kept the same uncaring look on her face. "And what is that...?"

"You somehow manage to undo my shoe laces! I haven't been able to take them off for the last millennia!" Sesshoumaru admitted in his usual monotone voice.

Kikyo glanced down at her 'lover''s shoes. "Uh...Sesshy, darling...? You do realize that you don't have shoe laces, don't you...? You realize that your shoes are velcro...?"

Sesshoumaru made a noise that might actually be considered as a gasp if you listened really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really closely. "By Jove...you might be right...! And to think...after all this time...!"

"So...?" Kikyo prompted. "Are we going to make love or aren't we...?"

"Nah..." Sesshoumaru said unemotionally. "I just used up all my energy in the excitement of that revelation. Let's have another staring contest..."

"Good idea," Kikyo responded, gazing into his golden depths again; starting another round of staring contests that would go on for another few hundred years before one of them felt the urge to exercise their dull, monotone, vocal chords again.

The End.

* * *

A/N (Super Ceech) So, how was it, lol? Whoo, that took me longer than I thought...big long chapter for you, dedicated to the nonsensical thing known as Kikyo! You know...I was thinking of adding a Kikyo/Miroku pairing in there, just to cover all my bases, but... _It just doesn't work, people!_ I don't think I've actually ever seen a Kikyo/Miroku pairing, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were out there somewhere... But just trust me when I tell you it's wrong and it should never be. In fact, NONE of the pairings I have written here today should be done. After reading this chapter, I really hope you get why.

Oh, and Sesshoumaru's bowl of scotch is copyrighted to Spacewolf. No copying, reproducing or plagiarizing on the part of any member on this site (or anywhere else for that matter) may happen without her holy and blessed permission. ;) Have a nice day!

Anymewho, talk to you later everybody and I hope I got some laughs out of you!


	6. Kagome and Kouga

A/N (Calum the Angel) Beware the Kouga/Kagome pairing! Man, I really made Kouga out to be a jerk... I'm sure he would never actually do this, but for the sake of the story, I can make him do whatever I want! HAHAHA! Also, they're living in a fully furnished cave. It just works better that way. XP

* * *

"Woman, I'm home!" Kouga called from the opening of the cave.

"Welcome back, Kouga!" Kagome exclaimed. She was sitting at the back of the cave on a soft bed of straw among some wolves, sewing one of Kouga's ripped pelts. "Hard day hunting?"

"Oh yeah," Kouga sighed, clearly exhausted. He flopped down onto the ground and leaned up against the rock wall. "Those damn Birds of Paradise just don't quit, you know? Ginta got a papercut and Hakkaku fell into the river. Boy, am I drained."

Kagome paused for a moment, glancing up from her sewing. She waited to see if he was actually finished speaking.

"...Aren't you going to ask me how my day went?"

"What...?" Kouga mumbled, half asleep. "Go make me a sandwich, woman. I'm starving."

"Can't you get your own sandwich?" Kagome asked lightly.

"But I told you, I'm exhausted!" Kouga whined.

"Fine, I'll get you a sandwich," Kagome sighed. She rose and went to the kitchen to make Kouga a ham and cheese sandwich. She handed it to him and he started devouring it immediately.

"Is there anything else you want while I'm up?" Kagome asked.

"Nope," Kouga answered quickly.

Kagome went back to her sewing. A few moments later...

"Could you get me a beer?"

"But I thought you said—! Urg...!"

She dropped her sewing once again and went to the kitchen to fetch him a beer.

As soon as she sat down again and picked up the nearly mended pelt, Kouga started whining again.

"Where's the remote?"

"I don't know, where did you leave it last?"

"I don't know! Kagome, find it!"

She thrust her sewing to the floor, highly agitated. She searched all around the cave until she finally found it. She dropped it ungracefully into his outstretched palm, and he grinned happily at her. She offered a polite grin of her own, no less the aggravated.

Several hours later, after Kagome had finished mending the pelt and vacuuming the cave, Kouga turned off the TV and rose to his feet.

Kagome took the opportunity to ask him her burning question.

"I want to do something tonight!" she enthused. "Let's go out to dinner, or maybe a show. I heard there's live theatre going on at the Prancing Oni tonight! And maybe we could go—"

"Sorry," Kouga interrupted, "I promised I'd go drinking with the boys. You understand." He kissed her on the forehead and waved goodbye as he left the cave.

Kagome stood where he had left her, completely dumbfounded at what he'd just done. What happened to the Kouga that was always trying to kidnap her, or bring her flowers or defeat enemies threatening her? Kouga had always seemed like the charming, handsome prince compared to that mean old Inuyasha, but now... Maybe she would talk to him when he got home. All would be forgiven, and they would be a happy couple forever after, with Kouga, the same man he always was!

Seven hours later...

"Where have you been?!" Kagome shrieked as Kouga stumbled into the cave. "I was worried sick!"

"Awsh, no need ta be worried o' me, K'gomee..." Kouga slurred. He slapped a hand on her shoulder, and Kagome was unsure whether it was a comforting gesture or if he was using her as a support to not fall over. "I wiz j'st oot fer a li'l while, eh? An' I'm HIC! An' I'm b'ck now, eh? No need ta worry yer pr'tty li'l head!" He ruffled her hair a little too harshly.

"There's something I need to talk to you about," Kagome said, straightening her hair.

"I dunno, thas a pr'tty tall order," Kouga said doubtfully.

"I stay at the cave all day while you go out hunting," Kagome began her rant. "I'm a little sick of having to cook and clean, and then when you come home, I have to do everything for you, too! And then later, when all my work is done, you're either always too tired to do anything or already have plans! I'm sick of it! I want back the Kouga I fell in love with!"

Kouga started crying. "I am SO SORRY! Kin you ever fergive me, sweet-cakes? I'll change, I swer I will! I'll n'ver make you sad agin!" He flopped his head on her shoulder and started bawling his eyes out.

"There there," Kagome consoled him. "I forgive you. Your drunken promise is good enough for me."

Later that night, after Kouga and Kagome had gone to bed...

Kagome reached over and touched Kouga's arm. She whispered into his ear sensually, "You know, Kouga, I'm feeling a little amorous. Turn over and kiss me, you sexy beast!"

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

"WAKE UP!" she screamed, bashing him over the head with a pillow.

"Zz! Hn.. Wh.. Huh? What? What's going on? Is there a demon attacking?"

"That does it!" Kagome howled. She leapt out of bed, grabbed the nearest bag and started shoving her possessions into it.

"What're you doing?" Kouga demanded.

Kagome shrieked, "I'm sick and tired of being stuck in the cave all day while you're out all the time with your friends, hunting or having fun or WHATEVER! I can't take it anymore! I'M LEAVING!"

She slung her bag over her shoulder and stormed out of the cave.

Kouga stared after her form in disbelief. He blinked a few times.

"Does this mean no more sandwiches...? ... ... Zzzzzzzzzzzzz..."


	7. Kagome and Miroku

A/N I am a procrastinator. Ceech and Calum hate me for it. But it adds my to charms. So here it is. And I swear to god I am not trying to make this make sense, I just needed a way for it link together in some sort of way so that it would link together in some way! Get it? Got it? Good! Explain it to me!

* * *

Inuyasha was pounding the crap out of Kagome as was his Sunday custom.

As his fists rained down on the girl he had once loved and who loved him so much it ached inside he also rained down insult. Really, really devastating ones!

"You don't look good in fuscia!" he snarled. "You smell like mayonnaise! Your feet aren't like my feet! Your nose is big!"

Kagome could only collapse helplessly and submit to the terrible abuse that her one true love heaped upon her, sobbing and wondering how someone so beautiful could have so many terrible insults inside him.

'I love you,' Kagome thought as she managed, through some fluke--act of god--to survive a thorough trouncing from a hanyou.

As Inuyasha bruised her poor body, with his fists raining down as a rain falls upon something Kagome turned inwards. To save her sanity, she had taken to curling up in a small corner of her mind and singing show tunes.

But as today would have it, she had 'Row Your Boat' stuck in her head. So in the little corner of her mind that was her sanctuary she sang that instead!

'Row row row your-ow!- boat! Gently down the -ow!- stream! Merrily, Merrily-ow- merrily, life is but a -ow!-dream!'

Kagome could tell Inuyasha was working himself up into a terrible rage, he was now taking out all the wrongs of his life, delivered to him by the hands of unfeeling humans on her.

"This is for my acne problem when I was twelve! This is for wetting my pants when I was five! This is for the time I accidently used poison ivy as toilet paper!"

Kagome tried to look up at her true love, though her vision was blurred and obscured and basically hindered to the full extent of the law by the black eyes he'd given her and the tears in her eyes.

Inuyasha stopped beating her suddenly and exclaimed, "Kikyo? Naraku?"

Kagome had not yet passed out, so she looked up and watched as the miko and the demon in the baboon pelt slunk out of the bushes.

Kikyo passed Naraku something small and white and muttered what sounded suspiciously like "Crotch the weed man!"

Naraku looked at the object in his hands and shrugged. He pulled out his baboon pelt and stuffed whatever Kikyo had passed him down his pants. No sooner had he done this, but one of Kouga's few remaining wolves pounced on Naraku, biting down on where it smelled the weed. The wolf dragged the wailing Naraku off into the woods by his crotch.

The three in the clearing watched him go and shrugged.

"Inuyasha! When the spider weaves a web of dreams which the careless wanderer tears on his trek through the woods of adversity the virgins of the Temple will weep and eventide shall wash over us, leaving us on the darkness of our own contemplation!"

"That is so hot!" Inuyasha said. He launched himself at Kikyo and began kissing her frantically. Kikyo grabbed him and began kissing him back. They collapsed to the ground and began to make out wildly. Kagome blissfully and conveniently fell unconscious.

.:V:.

"Sango I'm sensing some hostility here," Miroku said calmly as Sango continued beating him violently about the head with Hiraikotsu.

"You stupid man! You stupid, stupid man!" she shrilled. "I hate you! I hate you!"

Miroku sighed heavily and wept silently in the innards of his innermost self for his dear sweet Sango.

When they hadn't been able to save Kohaku from his drug addiction, with mysterious origins, Sango had become violent and temperamental.

It didn't help that it was her time of month. His lovely lotus of budding feminity was always a wee bit touchy when it was the full moon. She got grumpy and refused to shave her legs.

Miroku could only wonder what happened to his lovely Sango, the woman who'd said she'd bear his child...if he was a good boy.

Finally Miroku could take her abuse no longer. He rose to his full height, and was smacked upside the head one last time.

He gave her a beseeching, soulful and somehow sexy look.

"Please Sango, I love you! I love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my loins! Please Sango! Bear my child and let us forget this foolish quest to cause me severe brain damage! It can only lead to heart ache!"

Sango in a fit of female rage hit Miroku upside the head with all her might. There was a resounding crack and Miroku fell forward, knocked unconscious.

.:V:.

Sesshomaru, came across Kagome's prone form and shrugged.

"That's something you don't see everyday!" he murmured to himself. He continued on his merry trek through the woods. He stopped when he came across Miroku's prone form.

"Well now that's curious," he murmured. He looked back over his shoulder, in the direction of Kagome. The hamster wheel in his head began to turn and a wonderfully devilish idea began to form.

Grabbing Miroku by the ankle Sesshomaru dragged Miroku to lay beside Kagome. Sesshomaru then switched their clothes.

But of course he didn't in any way shape or form violate their modesty! Especially not Kagome's, because that would be wrong and immoral. No, since this is just gender bending, cross dressing fun, no one was in anyway molested or made to feel small about themselves.

**_This author would now like to take the time to join hands with her readers and remind them all that we are all the children of the creator and are all special and loved. We are all unique and we can each contribute something to society to make the world a better and happier place!_**

Anyway, Sesshomaru put Kagome's school uniform on Miroku and put his robe on Kagome. Then he trotted away snickering.

.:V:.

Kagome woke slowly and found, much to her surprise, she was laying next to Miroku, who was wearing her school girl uniform.

She was quite puzzled at this development, but not quite puzzled enough to completely miss how breathtaking Miroku's legs were.

They were tanned (which was unusual for someone who wore a dress--robe all day) and perfectly formed. They were also rippling with the muscles that allowed him to keep up with Inuyasha for short bursts.

Kagome felt her face become very red as she leaned over his prone form, taking in all those sexy muscles he usually hid beneath his baggy robes. Who knew Miroku had a six pack? Amazing pecs and biceps to just die for? (I know nothing about muscles except abs are in your tummy!)

He moaned and began to stir.

Kagome gasped and placed a hand to her blushing cheek.

**Blushing cheek? Wait a minute, wasn't Inuyasha just beating the crap out of her?** _Yes._ **But how can she be blushing? She should look like one giant bruise!** _It makes sense._ **But...** _It MAKES SENSE!_

Miroku's fluttering lids opened and he stared into her face, confusion growing in his eyes. He looked at what she was wearing and frowned even more. He leaned up slightly to regard himself and frowned even more.

"This is new," he said slowly, uncertainly. "Lady Kagome, why have you...?"

"I didn't do this!" Kagome was shocked anyone could suggest such a thing. Her cheeks burned even hotter with embarrassment. "Miroku, I woke up and I was just wearing your robe!"

Miroku pushed himself up and frowned.

"This is indeed puzzling," he said.

Kagome's heart softened when Miroku didn't grope her; she thought it was because he was too worried about her. In reality, he wasn't sure if he could find her ass in that huge robe thing she was wearing. It was just too baggy!

Kagome helped him to his feet. Blushing as a stray wind cause his skirt to rise dangerously. But as in all animes, it didn't show anything, except indecent amounts of leg, which made Kagome's blush deepen.

It had been so long since she and Inuyasha had... you know, put on skirts and walked around in a stiff breeze that she was quite unprepared for the violence of her reactions. It took her breath away.

"Well, I suppose we should change back into our normal clothes," Kagome said looking around. She sighed heavily. "But I don't see any place we can go to change!"

Miroku nodded. He too scanned the forest.

"I know what you mean," he agreed. "All I see are bushes, trees, out houses and Kaede's hut. No change rooms in sight!"

Kagome felt a hot blush cross her already red cheeks. Which made them now even hotter and redder.... and blushier!

"Alright Miroku," Kagome said. "We'll just undress here! I trust you!"

Miroku nodded. They turned their backs to one another and began undressing, slipping out of one another's clothes.

And in completely anti-Miroku fashion he managed not to peep on Kagome. Because that would be taking advantage of her and it would make her feel little about herself and girls need to remember to love themselves and not to let anyone else decide their worth because we are all beautiful!

They exchanged clothes, without actually seeing each other naked because they are two very talented people and then, once they were wearing their own clothes again, they turned to face one another.

Kagome's cheeks turned red.... er. Her face was very red. So red in fact all the blood was rushing to her face, leaving the rest of her body pale and bloodless. Literally.

"I'm sorry if my presence has made you uncomfortable!" Miroku apologized.

"It's alright, Miroku," Kagome said in a soft, breathy voice. "It's just that..."

A gust of wind cut across her. Letting out a scandalized sound, she grabbed her skirt and held it down and it rose and danced with the wind. It revealed a large bruise on her upper thigh.

The only sign that Inuyasha had been beating her earlier.

"Kagome!" Miroku whispered staring at the bruise. "What's wrong? Why are you bruised?"

Kagome looked down and burst into tears.

"My secret has been revealed!" she cried, collapsing to the ground. "Inuyasha is abusive and beats me! Oh Miroku, I'm so ashamed!"

Miroku blinked.

"Oh, dude, I thought you bumped into a table or something!" he said blankly. "But abuse you say? I never knew Inuyasha was capable of that! I mean... I knew he could kill people, and I knew he had a messed up upbringing and I know he goes demonic and slaughters everything in sight, and I know he beats the crap out of Shippou every chance he gets... Never did I ever suspect he would be able to hurt you, though!"

Kagome dissolved into tears.

Miroku wrapped her in his strong embrace, holding her protectively.

"Lady Kagome you hide your pain so well," he whispered, stroking her hair.

"I know," she agreed. "I'm strong on the outside, but fragile on the inside! I'm like a box! Filled with those styrofoam chips to keep an expensive vase from breaking! I can travel okay, but if you play with me too roughly, or drop me from an airplane, I shatter!"

Miroku could only bow his head and nod sadly. It was time to tell her his secret.

"Kagome," he whispered. "You're not alone! Sango.... abuses me!"

"No!" Kagome gasped, pushing him back. "You mean beating you and slapping you has gone from foreplay to violence?"

"Yes," Miroku said. He couldn't keep the self loathing from his tone. "Yes I do mean that. I'm like you, Kagome! A slave to one I love but cannot love me in return! I love Sango, but I cannot condone her behavior. And also, I suspect she's werewolf."

"Use a metaphor Miroku!" Kagome begged him. "Please, tell me in a metaphor!"

"I am like an egg, round and smooth, and found only under birds. Beneath that soft shell of my exterior though, I'm yellow and wet and slimy and if anything happens to my fragile shell, I'll go splat on the rocks!"

Kagome gasped in horror at this terrible metaphor.

"I guess we two are empowered victims," she said slowly.

"Yes," Miroku agreed, ignoring the fact that 'empowered victims' is an oxymoron.

"We must band together and combine our strength to heal these wounds to our souls," Kagome decided.

"Yes," Miroku agreed.

"Miroku?" Kagome asked him.

"Yes, Kagome?" he asked her.

She bit her lip. She wasn't used to asking these types of questions.

"Will you grope me?"

Miroku smiled widely.

"Yes, Kagome!" And he groped her with all his heart.

.:V:. Somewhere in the forest...

"Ahh! Ahh! Help me! Help meeeee!"

The wolf continued dragging him through the forest by his... ah hem... area.

"Oh god this is the worst pain ever!" he wailed. "Help!"

* * *

A/N Dude, worse then Naraku and Kagome... Warped. Seriously... warped. It has its moments... right? Yeah.... I'll leave now. I did get wigged though, Inuyasha shows more abusive tendencies then I thought... hmm! ANYway. I hope you like the next chapter, it'll be funny because I'm not writing it! Man! It's like all my antics leave me when I'm not writing Sesshomaru. Maybe I need to make some sort of sacrifice to him for continued hilarity. There's a thought.... here kitty, kitty, kitty! 


	8. Inuyasha and Sango

A/N (Super Ceech) Hope you like this chapter, folks! MoonLightWolf helped me out with the beginning so say thanks to her too! Now, for some good ol' Inuyasha and Sango! (A lot of you guessed this would be the next one...good job!)

* * *

"Kaze no Kizu!"

"Hiraikotsu!"

"Take this!"

Three cries rang out into the air as the attacks sliced through the air towards their target.

Naraku laughed gaily, and with ease, avoided both the bone boomerang and the Tetsusaiga's slash, which both flew off their routes and went barricading into the forests ahead. Glancing at the purity arrow heading his way, he merely stretched out a tentacle and whipped it right back.

The arrow then whizzed through the air, right back at its owner. _Hmm..._ Kagome mused. _I wonder why my arrow's getting closer and closer..._

Splat.

_Oh...that's why...ow..._

She screamed collectively as she then clutching the arrow now embedded into her chest, stabbing her right through the heart. She collapsed back, her eyes half-lidded, her breathing shallow and forced. She lifted a weak hand, it trembling slightly. "I-Inu-Y-Yasha…"

"KAGOMEEE!" he howled out painfully. "Kagome! Live!"

"Inu…Yasha…" she coughed out. "You… You must… use the force…!"

He paused, blinking in confusion. "Huh?"

"The… The force - may the force b-be with you!" she wheezed. "I've always wanted to say th-"

She ceased speaking, as her hand dropped lifelessly to the ground.

"SHIT! Naraku is so dying! I never even got to get laid!" he cursed under his breath.

Naraku let out a fiendish laugh stolen from an Austin Powers movie, before shooting out a tentacle towards Shippou, who was crying on Kagome's lifeless body loudly. It pierced straight through him, causing him to shriek in pain, before slumping onto Kagome, dead.

"What the hell was that for, you bastard?!" Inuyasha spat out.

"Er…" Naraku scratched his head absentmindedly. "I don't know. For shits and giggles, I suppose."

Sango hissed a few obscene words under her breath as well, before she glanced to her sidelines, where Miroku was determinedly untying his prayer beads. "Houshi-sama! What the hell are you doing?! Those wasps will poison you!"

Miroku sighed heavily. "I must, Sango. Even with the fact that it doesn't help the situation at all, Naraku will avoid it, I'll die a meaningless death, and all my intellect and intuition is telling me not to, it's my obligation. It's just a cliché part of tragedy." He paused, before adding, "I love you, by the way."

Her eyes began to swim in tears, the substance sliding slowly down her pale cheeks, before dropping onto the ground. "Y-you do? I mean, I never believed you before, but since this is a confession on your virtual deathbed, I do now!"

"Yup! So… How should I do this…? I think I'll prove how knowledgeable the author is by shouting my attack in Japanese." He held out his hand, and tugged on the prayer beads again harshly, before they slid off. "Kazaana!"

Predictably, the wasps flooded straight into the wind tunnel, with Naraku unaffected.

Miroku winced in pain as the poison began to course through his body, and struggled as he kneeled to the ground, closing the air void. He then keeled over, twitching in pain, before his narrowed, pain-filled eyes closed for eternity, his chest no longing rising for a breath of air.

Sango choked out a heart-wrenching sob, as her tears once again fell, dropping onto Miroku's deathly face. "H-Houshi-sama! I love you! How can we defeat Naraku without you and Kagome?"

Naraku gave another cackle. "You think you can at all touch me? Hah! You're all far too bloody and injured! My darkness will fall over these lands like a bad power point presentation!"

"Damn..." Inuyasha muttered. To Naraku, he yelled, "If I knew what those were, you can bet I would be pissed to no end right now!"

Naraku let out a dark chuckle. "You couldn't hope to touch me, Inuyasha! You're nothing but a pathetic half-breed and I am superior to you because I have really feminine looks and deep manly voice!"

"He's got a point..." Inuyasha cursed.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-mmphmpftmph!" Naraku was cut off from his evil laughter as something large, white and fluffly was flung around his face from behind and tightened. Naraku flailed wildly, but soon grew limp, suffocated.

Inuyasha and Sango gaped as Naraku fell to the ground, revealing Sesshoumaru standing behind him with a disgusted look on his face.

"What a nuisance," Inuyasha's brother said with disdain as he regarded the evil villain at his feet. Throwing his fluffy at Jaken who appeared mysteriously beside him, he said, "Jaken, have Rin wash this when she wakes up from her nap."

"Couldn't I wash it, Master Sesshoumaru?" Jaken asked eagerly.

"Jaken, you haven't been allowed to wash my fluffy since the 'occurrence'," Sesshoumaru said blandly.

"Yes, Master Sesshoumaru, of course, Master Sesshoumaru," Jaken babbled before scurrying away.

"Now, I must take my leave," Sesshoumaru said, turning back to Inuyasha and Sango, flipping his hair over his shoulder. "I'll come back to fight you for your sword another day, Inuyasha. I'm just too _lazy_ to do it today...and I must make sure that that pest Naraku didn't wake Rin up from her nap. Ta ta!"

Inuyasha and Sango stood in shock as Sesshoumaru stalked off. After a few moments, they suddenly seemed to remember that their soul mates were in the process of moulding after dying brutal and bloody deaths. Dashing over to their bodies and ignoring Shippo, Inuyasha and Sango proceeded to bawl over them.

"Oh, gaaaad!" Inuyasha cried. "How could this have happened?! How did I fail to protect you?! This can't be...!" He turned his head to the side so as not to see Kagome's shocked and pain-filled face frozen in death. "I never even got to tell you...that I...that I lo-whoa! Miroku was right! Sango DOES have a nice ass!"

Inuyasha couldn't help but stare. As Sango mourned over the dead monk, her rear danced in front of the dog demon's eyes. It was round, smooth...as much of an ass as an ass could be. The assedness was just unfathomable!

"Oh, Inuyashaaaa!" Sango wailed, flinging herself at him. "Miroku's dead; I don't know what to do! And Kohaku contracted that mysterious illness that no one knows about and died off in some unknown ditch on the other side of the world! I need to be consoled and comforted by you in our mutual grief and despair!"

Inuyasha wrapped his arms tightly around her. "I agree! This burden of unimaginable sadness is weighing down on me like one of those sandbag thingies they use on stages and such in the future, and my tears flow and burn down my cheeks like hot chocolate at its hottest! Oh, god, the pain! Do you understand my pain now that I've described it to you so fully using such descriptive comparisons?!"

"Oh! I understand as only I, the sharer of your immense and terrible grief can!" Sango said fervently.

"Oh, Sango..." Inuyasha's voice turned low and husky. "You truly understand me?" His face twitched. "I feel something coming on..." His face twitched again and his body let out a sharp jolt. "I think I've developed sudden and inexplicable love for you!"

Sango's body also let out a spasm. "You know...? Even though Miroku just confessed his love for me before he died, and I loved him back...I think I've just changed my mind! My love for him mustn't have been true..." Her eyes grew shifty. "Yeah, that's a good way to explain it... It's not inconsistent at all..."

"Will you be with me, Sango, for ever and ever and ever and ever and etcetera?" Inuyasha asked with fever and passion in his soulful deep golden/amber/any other shade of yellow eyes.

Sango's brown and warm eyes lit up and clasped his hands in hers as she gazed at him with hope. "I shall!" Glancing at Miroku's corpse, she said thoughtfully, "Somehow, I think my chances are better with you..."

"Then, let's take off, forget about our precious friends, and go make out in the well!" Inuyasha said, standing up with a determined expression on his face.

"Tee hee!" Sango giggled like a school girl, holding her fingers deviously in front of her mouth. "That's naughty, but so enticing! It will definitely cheer me up after witnessing this life-changing event! Nothing like a lip locking session with a good friend to forget about your true love's death! Uh...I mean..not-quite-true love's death..." Shifty eyes.

"Then let's go!" Inuyasha said, squatting down in Kagome's blood to offer Sango a ride on his back. Oh, by the way, Kirara somehow got killed in the middle of the battle. Shifty eyes.

"Oh, but Inuyasha!" Sango said in a high, flitty and flirtatious voice. "What about Kikyo? I thought you loved her...!"

Inuyasha let out a low chuckle. "No worries, San-San (like the spontaneous nickname?). Given the choice between her and you, it's so clear that'd my choice would be you! This relationship may be out of the blue, but make no mistake, the feelings I have for you are stronger than any I've ever felt for any other woman! ...Or pot..."

Sango giggled again. "Okay!" She hopped on Inuyasha's back and they leapt off together (their clothes stained in their friends/fake loves' blood) into the sunset, leaving their friends behind to grow cold and stiff in their own blood and to be ever forgotten by all who might've cared.

But Inuyasha and Sango had each other! So all's good, right? Right! They went off and made out in the bone-eater's well for the rest of eternity. Because the well is a place of immortality. Why? Because it is. So there.

The End.


	9. Yaoi

A/N (Super Ceech) Hey, there, people! Just a few quick words before I hand the show over to Calum! Um...ryuu-oh...have you ever considered therapy...? And Aiffe...you keep telling yourself that... 'Cause you know, _obviously_ we love this pairings... I mean, Inuyasha and Kikyo? Kagura and Kouga? Miroku and Kagome? What's not to love? I wonder...has it ever occurred to you that we write these parodies because we think these pairings are the dumbest things on earth and want to just plain mock them? Alright, okay; I'm done being cynical now. Please, enjoy Calum's next masterpiece...

A/N (Calum the Angel) I'll be hosting you through this delightful romp of monks and identity crises. Now, for those of you who may or may not be yaoi fans yourselves, I bear you no grudge for that. I, however, am not a huge fan of it, and decided that it would be amusing to poke some fun at it. And who better to victimize than King of Womanizing himself, Miroku? So I will say again, I have nothing against yaoi, but some ideas you get for parodies are just too good to pass up. Just a note: I have absolutely no idea whether they used gold as currency or not— I'm thinking not, but like I said, I don't know— and what Jakotsu and Bankotsu are like. For the latter predicament, I'll just be making stuff up that sounds about right. At the end, I managed to make Miroku/Sango hints. Funny thing that... Ack well. Onwards!

* * *

Miroku pulled down the covers on his bed roll. He rubbed his eyes sleepily as morning sun poured in through the window of the old wooden hut. He sat up and stretched, prepared to tackle whatever tasks came his way during the course of that day... But first...

"I'm feeling fun," he said thoughtfully. "I think I'll try gay on for size."

He crawled out of bed and picked up his staff, standing at his full height and looking out into the meadows beyond the hut.

"But what to do first with my newfound attraction to men? I know women love it when I grab their behind, but how would men feel? Well, the best way to learn anything is through hands-on experience. Heh heh heh..."

He strode out into the field where Kagome and Shippou were preparing breakfast, and Inuyasha and Sango were inspecting their gear.

"Good morning, everyone," Miroku greeted jovially.

"Good morning," Sango greeted, sitting next to a lone tree. She glanced up from the Hiraikotsu a moment to flash him a smile.

"You slept in," Inuyasha remarked snidely.

"Yes, sorry about that," Miroku apologized. "It must have been because I was lying in the sun."

"Well you'd better not do it again, monk," Inuyasha sneered. "What if some demon attacked and you were still snoring away in there?"

"Please believe me. I'm sorry, I really am," Miroku pleaded gently. He stepped closer, Inuyasha watching him carefully. He was right next to him when he said in a husky voice, "Can you ever forgive me?"

The girls and Shippou gave Inuyasha an odd look when he suddenly let out a rather un-Inuyasha-like squeak. Inuyasha glanced down, panicked, following the angle Miroku's arm made as it wound around the hanyou and finally ended at the point of Inuyasha's unrest.

"AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Inuyasha screamed like a banshee. He leapt clear up into the tree that loomed above them, and wrapped his arms and legs tightly around a thick branch for dear life, gasping for air.

"What just happened here?" Kagome asked, bewildered.

"Um, Miroku," Sango said tentatively. "Tell me you didn't just do what I thought you did..."

"What did you think I do?" the monk asked innocently. "I was merely apologizing for sleeping in so late. I think you all deserve to hear it from me. It was very irresponsible of me."

"Oh, don't worry about it," Kagome said. Her voice sounded a little unsure. "If there was a demon attack, we know you would wake up. You're very good about that."

"Thank you, Kagome," Miroku said. "I appreciate it."

"Feh..." Inuyasha muttered. He braved to leap down from the tree, landing a safe distance from Miroku and eying the monk suspiciously.

Miroku equally watched the hanyou for a moment, noticing the delicate movement of his long, silver hair as it undulated in a soft breeze. How beautiful it was, even on a creature that could be so harsh sometimes...

..:V:..

When they were prepared to set out again, they took off along the road. By about noontime, they came to rest in a peaceful meadow for lunch. A river ran nearby, and the forest they had emerged from stood not far away.

Inuyasha was washing his face in the river. Sango was playing with Kirara. Kagome was talking to Shippou. Miroku was rather bored.

The monk sat up against a large boulder, gazing up at the blue sky and noting how one cloud in particular looked somewhat like a bunny. He began to feel guilty, not having anything productive to do, so he rose to his feet. He wandered through the plush, green grass and into a shallow part of the forest.

He felt his ploy to go on watch duty was dissolving fast, and was about to return to the meadow, when he noticed a rustling in some bushes not far off. He ran to check on what it was.

Miroku readied his staff over the bushes, and they gave a sharp jolt and a shadow moved quickly away from behind a tree. It was too quick for him to trace with his eyes, so he scanned the area briefly.

"Oh, it's you."

Miroku gave a yelp and whirled around at the sudden presence. He sighed and relaxed when he saw that it was Kouga, and he did not appear to be in a particularly bad mood.

"It's just the monk," Kouga called out, and Ginta and Hakkaku appeared from the forest.

"Why have you come down from the mountains?" Miroku asked.

"Kouga picked up Kagome's scent not far away," Hakkaku explained, "and traced it back to here."

"Yeah, he's gonna try and take her back with us," Ginta added.

"Quiet, you dolts!" Kouga snapped. "You're not supposed to tell him our plan! Numbskulls..."

As the wolf demon was telling his comrades off, Miroku was standing by, noting well his tanned, muscular legs, and the way his biceps tensed up when he was angry, rippling and bulging beneath his skin.

"Oh my," Miroku swooned, fighting off the urge to fan himself.

Kouga turned his head and quirked an eyebrow at the monk. "What?"

"Nothing," Miroku purred naively, taking a few steps forward until he was right next to Kouga. "Just...looking." With that, he grabbed a handful of wolf-pelt.

"EEEK!"

Kouga screamed in a very high-pitched manner and leapt into Hakkaku's arms. Kouga wrapped his arms around Hakkaku's head, visibly shaking. "Wh-what's the matter with you?!"

Miroku pouted. "You know, you could just as easily have jumped into my arms."

Kouga stared in wide-eyed horror at the monk. He shared a distressed look with Hakkaku.

Obviously having lost interest in Kouga, Miroku turned to Ginta next. The wolf demon flinched and stared, aghast, at the monk.

"Sir," Miroku said in a sweet-but-manly tone. He got down on one knee and grasped Ginta's right hand. "Would you do me the honour of bearing my child?"

Ginta's eye twitched. He looked to Kouga for help. The wolf prince, still in Hakkaku's arms, shook his head quite adamantly at his comrade.

"Uh, n-no," Ginta stuttered. "I-I'm sorry, but...no."

"I am forever withered!" Miroku sobbed, falling to both knees and placing the back of his hand on his forehead. "I will respect your decision, but if you should ever change your mind, fair sir, I will be here with my arms open; my heart open!"

"With your robe open," Hakkaku added sarcastically.

"Kouga," Ginta squeaked. "Can we leave?"

"Yes," Kouga said flatly. "Yes we can."

Kouga leapt down from Hakkaku's arms and ran through the forest, whipping up a tornado as he went. Incidently, Ginta and Hakkaku did the same thing, even without Shikon Jewel shards in their legs.

"Hm..." Miroku murmured, still sitting on the forest floor. "This has never happened before. I wonder what's different this time...?"

..:V:..

Not yet eager to return to the meadow, Miroku wandered a little deeper into the forest, eventually coming across a small clearing. He stopped and had a look around. The chirping of a bird caught his attention, and he looked overhead for the aviary creature. Instead, as he gazed up into the sky, he saw a strange cloud bearing down on him from above. As it drew closer, two figures were visible on top of it. The cloud finally came to land on the other side of the clearing, opposite Miroku. A young man of slender build with long black hair done up in a braid stepped off of the cloud, followed by a more beast-like demon, with a wider build and a lizard-like face.

The first man, with red eyes and carrying an ornate pike, stepped forward and addressed Miroku. "My name is Hiten, and this is my brother, Manten. We have become known as the Thunder Brothers, and if you are wise, you will comply with our demands. We know your friends are in possession of shards of the sacred Shikon Jewel. Take us to them now, and perhaps we will spare your life."

Miroku merely wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and approached the two by their cloud. "Well, well, what have we here?"

Hiten's expression changed from one of malice to confusion. "Huh?"

Miroku stood next to Hiten and began stroking the top of his head. "What gorgeous, silky hair. So smooth, so shiny..."

Hiten glared angrily at the unwanted hand on his hair and ducked out of the way, threatening Miroku with his pike.

Manten stared at the odd encounter, equally enraged. "You take your filthy, unworthy hands off of my brother's hair, you cur!" He pulled his fist back, preparing to take on the monk in a fight, but merely succeeded in knocking a small bag off of their cloud with his elbow. The bag landed on the ground and spilled its contents, several pieces of gold.

"You clumsy oaf!" Hiten spat. "Pick it all up!"

"No! Our money!" Manten cried. He stooped down and began shovelling the gold back into the bag.

Miroku watched Manten with great satisfaction as he bent over.

Enjoying the view, Miroku cried, "Whoo, dawgie! Daddy's got a full load tonight!" He began advancing on the demon, hands at the ready.

"Manten!" Hiten warned his brother desperately. "Run!"

Manten turned his head, shocked, and screamed when he saw the monk coming towards him. He leapt back onto the cloud along with his brother.

"Wait!" Manten said. "What about the gold?"

"Leave it!" Hiten shouted.

With that, the cloud zipped away in the blink of an eye, into the sky and out of sight.

Miroku watched it go, slightly disappointed but never discouraged. Oh no, not our Miroku. He continued on his merry way through the forest, circling back around slowly on his way back to the meadow.

The forest started getting dark, for the foliage above was becoming very thick and blocking out the sun. It was somewhat difficult to see in the shade, but a tiny pale figure was like a beacon on the ground, right in the middle of Miroku's path.

As the monk drew nearer, he noticed that it was a white parasitic creature with a worm's body, scythes on the ends of its skinny arms, and a somewhat human head, with long lavender hair and violet lips.

"Hey, I remember you!" Miroku exclaimed, running down the path and dropping to his knees before the creature. He took it up in its arms, holding it like a baby. "You're Kageromaru! I never noticed it before, but you sure are an adorable little parasite!"

Kageromaru blinked several times before swiping at Miroku with one long blade. Miroku had to pull his head back sharply to avoid the attack.

"Aw, isn't that cute?" Miroku cooed. "He's trying to gouge my eyes out!"

Miroku heard a hiss from in front of him, and looked up to see another demon crouched before him. He had the same head as Kageromaru, but a human body wrapped in dark-coloured clothing.

"Juromaru!" Kageromaru exclaimed. "Help me!"

Juromaru snatched Kageromaru out of Miroku's arms and popped the parasite into his mouth. The tail wriggled between his dark lips before he sucked it all the way in and swallowed. Juromaru glared at the monk and gave one last hiss before running deeper into the forest.

Miroku stood and dusted off the front of his robes. He made a clawing motion with his hand after the demon, and he scoffed, "Well, me-ow!" before continuing along the path.

The forest started to lighten up some when he saw another man walking the path in the opposite direction from him. He wore a pastel pink kimono spangled in green flowers with a large sword sheathed at his back and a mauve scarf draped over his shoulders. His black hair was done up behind his head, and a blue stripe descended from each eye.

As the two came closer, they recognized each other, but both feigned innocence.

"What vision of loveliness is this?" Miroku wondered.

"Aren't you the yummy one?" Jakotsu said flamboyantly. He walked up to the monk and began to tug playfully on his ponytail. "You look so delicious I could just eat you up!"

"That can be arranged," Miroku replied suggestively.

Jakotsu giggled. "Why, you were never like this before. Or, was it because you were in the company of others? Well, now we can be alone."

"Indeed," Miroku agreed in a husky voice, coming ever closer to Jakotsu. Jakotsu smiled and placed his hands on Miroku's shoulders.

"Jakotsu!" another man's voice shouted from the forest. His long black hair was braided, and he wore a white and navy kimono with gray armor, gauntlets, greaves and spats. A red, four-pointed star decorated the centre of his forehead.

"Oh, Bankotsu!" Jakotsu cried happily to the other man approaching along the forest path. "Look what I found! Can I keep him?"

"No!" Bankotsu shouted adamantly. "He's the enemy, you fool! Stop your tomfoolery at once!"

Jakotsu pouted. "Tsk. You're no fun." He turned to Miroku. "Sorry, sweetums, but I have to go now."

"Surely we will meet again," Miroku promised.

"Stay out of trouble," Jakotsu said in a sing-song voice, patting Miroku on the rear. As he walked away, Miroku's slapped Jakotsu's right back. Jakotsu jumped and yelped, and turned to glare playfully at the monk. He waved a finger, scolding, "Ah ah ah!"

Bankotsu rolled his eyes irritably as the two made their way down the forest path in the opposite direction Miroku was going. Miroku stood swooning for a moment, then digressed.

Miroku found himself nearly back out into the meadow when a shadowy figure stepped out from behind a tree, partly blocking Miroku's path. Leaning against the tree seductively was an effeminate man with long, thick black locks in a ponytail, red eye shadow and clothing of violet and cream.

"Naraku?" Miroku asked, slightly in awe. He was certainly not expecting this encounter. However, his speaking of the hated name came out more like a confused question than a snarl of animosity.

"Yes," Naraku hissed quietly. "How would you like to come back to my castle, where we can make some orchestral maneuvers in the dark?"

Miroku stroked his chin thoughtfully, untactfully looking Naraku up and down. "Mm, no, thank you. I don't swing that way."

Naraku watched in disbelief as the monk brushed past him and continued on his way out of the forest. Enraged, the hated demon turned to Juromaru and Kageromaru, who were concealed in the dark of the trees behind him.

"I thought you said he was attracted to men now!" Naraku snapped.

The demon and the parasite shared a look, then turned back to their patron and shrugged.

..:V:..

As Miroku emerged from the forest, the four in his company ran to him.

"Miroku, where have you been?" Sango demanded.

"You scared us!" Kagome agreed.

Inuyasha growled, "Don't bugger off into the forest without tellin' us first, ya moron!"

"I know, I'm sorry," Miroku apologized. "Please forgive my actions. I haven't quite been myself lately."

"You got that right..." Inuyasha concurred, taking a step back.

"I merely felt as if I should go take up watch in the forest," Miroku explained. "And now that I think of it, I did avert quite a few foes..."

Inuyasha was about to demand of Miroku what he was talking about, when his nose caught a scent in the air. "Sesshoumaru!"

Everyone was immediately on their guard, and turned around to see what Inuyasha had just smelled. Sesshoumaru descended to the ground on a glittering cloud with Jaken at his side.

"Brother," Sesshoumaru said. "It is time for you to die."

"Don't you ever give up?!" Inuyasha growled, reaching for Tetsusaiga.

"Wait, Inuyasha," Miroku said, stepping forward. "Let me see if I can't smooth things over."

The monk began walking straight towards Sesshoumaru, much to the dismay of his comrades.

"Miroku, no!" Kagome shouted.

"He'll kill you, Miroku!" Shippou cried.

"You fool!" Inuyasha barked. "Come back!"

Sango winced. "What does he think he's doing?"

Miroku stopped directly in front of Sesshoumaru. The dog demon gave him a steady gaze, and threatened the monk with the tip of Toukijin. "Out of my way, monk. Or you will suffer the same fate as Inuyasha."

"If that fate is your eternal love and devotion," Miroku sighed, "then let me have it!"

His four friends stared, shocked into submission, at the obscenity taking place before their very eyes.

Sesshoumaru, still as stony-faced as ever, lowered his sword and merely stared at the clearly unwell monk.

Miroku continued, "We have met on many occasions, but this is my one experience that I finally realize what a truly beautiful creature you are. Your hair is like a shimmering waterfall of silver." He began to stroke the fluffy slung over Sesshoumaru's right shoulder. "And this...this...thing. It's so soft and warm. May I rest my head on it?"

Sesshoumaru's expression was unreadable, but it seemed that his eyes had gotten a little wider. He turned his head and little and slowly shifted his eyes downward. "Jaken?"

"Y-yes, Master Sesshoumaru?" Jaken answered nervously.

"Please, leave us a moment." Sesshoumaru's voice betrayed a hint of emotion, one of apprehensiveness. "I simply will not allow you to see this kind of behavior from this man. Especially not after the...fiasco."

"Yes, of course, Master Sesshoumaru!" Jaken complied readily. The little imp ran away as fast as his legs could carry him.

Sesshoumaru returned his anxious stare to Miroku, who was looking up into his eyes longingly.

"Quick question," the dog demon said. "...Why?"

"I just thought it would be a lark," Miroku shrugged. "You ask why? I answer, why not!"

"Ah," Sesshoumaru nodded, now understanding. "I think I know how to solve your problem. You see, you appear to be suffering from an identity crisis."

"Suffering?" Miroku repeated. "I'm enjoying every minute of it!"

"Yes, well," Sesshoumaru muttered dismissively, as if trying not to listen. He turned to the rest of the group. "Your monk will return to normal by the next sunrise. There's a day in every bishounen's life when he goes through an identity crisis much like this one."

"So just for today he's attracted to men?" Sango guessed.

"What are you, the narrator?" Sesshoumaru demanded abrasively.

Sango crossed her arms defensively and quietly snorted, "Hmph!"

"But to answer your question, yes," Sesshoumaru continued, Miroku rubbing his fluffy against his face. "With some of us, it's anything with two legs and a heartbeat."

"Oh..." Sango moaned.

"Wait, so you mean that one of these days," Inuyasha said, "it's going to happen to...me?"

"Of course," Sesshoumaru replied. "I, too, shall fall victim to the identity crisis someday. I only hope I will be as far away as possible from any other living being when it happens..."

"I'm just glad Miroku didn't come after me," Shippou sighed in relief.

"Oh, the day is still young!" Miroku bubbled.

"AAHHH!" Shippou screamed. He hid beneath Kagome's hair.

Miroku turned to Sesshoumaru. "And where's that delightful little imp, Jaken?"

"I have to go now," Sesshoumaru said quickly, shoving the monk away. He tugged his fluffy out of Miroku's grasp and resheathed Toukijin. He pointed at Inuyasha. "I'm leaving, but I expect you to die later."

"Don't hold your breath..." Inuyasha muttered.

Sesshoumaru disappeared into the sky on his glittering cloud in record speed.

"So, Inuyasha," Miroku purred, turning around slowly. "Where were we this morning?"

"Oh, no!" Inuyasha cried adamantly. "We're puttin' you in quarantine until you're back to normal!"

"Who says this isn't normal?" Miroku shrugged. "I'm rather enjoying myself, you know? I might just keep doing this everyday."

"Wh-what?!" Inuyasha screamed.

"C'mere, my little Inu-kins!'

"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Miroku chased Inuyasha in the forest.

"That does it!" Sango shouted. "You manizing is just as bad as your womanizing! I won't stand for it!" She and Kirara pursued the two into the forest.

"Wow, Sango sure did seem mad," Shippou said, emerging from Kagome's hair.

"I think if I was Sango," Kagome said, running in to the forest after the others, "I would be, too."


	10. Yuri

A/N (Calum the Angel): Basically, the same author's note from the last chapter, only regarding Yuri. This also incorporates a Kaede/anyone pairing that someone requested. Please, do enjoy! Kekeke...

* * *

"You're such a jerk!"

"Oh, I'm the jerk?!"

"Yeah, you are the jerk!"

"Why don't you just go home if you think I'm such a jerk!"

"Maybe I will, jerk!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Shippou grabbed the sides of his head painfully. "Oh boy, talk about a case of deja vu... If those two get any louder, my head is going to split open!"

"It's so strange how their behavior towards one another can change from day to day," Sango commented. She shot a glance at the monk next to her. "So, Miroku, feeling any better today?"

"Yes, much better," Miroku responded. "I don't know what came over me. It's just like Sesshoumaru said: I would return to normal after the sun rose for the following day."

"That means you're attracted to women again?" Sango asked hopefully.

"Indeed."

"That's a relief..."

_Stroke, stroke._

_**SLAP!**_

"NOT THAT RELIEVED!!!"

"Hey, what's the hold-up?!" Inuyasha demanded of Kagome. "I thought you said you were going home! Why don't you collect up your things and go cry your girly-tears all the way through the well!"

"All you men are the same, you know that?!" Kagome screamed. "You're such a chauvinistic creep! You're always rushing off into battle, swinging your sword like it's some big representation of your manhood!"

Miroku arched an eyebrow.

"What, are you afraid the poor little women are going to get hurt?!" Kagome continued. "Always thinking you need to protect us from the big bad demons! What makes you think we actually need protecting? I hate it when you protect me! Stop protecting me, you jerk! I don't care if I would get killed five time before I hit the ground if it weren't for you protecting me, I still say it's chauvinistic!"

"Uh, Kagome," Sango began.

"You should be highly offended, too!" Kagome snapped.

Sango shrugged and sighed helplessly.

"What do you mean, she sighed helplessly?!" Kagome shouted to no one in particular. "Are you saying that women are helpless?! You're as sexist as the rest of them!"

But, uh... I'm a girl.

"A sexist girl! Girls can think that women are helpless too, if they're some kind of low self-esteem male-attention-seeking scum!"

A large boulder fell from the sky and landed directly on Kagome's head.

"Ha! Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella!" Kagome crowed, holding a tiny paper cocktail umbrella in her fingers. The boulder was repelled effortlessly...onto Inuyasha.

"Inuyasha!" Miroku cried. "Are you alright?"

Inuyasha lifted the boulder up, grunting painfully, and tossed it off of him. He got to his feet painfully and dusted himself off.

"And I'm not even done yet!" Kagome shouted.

Oh, yes you are.

"No, I'm not! Why are they called _man_hole covers?!"

"What's a manhole cover?" Inuyasha wondered.

"Don't play dumb!" Kagome snapped, sticking her finger in his face. "Just because you're a dumb male doesn't mean you have to play the part!"

"Now see here!" Miroku cut in.

"Oh, don't you start!" Kagome raged, whirling around to face Miroku. "You're the worst of them all! You think you can just walk up to any woman and ask her to bear your child?! I don't care if you're going to die! You think women are a bunch of floozies?! Only good for making babies for your own selfish reasons?!"

"Oh, they're good for far more than that..." Miroku sighed dreamily.

"What, cooking and cleaning?!"

"No, that's...not quite what I meant..."

"And that's only half of it! You think you can put your hands all over a woman without her caring?! You have no right to do that! Keep your hands to yourself! Everyone learned that in Kindergarten!"

"What's kindergarten?" Miroku inquired delicately.

"AAGH!" Kagome screamed. She grabbed Sango by the wrist and dragged her off into the forest.

"Kagome!" Inuyasha called after the enraged girl.

"Uh... I'll be back!" Sango called. "...I think..."

"Wasn't it horrible how they just kept mouthing off at me like that?" Kagome demanded of Sango when they'd reached a clearing. Kagome was pacing fervently.

Sango watched her with her eyes. She muttered, "I'm not sure it was them doing the mouthing off..."

Kagome didn't seem to notice. "You should agree with me more than anyone! Miroku puts his filthy male hands all over you all the time, doesn't he? Don't tell me you enjoy it!"

"Of course not!" Sango snapped. "I don't think it's in good taste at all. It's especially uncomfortable since I work with him all the time."

"A classic case of sexual harassment in the workplace!" Kagome nodded.

"But Kagome, that's no reason to harangue them like that. You were awfully hard on them. Everyone has their faults. Miroku's just happen to be a little more physical than most... You don't need to yell at him for me. I'm quite capable of handling the situation on my own!"

"What about Inuyasha?"

"He protects you because he cares about you," Sango explained exasperatedly, "Not because he thinks he should because you're female!"

Kagome suddenly burst into tears. "Oh, Sango, is that really what it is? I'm not sure of anything anymore! I'm so lost! I... I...feel like I don't know who I am anymore!"

"Almost like..." Sango gulped, "...you're having a crisis of identity?"

"Exactly!" Kagome shrieked. She sobbed into Sango's shoulder. "You're the only one who understands me!"

"Uh oh..." Sango mumbled, squirming uncomfortably in Kagome's grip. Sesshoumaru had never mentioned that identity crises could be inflicted upon bishoujo, too...

"I never want that nasty, chauvinistic old Inuyasha to protect me again!" Kagome cried. She looked lustfully up into Sango's brown, seriously worried eyes. "Will you protect me, Sango? You're so strong, and know how to fight demons just as good as any stupid man; even better. And you look so hot in your demon slayer uniform!"

"I have to go!!!" Sango screamed. She squirmed out of Kagome's embrace and sprinted out of the forest.

Kagome stared after Sango a moment before sighing heavily.

"I can't go back now... Not back to stupid chauvinistic Inuyasha, and stupid chauvinistic Miroku, and Shippou, to whom I am fairly indifferent..."

Kagome turned around and walked degenerately into the deepest parts of the forest.

Enjoying the sound of her shoes crushing the poor, innocent leaves under her feet, Kagome soon came to a peculiar part of the forest. It was very dark, as if night had suddenly fallen. As she wandered deeper into the woods, she was faced with a translucent wall of swirling blues. She had seen strange things like this before.

"This looks like one of Naraku's barriers," Kagome gasped. "Well, I'll be!"

She felt a chilling breeze cross behind her back. When she inhaled sharply from the shock, her eyes locked on the source of the chill. A long, white, serpentine dragon had just flown past her and was now returning to its master.

Kikyo stood not far away, standing next to the barrier and inspecting it carefully.

Kagome studied the ancient priestess for a moment. "You know," she mused to herself, "Kikyo isn't half bad-looking. No wonder Inuyasha keeps cheating on me with her! Not that I care or anything. I hate Inuyasha. Wait a minute... Kikyo hates Inuyasha, too! We have so much in common!"

Without any kind of sense left in her brain, Kagome marched right up to Kikyo and stood next to her, before the looming barrier. Kikyo slowly turned her head to look at Kagome, her neck squeaking. She was a rusty old clay pot, after all.

"Hi, Kikyo!" Kagome greeted cheerfully, taking a page out of Hojo's book.

Kikyo blinked. "Once the spider's hair has become tangled in its own hairbrush, it must brush its teeth at once or the metaphysical tungsten filament in the cosmic lightbulb will bathe the world in darkness."

It was Kagome's turn to blink. "...Huh?"

"I said, what do you want, kid?"

"I was just thinkin'..." Kagome said innocently, scuffing her toe in the dirt. "I think you're kind perty an' all, an' I was wonderin' if you wanted to be my girlfriend!"

Kikyo cocked an eyebrow. "I beg your pardon?"

"Give us a snog, you old clay pot!" Kagome gushed, arms outstretched in the offering of a hug.

Kikyo chose not to accept it. "Why would I want to kiss you? I'd rather kiss Inuyasha. How I love him so... No, wait, that was last week... Yes, that's right, I hate him this week." Kikyo pulled out her day planner and began leafing through the pages. "And next Monday appears to be Try And Kill Inuyasha For Some Inexplicable Reason Day, so I'll still hate him then, but after that... I'm free on Wednesday to try and kiss him. And I suppose that will set you off into a jealous rage... That way, I can kill two demons with one arrow."

"No, it's changed!" Kagome insisted. "I hate men now! Inuyasha is history, baby, you're the only one for me!"

Kikyo looked up from her day planner, intrigued. "You...hate Inuyasha? Well then, we have much to discuss. However, I'm afraid I can't talk here. I have a very important meeting beyond this barrier. Would you care to join me?"

"Of course!" Kagome chirped. "I would follow you anywhere!"

Kikyo stepped through the barrier. It parted for her, leaving her completely unscathed. Kagome was right behind her, equally capable of passing through the barrier without a hassle.

Kikyo sighed and shook her head slowly. "If only Inuyasha was that agreeable..."

The two travelled uphill to a large castle. On the outside, it appeared to be nothing more than the average noble's abode, but Kagome knew that the thick, purple atmosphere that hung over it was nothing but average. It was none other than Naraku's miasma, surrounding one of Naraku's illusory castles.

Kikyo led the way up the hill and into the castle. There was no one else to be seen.

"Sure is dark..." Kagome mumbled as they set foot in the castle vestibule. "Kikyo, give me your hand! I can't see a—"

Kagome halted when she realized that Kikyo was nowhere to be seen.

"—thing? Kikyo? Kikyo, where are you? I can't see you! Kikyo!"

There was no reply from the miko. Kagome was all alone in the dark of the castle.

"Oh, great. Now she's gone and lost me! Don't tell me I have to hate women now, too! There's no one left! ...Except maybe Naraku. He has no gender..."

"What have we here?" a voice purred from beyond the shadows. A figure in a traditional kimono stepped out into the light. Her hair was up in a type of bun, accented with a pair of feathers. Red eyes were hooded with eyeshadow of the same shade, and she held a fan in her right hand.

"It's Kagura...!" Kagome gasped. Then she hesitated. That cruel, exotic look in her eye. That swagger in her step. The fact that she was female. She was perfect!

"A candidate for some lovin', that's what we have here!" Kagome exclaimed. She ran up to Kagura and grabbed her free hand. "I've never noticed before how lovely you really are! How do you get your hair like that?"

Kagura's eyes widened in fear. She tried to jar her hand from Kagome's grip, but it was futile.

"Wh-what are you doing?" Kagura demanded. "Let go, you freak!"

"Never!" Kagome exclaimed. "I will stay with you forever and ever and ever and ever and EVER!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" Kagura cried desperately. She finally managed to wrench out of the lovesick girl's grasp and run for dear life through the corridors of the castle.

"Come back!" Kagome called after her, chasing her down the darkened halls. "I love you!"

Kagome pursued Kagura all the way to the opposite end of the castle, where a lone chamber rested at the end of a long corridor. Kagura came sprinting into the chamber, the door rolls flying out in front of her with the force of her run.

"Naraku! For the love of the gods, help!"

Naraku looked up scandalously from his, erm, ministrations on Kikyo's neck.

"I told you to knock first!" Naraku shouted.

"Ugh!" Kagura gagged. She flicked open her fan and covered her eyes from the horrible sight of what could have been considered her father making out with Kikyo, of all people.

Kagome ran in moments later, and beheld the sight herself.

"K-Kikyo!" she stammered. "You're... You're cheating on me with another woman!"

Naraku lifted an eyebrow. It lowered as a smile crossed his face. "You know, you're welcome to join us."

Kagura's eyebrows shot up.

Kagome, on the other hand, pursed her lips doubtfully. "That voice... Sorry, I didn't realize you were a man."

"Dammit!" Naraku cursed. "That's the third time this week! First that drunken peasant, then the monk, now you!"

"Oh, Kikyo!" Kagome blubbered. "How could you do this to me?!" She ran sobbing out of the room and back out into the dark corridors.

There was an awkward silence back in the chamber. Kagura's eyes shifted nervously.

"I'm, uh..." Kagura mumbled, "gonna go now..."

She disappeared out of the room just as quickly as she had entered it.

Meanwhile, Kagome had found her way out of the castle and was now wandering through the forest again. How did she manage to get out of the castle without getting lost down the long, dank, dark, dusty corridors, you ask? Why, she's Kagome! Need a better explanation than that? Well, too bad. You're not getting one. So m'leah.

Anyway.

When Kagome emerged from the forest, she found herself near the village by the Bone Eater's well. Everything seemed normal and peaceful, until she spotted a strange shape in the sky. A chill went up her spine when she saw it, and knew she needed to find out what it was. She saw it land somewhere in the village, and ran to meet it.

She eventually tracked it to Kaede's hut. The strange shape had been Sesshoumaru's yellow, twin-headed dragon, which was now sitting out on the grass and looking around indifferently. Tied behind them was what looked suspiciously like a convertible. Kagome knew that Sesshoumaru often changed his mode of transportation, but this seemed...a little more unusual than was, well, usual. Kagome squared her shoulders and opened the door to Kaede's hut.

Kaede was standing opposite Sesshoumaru. The two stared each other down from across Kaede's fire pit.

"This is your last chance, old woman," Sesshoumaru threatened monotonously. "Give me what I came for, immediately, or suffer severe retribution."

"I have already told ye, be patient," Kaede replied calmly. "I will produce what it is that ye seek. But I am old, I cannot simply jump up and get whatever it is that ye need so quickly!"

"You're just stalling," Sesshoumaru muttered. "Stop wasting my time talking, and fetch it, quickly!"

"Lady Kaede!" Kagome called from the door. "Are you—"

"Kagome," Kaede said, noticing the girl for the first time. "There is no need to fear. I will get what Sesshoumaru wants. Then, I expect, he'll leave me be."

"Yes, but—!" Kagome tried to protest. She readied her bow in case something came of Sesshoumaru's threats.

Kaede produced a small container filled with a white substance. "Here. Is this enough?"

"Ah, that's perfect," Sesshoumaru purred. He strode over to the old priestess and picked up the container. He held it up and looked at it with a smirk playing on his lips. "This cup of sugar is exactly what I need to finish baking Rin a birthday cake. Thank you, old woman. This will suffice."

The demon walked out of the hut, but not before spotting Kagome, and regarding the girl for a moment.

"Of course," he said slowly after a moment. "I knew it. It's just like I said. They _always_ come back." He winked.

Kagome's face twisted into a mask of combined fear, disgust, awe, confusion, and general creeped-out-ness. Come on, think about it. Sesshoumaru winking. Wouldn't you feel the same?

After Sesshoumaru had left and the general shock of him winking had subsided, Kagome went and attended to Kaede.

"Are you alright? Did he hurt you?"

"No, Kagome, I'm alright," Kaede replied. "He is surprisingly fair, for someone who turns sibling rivalry into a life-or-death situation."

"Thank goodness," Kagome sighed. "It would be terrible to lose a face like yours."

Kaede lifted an eyebrow. "What do ye speak of?"

"Those wrinkles..." Kagome swooned. "And that eyepatch... They're just so... Kaede, I've never told you this before, but—"

"Oh, ai!" Kaede exclaimed. She shuffled around Kagome, giving her a wide berth, and scampered out the door with much more vitality than her old age would suggest.

Kagome followed her out the door. "Lady Kaede! Where are you going?"

"I just remembered that I needed to go fight Mistress Centipede!" Kaede shouted back as she ran for her life. "I mean, Yura of the Demon Hair! I mean...some demon who's not dead yet!"

Defeated, Kagome sighed. She turned when she heard a small voice behind her. It was a little girl dressed in a kimono with a side ponytail. Kagome was fairly certain that her name was Rin.

"Hi!" Rin greeted happily.

"Hi, there!" Kagome greeted back. "Aren't you the sweetest little thing!"

Kagome reached out to pat the girl on the head when she was suddenly scooped up into Sesshoumaru's arm. Rin clung to the demon's big fluffy, and Sesshoumaru glared down at Kagome with venomous contempt. He voiced his anger in one word.

"No."

"What?" Kagome demanded. "I was just gonna..."

"Sesshoumaru!"

Kagome recognized that voice shouting the name of the angry demon before her. Inuyasha and company appeared off in the distance, running towards them.

"You get away from her!" Inuyasha barked. He swung the Tetsusaiga, releasing a golden shockwave. It sliced through the convertible, but Sesshoumaru was able to leap out of the way in time. Kagome shielded her eyes from the resulting gust of wind.

When Sesshoumaru landed and laid eyes on the ruined convertible, his face showed a startling amount of emotion as his jaw dropped and his eyes widened in shock.

"M-m-my ride!!!" Sesshoumaru shrieked. His eyes narrowed dangerously, and his lower lip quivered. He lowered Rin to the ground and patted her head. "Run along now, Rin. Daddy needs to, er, collect his insurance claim..."

"Yes, Master Sesshoumaru!" Rin said obediently and ran away.

"Any last words before I kill you for what you were about to do to Kagome?" Inuyasha sneered to Sesshoumaru.

The elder demon brother shook his head. "What was it that you think I was going to do? I was only trying to help, brother. Appreciate it: it doesn't happen very often. I'm afraid Kagome's...day has come."

"That's what I thought," Sango said.

"Oh, no!" Inuyasha cried. "Kagome, snap out of it!"

"Don't worry, brother," Sesshoumaru said off-handedly. "She'll be back to normal tomorrow. In the meantime, perhaps I can convince her otherwise. Hey, Kagome. Hear that? I actually know your name now! And check this out!" He lifted up his foot and reached down to the laces. He tugged on them with a sexy grin on his face, which soon turned into a grimace as the laces refused to budge. He grunted as he futilely yanked on them, hopping around on one foot.

"Oh, no, not again!" Sesshoumaru growled. "I just got these undone a few hours ago, I swear! Hang on, just let me keep trying!"

"Inuyasha," Kagome said, approaching the hanyou shyly. "I've changed my mind. Not all men are scum, just most of them. I know that if you didn't care about me, you wouldn't have come all this way to save me."

"You mean, your identity crisis is over?" Inuyasha asked hopefully.

"Nope!" Kagome bubbled. She peered over his shoulder and winked at Sango. Sango shrieked and leapt into Miroku's arms. The monk grinned mischievously.

"Oh, well..." Inuyasha sighed. "Good enough, I guess. Come on, Kagome, let's go."

The five wandered off into the sunset, leaving Sesshoumaru still hopping around trying to get his laces undone.

"Hey! Where do you think you're going?" he demanded. "Fine, but you'll be back! They ALWAYS come back! JAKEN!!! WHERE ARE THE SCISSORS?!?!"


	11. Sesshoumaru and Rin 1

A/N Hey, folks; this is Spacewolf. I'm co-writing this fic with Calum and Ceech. I'm the one who hates her own work. I run into walls all the time because I don't think what I'm writing is funny at all. But Calum and Ceech like it some of the time so I guess it's not too bad! I'm going to sum up why this is late. Sess/Rin is the one pairing we've done so far that I support, but I think it's a screwy pairing for numerous reasons. I sort of want to fully explore why I think THE ONLY pairing I support in this fic is screwed up. It took us a while to work it out, but we finally decided to do a three part Sess/Rin series, to explain WHY we feel this way. Sorry this is so late, it's all my fault, and maybe also due in some way to my hesitance to full explore just how wrong this pairing is.

A/N (Calum the Angel) Dear Aiffe: Yeah, we thought your idea about being Takahashi's avatars was so brilliant, that we wrote to Rumiko ourselves! Unfortunately, when she responded, it was all in Japanese, so we had to assume it was okay. So now we call ourselves Takahashi's Avatars Unlimited and we made up a logo and got jackets and started a club... BY THE WAY, THAT WAS SARCASM!!!

Dear Ithilwen K–Bane: Yes, I think abuse is wrong too. The kind of abuse just like that in Spacewolf's chapter, in many, many other angst filled fics I've seen out there, in YOUR fic where Inuyasha, Miroku and Hojo almost get raped – oh, wait... Well, then who are you to judge????

A/N (Super Ceech) Yes... We've noticed that there seems to be a few disgruntled people out there. I just want to remind everybody that this is a _humour_ fic. As such, it's also _our_ sense of humour. We don't expect _everybody_ to share it, obviously. And if you don't share it, that's fine; we're in no way forcing you to read it.

Also, I'd like to put in a note that it's somewhat useless to criticize this type of fic (unless it's on the grammar and such – or to comment on our twisted minds, lol). It reflects what we find funny, and there's not much anybody can do to change that. I mean, you can still put in your two cents worth, I suppose, but it won't have a huge impact on future chapters if that's what you were hoping.

But on a more cheerful note, THANK YOU to everybody who left such nice reviews! We're so glad you're enjoying it so far and we're glad to bring to you as much laughter in your life as we can! We're really flattered and sincerely hope you like this next chapter! Oh, and thank you to everybody who's been suggesting more screwy pairings to us. We've got a bunch planned out right now, but more new ones are always worth considering!

And now; without further ado; the first installment of the Sess/Rin possibilities!

* * *

One day, Rin was outside picking flowers as she had a habit of doing, and Jaken was babysitting her, as he had a habit of doing. This was mainly because Sesshomaru had threatened him, which he had a habit of doing.

The flowers stood in dirt as they had a habit of doing.

All in all, everything was normal, this peaceful, calm morning. Everything was perfectly normal and like any other day.

Except.

Deep in the lair of Lord Sesshomaru, a strange ritual was taking place.

One so arcane and obscure its origins were all but forgotten.

The making of the birthday cake!

That's right ladies and gentlemen; Sesshomaru, Lord of the Western Lands, was making a birthday cake.

But this wasn't no wimpy cake.

This was, a three layer, super chocolate cake with pink and white frosting!

Lord Sesshomaru had been working all day to make the house perfect for Rin's party. Rin didn't have friends; well she did have one, but he'd looked at Sesshomaru funny and Jaken had overreacted and needless to say it had ended badly.

But that was no reason that his adorable little stepdaughter/niece/ward/adopt-a-wretch didn't deserve the best damn birthday party he could give! And so, he had gone to Kaede in the last chapter to get a cup of sugar.

He wore a pink apron to protect his clothes, and was smudged with flour and had the remains of an egg and yoke in his hair. Not to mention pink frosting on his nose, but the cake was completed.

Sesshomaru stood back and eyed his pink creation. It stood tall and round, wide and inviting. It's heavenly scent was twice as tantalizing to Sesshomaru as it was to humans. The thought of all that chocolate and sugar made the Lord of the Western Lands positively weak at the knees.

Satisfied, he called out to his stepdaughter/niece/ward/urchin.

"Rin! Please come inside for a moment!"

Sesshomaru lifted up the platter upon which he had placed the cake and carried it to the diningroom, as the kitchen was an unholy mess. Rin's eyes lit up at the sight of the huge birthday cake her Fluffy-sama was bringing towards her. He set it on the table in front of her with a satisfied look on his face. He had a smear of icing on his nose, but she didn't want to tell him and upset him.

"It looks so yummy, Fluffy-sama!" she gushed.

"Blow out the candles, Rin," he said indulgently. "And make a wish!"

Excited at the prospect of making a wish, Rin closed her eyes and blew as hard as she could. When she opened her eyes, her little face fell.

"Oh dear," she moaned. One candle was left still alight! Now her wish wouldn't come true!

A billow of black smoke oozed from the candle.

"I am the spirit of the cursed sugar!" it said as it took on a vaguely human form. "For failing to blow out one candle I shall turn you into a teenager!"

"Why?" Rin asked curiously.

"Because I'm a spirit from cursed sugar that's why!" it responded hotly. "Honestly! It's not enough for people to be cursed anymore! Now they want to know _why_!"

Muttering about rude people who needed to know why they were being doomed to torment of some kind, the spirit disappeared.

Then promptly spun itself right back into existence.

"By the way, you're now a slutty sex kitten with no shame!"

And then spun itself out fo existence.

Rin discovered just as the spirit had said, she was now a teenage girl. She would pin her age down at about sixteen. Old enough to be hot, and still young enough to be a sweet and innocent virgin. In fact, by her wager, she was at appropriate fangirl age.... (koff, koff!).

Also, much to her surprise, she'd lost all shame. Which came in handy because her kimono hadn't grown with her and she was practically busting out of it, and yet everything essential was covered,. Making her sexy, but not gratuitous, because as this author explained in a previous chapter it is not our intention to make anyone feel small about themselves!

Now, maybe it was because her kimono was too small, or perhaps because it had become too tight, but for some reason or other, Rin found she was also quite the little slut. Not that she'd sleep with just anyone though. She realized, much to her fascination, she now wanted Sesshomaru as badly as she wanted to go shoe shopping. For a sixteen year-old girl, that's bad!

Now all she had to do was make her Fluffy-sama want her too!

She sashayed towards Sesshomaru, her hips swaying sensuously as she crossed around the table. One of her arms snaked around his neck and leaning close, she licked the frosting off his nose.

"You had some icing on your face!" she purred.

"Oh, now Rin; that was unhygienic!" Sesshomaru scolded. "We use wash cloths in this house, young lady!"

She was floored. Here she was, barely dressed and suddenly old enough, and hot enough for him, and he didn't seem to notice.

With that certainty all teenage girls feel when they've made a conclusion about a boy, she decided that she would simply need to try harder to secure his attentions!

As a sixteen year-old virgin with the life experience of an eight year-old, she felt she knew what she was doing. Just to be certain, she decided to consult Kagome about getting some modern day help.

Kagome, the brilliant girl that she was, brought back some clothes and accessories and a copy of Cosmo magazine. Following the advice in the articles, Rin dressed careful the next day so as to make an impression on Sesshomaru.

"Sesshomaru-sama!" she called from outside the diningroom the next day at breakfast.

"Yes dear?" Sesshomaru asked, reading the daily news scroll.

"Would you like to see my new outfit? I have clothes that fit now!"

"Okay honey," he agreed absently. "Gas is up? People need to stop eating so many beans!"

"Okay!" Rin exclaimed. She jumped into view. "What do you think?"

Sesshomaru lowered his scroll, a genial smile (which he'd been saving for just such an occasion) vanished off his face.

She had applied makeup to her face. She'd applied colour to her cheeks in savage red streaks, bringing out her cheek bones drastically. Her eyes had been done to make them look more Egyptian at the corners. She'd blended blue and purple around them to accent dark lashes framing her large doe eyes. Her lips had been painted a bright, moist looking crimson.

The likeness to any number of pop divas was stunning.

Sesshomaru thought she looked like a rainbow racoon that was practically drooling.

"You look," he paused. "Good!"

Rin's shoulders slumped.

Maybe Sesshomaru needed a better look at her! She was hot now! She sashayed towards him and pivoted, grinned at him over her shoulder and sashayed back to her previous spot.

Showing off her trendy low slung jeans, styling new boots, and super sexy black and lacy blouse.

"What do you think?" she asked him happily.

'My goodness,' Sesshomaru though to himself. 'Rin's ass is escaping her pants.' He managed to keep this comment to himself.

"That Kagome girl is a bad influence," was all he managed to say, before turning back to his paper.

Rin stared at him in disbelief. Here she was, looking as good as she could, and he didn't notice her at all!

Miffed and hurt she stormed out of the room. She consulted her Cosmo magazine. One of the article suggested she make common things sexy to spice up her love life.

She went back to the breakfast table with a look of determination.

"Hey, daddy," she purred, entering the room.

"Hello, Rin," Sesshomaru looked up at her again. "Ready?"

"Baby, are you?" she responded. She straddled a chair sitting on it backwards.

"Oh, yes; I'm ready," Sesshomaru nodded. "I'm hungry!"

Rin watched Sesshomaru as Jaken brought him a plate of scrambled eggs, sausage, toast and bacon.

She toyed with her goblet of orange juice and trailed her fingers over its stem suggestively. Sesshomaru didn't notice as he was too busy examining his egg to see if there were any shells in it.

When Jaken brought her plate, Sesshomaru pronounced it was fit to eat.

"Oh, good," Rin murmured. "I'm starving!"

"Well, dig in!" Jaken urged.

She started with the toast. She leisurely buttered it, making each stroke even and precise and sensual. She tried to get a suggestive rhythm going. After the butter came jam. Once her toast was fully 'prepare' she was ready to eat. Sesshomaru hadn't noticed a thing.

An article in Cosmo had said to make a lot of noise. So she did so.

"Oh!" she moaned, taking a slow, sexy bite out of her toast. "Oh, baby, that's good!" She leaned forward and bit down harder, licking the jam off, stretching her tongue as far as she could. "Just like that!" she hummed. "I like it like that!"

After the toast, she moved onto the sausages....

She nibbled them all slowly, with a little more tongue action and sucking then really necessary for eating sausages. She made eye contact with Sesshomaru while licking part of her breakfast. When he dropped his knife, she could tell he thought it was really hot.

"You're eggs are getting cold dear," he said thickly.

She grinned. So, he was liking this was he? Well, Cosmos sure knew what it was talking about!

She took a forkful of the eggs, doing everything in her power to look sexy.

"Oh these are good!" she purred. "They're so moist, and bouncy!"

"I believe the term is fluffy," Sesshomaru offered helpfully. "Jaken added cheese to mine!"

"Would you mind if I tried some of your eggs?" Rin asked him a breathy whisper.

Sesshomaru shook his head. And got a forkful for her. Instead of taking the fork, like he'd intended for her to, Rin rose so she was leaning across the table, giving the other side a full view down her top. She took Sesshomaru's hand, and caressed it slightly before guiding it and the fork towards her mouth.

She hummed with pleasure at tasting the eggs.

She was certain he wanted her now! She'd conducted herself without restraint, behaved like a slut and was making all the sound effects to a bad romance book on tape. He had to want her!

As she slid back into her own seat she picked up the bacon.

After breakfast and taking a few minutes to celebrate her victory, smug in the knowledge Sesshomaru was now hers she crept to the kitchen where her soon to be boy toy was cleaning dishes with Jaken.

"I tell you, Jaken," Sesshomaru was saying. "I knew teenagers were hard to raise! But it's like all of Rin's table manners flew out the window today! All these parents scrolls I've read say to relax and not wear yourself out on the minor battles with teens, but surely I can't be expected to eat with something who's playing with her food everyday, now can I?"

Rin turned and flew.

Hot tears streaming down her face. She flew to her room and flung herself down across her bed, sobbing wildly, hugging her pillow.

She'd thought Sesshomaru was beginning to see her as a beautiful woman, but apparently he thought she was still a silly girl!

She grabbed Cosmo. It told her that men needed to know your feelings to be able to fully express theirs.

She wrote a very expressive poem and then, too shy to see him face to face, called in Jaken to read it to him while she hid in her room and waited for Sesshomaru's response.

She could see it all now.

He'd be so moved by what she'd written, he'd fly to her side and kiss her and then.... and she wasn't entirely sure what would happen next, but she was confident both she and her hormones would like it!

"Master Sesshomaru," Jaken said. "I have some home written poetry for you!"

"Very well, Jaken," Sesshomaru sighed.

Jaken began to read:

"My frigid lord, your beauty cuts me deep

You're there; always with me as I sleep

Your face, haunting, beneath the pale moon

Tells me that you want to take me soon.

Our desire burns as hot as the heart of a sun

I cannot wait, until our two bodies will be one!"

Jaken did not survive long enough to tell Sesshomaru the poetry had been written by Rin.

After Sesshomaru had killed him, he went on a wild rage, destroying things, refusing to answer why he'd become so enraged, and screaming at random intervals, "Why can't a pretty man be straight!?"

Rin didn't know what was wrong with him. So she consulted her Cosmo. It told her, with all it's infinite wisdom that her beloved Sesshomaru was a little, shall we say "tense" and was too afraid to ask her to shall we say, "ease it." So, she would have to, shall we say "take a chance," and shall we say, " just do it."

She took her, shall we say, "chance," the next day when Sesshomaru was still outside, smashing things, so he decided a tree would have to do. Rin, saw her opportunity and went for it.

Sesshomaru was peeing on a tree whistling the circus tune.

"Hi, Sess," Rin whispered in a breathing whisper, coming up behind him. "Need a hand?"

"No, thank you Rin," Sesshomaru responded. There was a zipping sound and he straightened his clothes. "It's not a two person job!"

He brushed passed her to continue burning things.

Rin stomped home to consult her Cosmo one last time. She needed this! She'd always loved Sesshomaru. Like every little girl she'd always dreamed of being saved by a hero, and hers had saved her, and now it was her chance to make him see how she loved him before he'd raised her too long and things got awkward.

One article jumped out at her.

BATHE TOGETHER!

She nodded and closed her magazine with a determined glint in her eyes. She rose and marched into the woods. It took her a few hours to find him, but when she did, it was more then worth it.

He was already naked and reclining in a hot pool with his head titled back, sighing periodically. Rin stripped out of her clothes and slipped into the piping hot water.

Sesshomaru looked a little surprised to see her swimming towards him.

"Rin, you shouldn't be here," he said looking worried. "This.... this isn't a good idea."

Rin was too determined to stop though. He finally seemed to realize that her feelings had grown up with her and he finally seemed to realize she was a big girl.

Her body was tingling all over, she just assumed it was with anticipation.

"Sesshomaru, I need to make you understand something!" she said firmly. Approaching him. She was only three feet away from him.

"Sesshomaru, I love you!" she said firmly.

Sesshomaru smiled tenderly. (You heard me! He smiled! Tenderly! Get over it!)

"I know you do, Rin!" he said wading towards her.

Rin's heart soared as he reached for her.

"I've never doubted that you loved me," he told her. He lifted her out of the water easily.

Wait, that wasn't right! She was taller then this! What was happening?

"But little girls shouldn't play in the fountain of youth and forgetfulness," he said carrying her to the edge.

By the time he'd set her on the grassy knoll, she'd reverted back to eight years old and had forgotten everything.

"I'm tired Sesshomaru-sama!" she said with a big yawn.

"You've had a busy day," Sesshomaru said. "Now you rest, Rin; Daddy's got to wash the awful Jaken germs out of his brain so he can stop crying at night!"

* * *

A/N (Super Ceech) That's number one of the Sess and Rin Chronicles, folks! Tune in next time (hopefully soon) for the next version! 


	12. Sesshoumaru and Rin 2

A/N (Super Ceech) ...Yeah. It's extremely late. Let's all look accusingly at Spacey. –everyone looks at Spacey who is distracted by her new foamy Sesshoumaru keychain– Riiight...that's not getting us very far... I guess you'll just have to read the chapter...

A/N (Spacewolf) I had a scary thought while writing this. You know how Sesshomaru and Inuyasha are both dog demons? Does that mean they can lick themselves?

* * *

"Please master Sesshomaru, let me stay with you! Let me stay, let me stay! Always with you! Stay! With you! Always! Staying with you!"

Rin was singing.

It was an original piece made up on the spot. As passerbys could clearly hear. But to proud papa Sesshomaru, it was the most beautiful song he'd ever heard.

Today was an important day for Sesshomaru; he was looking for pieces of Jaken. You see, last week Jaken had read some scary poetry to Sesshomaru and had been killed. But now, a week later, Sesshomaru was beginning to realize that without Jaken, he was going to have to start doing his own work. And well, Sesshomaru of the western lands wasn't about to start doing his own work!

So he was gathering up little bits of Jaken to put them together and bring him back to life and then never lift a finger to do anything else again in his life. It seemed like a good idea to him. He'd now gathered up all of Jaken's body parts.

"Rin," he said looking over his shoulder. "Go play!"

"Yes, Master Sesshomaru!" she agreed eagerly.

She dashed off to go play, leaving Sesshomaru to assemble Jaken by himself. To pass the time, Sesshomaru was singing a song of his own.

"The head stump's connected to the neck stump, the neck stump's connected to this thing, this thing's connected to that other thing..."

..:V:..

"Staying! Forever! With Sesshomaru! Oh Sesshomaru! Hum, hum, hum! Let me stay! I'll play all day! If I can stay! I'll behave if I can stay!"

Rin was happily frolicking through a meadow full of wild flowers since they were so common in the forest.

"Psst," said a sharp voice to her right. "Hey you! Kid!"

Rin turned around and looked at the shady figure, hunched over a gnarled cane wearing a long tattered cloak.

"C'mere!"

"Me?" Rin asked, pointing to herself.

"Yeah you! Git over here!" the crone commanded.

"Okay, sir!" Rin agreed.

"I'm a woman!" the crone shouted indignantly.

Rin stopped.

"Oh," she said with great surprise. "But you look like man!"

"No, I don't!" the old woman snapped.

"Yes, you do," Rin insisted. "Look! You've got a three day beard!"

"It's just the shadows!" the old woman snapped, hastily covering up the lower half of her face.

"It's stubble!" Rin insisted. "But it's okay to look like a boy and really be a girl. My daddy Sesshomaru looks like a girl but is really a boy."

"Listen, kid!" the old woman snapped, getting really irritated. "I am not a man, okay? I'm a woman! I'm a beautiful and independent woman and I don't need a man, or a razor to make me feel good about myself, okay?"

"Why would you need a man to make you feel beautiful when you look like a man?" Rin wondered innocently.

"Alright, that is it!" the crone shouted. She shuffled towards Rin angrily. "I was going to give you candy and tell you what a pretty little girl you are, but now I'm going to lay a major wammy of a doo-hickey of a curse on you!"

Rin thought that sounded kind of mean. But just then, Sesshomaru strode into the clearing.

"Rin, how many fingers did Jaken have?" he asked with a frown. "I thought he only had six, but I found seven..."

Rin hurried over to look at the disembodied bits in Sesshomaru's hand.

She beckoned Sesshomaru down and whispered in his ear, "That's not a finger Fluffy-sama."

Sesshomaru straightened up and nodded.

"It must be his nose," he agreed, walking away. "Thank you Rin. Good day, sir."

"I'm a ma'am, not a sir!" the crone shouted. But Sesshomaru didn't hear her. The seething crone turned to Rin. "Okay, little lady," she growled. "You're going to get it now!"

Rin didn't know what it was, but she was hoping it would be a puppy.

She liked puppies. They had cute wet noses, and they let you pet their bellies and they licked your face and looked so cute when they scratched themselves.

Just like Sesshomaru!

Except for the scratching thing.

The crone then cast a wicked spell most foul upon Rin.

She reached for all the powers of the netherworld and turned Rin into a young saucy thang like the lady in the cursed sugar had last week, that Rin didn't remember because she went skinny dipping in the fountain of youth and forgetfulness.

And again Rin was busting out of her kimono with sixteen year-old hotness. Since Rin is a manga and anime girl, she was naturally a little better endowed then most sixteen year-old girls would be. But in her tight kimono, stretching to conceal every contour of her now older body, nature and anatomically correct proportions were not important!

"Gee," Rin said, looking down at her now almost completely exposed chest. "Is this it? I was hoping for a puppy!"

The crone laughed wildly.

"Ah hahahahaha! But what use would a cat have for a puppy?" she asked with a devious smirk. She touched her pinky to the corner of her mouth before she realized she was infringing on a about a billion copyright laws.

"I'm not a kitty," Rin protested.

"Ah, but you are!" the crone laughed. "You are now a hot young neko youkai! You have cute furry ears, you have claws and you have a tail coming out the bottom of your shamefully short kimono! And you have a power whip."

"Can I trade the whip in for a puppy?" Rin asked excitedly.

The crone glared.

"No, you can't trade the whip in for a puppy!" she replied in aggravation. "Heed my word, foolish mortal!"

"But I'm youkai now," Rin protested.

The crone grit her teeth.

"Okay, heed my words, foolish ex-mortal!" she grated. "You must, within a week, find a youkai male and make him fall in love with you! And it must be true love! He must wed you, and you must consummate your marriage, all before the sun sets on the seventh day!"

"Could you give me an hour range?" Rin asked curiously.

"Huh?" asked the crone.

"Well if you say seven days, one could argue that it's seven days after today, or one could argue that it's seven days starting today. There's just this big discrepancy with how long I really have so I'd feel much better if you could give me a rang of hour to narrow my time down."

"Yeah sure," the crone said with a shrug. "Uh, how about 168 hours, starting next hour on the hour."

"Thanks," Rin said with a happy grin. "But I'm afraid you over looked the fact that it's impossible to form a long lasting and substantial relationship with anyone in just 168 hours. I mean there's no way I could know enough about anyone after only a week to marry them for the rest of my unnaturally long youkai life, or consummate anything with them. It would cheapen me and it would cheapen true love."

"Honey," the crone said. "Save it for a demon who cares!"

"B-but what if I can't do it?" Rin asked, weeping at the crone's insensitivity. "What happens if the time runs out and I haven't found him?"

The crone cackled gleefully. "Oh, I don't recommend that, child!"

"W-w-why not?"

"Because something disastrous will occur! Something unfathomably, horrendously and stupendously awful! Something so mind-bendingly and mind-boggling bad that you'll cry yourself to sleep for years and years and most likely decades to come!"

"...But WHAT will happen?" Rin asked blankly.

The crone snapped her gaze to the girl before her, giving her a glare. "Shut it, kid. All you need to know that it's really bad! Really, really bad! You won't like it! It'll be painful and crushing to your soul and mind and heart alike! Trust me, steer clear of the consequence!"

"Errr...oookay..." Rin reluctantly let it go. Then another thought occurred. "But I've never been in love!" she shouted desperately. "How will I know? I need more time then a mere 168 hours!"

"Well you should have thought about that before I cursed you!" the crone snapped. "Besides! Looking for your true love is easy! Just look for the guy with the bubbles, or the sparkles or the stars around his head. He should look kinda pastelly and blurry and you should hear bad music!"

"Oh. Well that's handy!"

Rin then proceeded to skip away, singing a new tune.

"Oh where oh where has my true love gone? Oh where or where could he be? I'm looking for sparkles and bubbles that shine to prove that he's really mine!"

Avril Lavigne began spinning in her grave at these lyrics. Even though she's not born yet and technically can't be dead.

As Rin frolicked, she happened upon Sesshomaru, who was still trying to stick that final bit of Jaken onto the imp demon's nose. It was not working.

"Maybe it's like a stamp," Sesshomaru wondered idly, eyeing the bit in his hand. "Maybe you have to lick it to make it sticky..."

That struck Rin as a very bad idea, and so she stepped into the clearing to speak up against that.

Before she could utter a word though, she was struck by something else. How incredibly hot Fluffy-Sama was!

His long silver hair undulated in a convenient breeze. His high cheekbones gave him an aristocratic and regal look. His eyeshadow added some much needed colour to pallor of his ivory skin. His kimono, for reasons science cannot yet explain had come partially open and Rin could see his strong youkai chest beneath it. Glistening with sweat because sweat is sexy and Sessy is sexy therefore he must be sweaty.

"I can see clearly now, the rain has gone..." warbled a voice in the back of Rin's head. As if on cue.

At once the forest dropped away and was filled instead with a flat background of pastel bubbles. Each glinting with the same light that dappled Sesshomaru's features.

"And my heart will go on, and on!" the voice in the back of Rin's mind continued wildly off key.

Then the sparkles rolled in. Big and glittery and luminous. They sprinkled themselves lovingly like star dust across Sesshomaru's features. Bathing them in their light.

"Row row row your boat..." the voice continued, for some reason singing the entire line in the key of high F.

'Wow,' Rin thought sluggishly, too mesmerized by Sesshomaru's beauty to think clearly. 'I wonder if he's my true love?'

Made bold by the sparkles and the bubbles and her new found hormones, she approached, kneeling beside Sesshomaru and taking his hand before he could test his stamp theory.

Sesshomaru, puzzled that he'd been stopped and preparing to kill something, glanced at her.

"Fluffy-sama," Rin said, her tail coiling about her coyly. "It's me, Rin."

Sesshomaru looked her over.

"Yup," he agreed calmly. "So it is. Rin, who cursed you to be older and hot this time?"

"Some old man," Rin replied, rising to her feet, suddenly shy. She turned away from him and walked a few steps. Sesshomaru rose as well.

"You're youkai now, huh?" he wondered.

"Yes, Fluffy-Sama," Rin agreed in a tearful voice. "I'm a cat youkai!"

"Yeeee-ah," Sesshomaru agreed. Eyeing the ears and the tails.

"Oh, Fluffy-sama!" Rin exploded, turning to him again.

(She didn't literally explode folks, it's an expression, otherwise this fic would be a lot shorter!)

"I must find myself a youkai mate, fall in love with him, true love, and we must consummate this love within 168 hours!"

Sesshomaru nodded thoughtfully.

"Well do you have any idea who your true love is?"

Rin felt very kittenish, mainly because she was now a cat youkai, but also because she was shy.

Softly, she answered. "He is very tall, and handsome."

Sesshomaru pulled out a note book and began to take notes.

"He has long, long hair, and markings on his face..."

"Good," Sesshomaru muttered to himself. "That'll make it easier to find him!"

Dismayed, Rin added.

"He wears a kimono..."

"Ah, wonderful; no nudist for you, Rin!" Sesshomaru congratulated her good taste.

"He's a dog youkai," she added pointedly.

"All the best are!" Sesshomaru bragged.

"He's got a giant fluffy thing," Rin told him, giving him a look...which he failed to notice because he was jotting that down.

"Wonderful, I'll find him in no time!"

With that Sesshomaru put the little note book back where he'd gotten it from (you DON"T wanna know) and then he turned into a ball of light and zipped away.

Rin felt it most keenly in her heart as her true love became incandescent and zoomed from her side. Sighing bitterly, she sat down and waited for her lover to return to her. So she could explain to him that HE was her lover.

"If you get down on me I'll get down on you!" the voice shrilled.

..:V:..

"For the last time!" Kouga snapped, slapping Ginta upside the head roughly. "That is not how 'I Like Big Butts' goes!"

"Actually it's called baby got back," Hakkaku said helpfully.

"That's how I sing it!" Ginta snapped angrily. "I can see clearly now the rain has gone!"

..:V:..

"Rin!" Sesshomaru said excitedly, reappearing. "I found your lover!"

He dropped Naraku in a disgruntled heap in front of Rin.

The girl regarded Naraku in great surprise.

"Naraku?" she demanded. "He's not my lover!"

"I told you," Naraku muttered, angrily.

"But he's got the long, long hair, and the markings on his face," Sesshomaru protested serenely.

"It's eyeshadow!" Naraku snapped.

"And he's got the fluffy thing!"

"It's a baboon pelt!"

"It's fluffy, isn't it?" Sesshomaru countered.

"He's not a dog youkai," Rin sighed patiently.

"But Kagura called him a bitch," Sesshomaru answered.

"It's not the same thing," Rin told him patiently.

"I'll take him back," Sesshomaru decided.

"My lover has long SILVER hair," Rin said firmly.

Sesshomaru nodded and a disappeared again, to return Naraku to his castle, or rather to drop him in the nearest lake.

..:V:..

Rin was picking flowers when next Sesshomaru reappeared. She may have had the body of a sixteen year-old, but she had the attention span of a kitten.

"I found someone new!" Sesshomaru said proudly, brandishing his newest acquisition.

Rin looked the youkai over and said, very slowly. "My lover has to be a boy, Fluffy-Sama."

"Oh. Sorry miss!"

The silver haired female youkai with a big fluffy purse, sniffed and marched away, much offended.

"A boy you say?" Sesshomaru asked. He nodded and then disappeared once more to fetch Rin a male husband.

..:V:..

Sesshomaru was bursting with pride when he returned.

"Look, Rin!" he said proudly. "You can marry Inuyasha! He likes humans, maybe he likes ex-humans too! And he's got that fluffy thing on the Tetsusaiga!"

While Rin was impressed with Sesshomaru's ingenuity, Inuyasha was not. He was being restrained by his older brother, muttering curses and insults too foul for Rin's delicately new cat-like ears to stomach.

"Fluffy-Sama!" Rin said finally, having had enough of these games. She marched up to him and took his face in her hands. Inuyasha was starting to feel really uncomfortable with this whole thing.

"My one true love, whom I must marry and consummate the union with is named Sesshomaru!"

Inuyasha stared at Rin, making gagging sounds.

Sesshomaru blinked in some surprise before he dropped Inuyasha and straightened up, rising to his full height.

Inuyasha scrambled away, gagging and whimpering at the thought of his brother consummating anything!

"I see," Sesshomaru said slowly. "That's a very fine name, Rin."

"A very fine name indeed Fluffy-sama," she agreed in shaky relief.

"You have good taste," Sesshomaru added slowly.

"The very best taste," she nodded, happy that he was at last catching on.

"I'll go find him!" Sesshomaru promised and vanished.

Then again, maybe not.

..:V:..

Rin was asleep when Sesshomaru returned.

"I couldn't possibly have failed," he bragged. "Come on out!"

Rin watched in amazement as a tall, dog youkai with long, long silver hair stepped out of the shadows beside Sesshomaru. He had purple lightning bolts on his cheeks and a purple sun on his forehead. He wore a powder blue kimono with armor over his left shoulder and a big fluffy cape over his left arm.

Rin stared at Fluffy-sama's almost exact duplicate, swallowing hard.

"This is your one true love," Sesshomaru said proudly. "Sesshomaru."

The demon at his side blinked.

"Actually, my name is Zesshomaru," the demon corrected. "That's spelled with a Z not an S."

Sesshomaru sighed and looked at Rin.

"Close enough, right?" he asked weakly. He was getting tired from all this running around.

Rin rose and approached Sesshomaru, taking his hand and looking right into his eyes. Apparently, she was going to have to be very firm and direct with him.

"Fluffy-sama," she said, quite patiently, all things considered. "You are my one true love!"

"Me?" Sesshomaru demanded.

"Yes!"

Sesshomaru nodded, a million things clicking into place.

"Wait here," he commanded. "I'll go find me!"

Rin stared after him, her heart slowly crumbling to pieces within her chest. Sadly, she shook her head and sank to her knees, crying bitterly.

"Why are all the hot ones stupid?" she demanded raggedly.

"There, there," Zesshomaru said kindly, patting her shoulder. "Nick from the Newlyweds asked me the very same thing!"

..:V:..

"Sesshomaru-sama?"

Lord of the Western lands lifted up a rock and peered under it determinedly. Besides some crawling grubs and worms and one little tiny centipede demon who gave Sesshy come hither looks, there was nothing interesting under the rock.

He dropped the rock and straightened up.

"I'm definitely not there..." he decided and strode off. He peered behind a tree but found nothing of note there, except Kikyo frantically huffing from a small white cylinder. Sesshomaru thought about asking her, but he could never understand anything she said anyway.

Sighing heavily, Sesshomaru continued to look for himself. Finally he stumbled upon Inuyasha and his friends, Inuyasha was regaling them with a strange tale that seemed to upset them all.

"And then she said consummated!" Inuyasha sounded horrified, like a seven year-old boy who had just been kissed, by his mother in public. "And she was looking at Sesshomaru like a deer looks at a big block of salt!"

"And how is that, Inuyasha?" Sango asked curiously.

"Brother!" Sesshomaru called out to the gang. Before Inuyasha got a chance to explain what salt licks had to do with his brother.

They all stiffened and stared at Sesshomaru in horror as he approached them.

"He doesn't look like a salt lick to me," Shippou muttered to Kagome, who nodded her agreement.

"What do you want, you bastard?" Inuyasha demanded, putting a hand on his sword.

"I want your help," Sesshomaru replied in his grandly emotionless voice. "I am searching for Rin's ideal mate."

"Yeah, I got that," Inuyasha nodded. "I was there, it was disgusting."

"Yes, well," Sesshomaru replied ignoring that. "Rin has told me that the name of her one true love is Sesshomaru."

The Inuyasha gang neither gasped, nor blinked twice. They merely exchanged sidelong glances which plainly said, 'This surprises me how?'

Anti-climactically Sesshomaru added, "That's me."

"Yeeeah," Inuyasha drawled. "I figured that."

There was a long awkward pause while Sesshomaru waited expectantly for their help, and they waited just as expectantly for him to continue his explanation.

"Well," Sesshomaru sighed.

"Well what?" Kagome wondered.

"Well, have you seen me?"

Silence rang.

Inuyasha opened his mouth to speak.

"Ah..."

Miroku held up his hand to stop him.

For a long, long time there was an awkward silence.

Suddenly, Sesshomaru gasped, a light dawning in his eyes.

"There it is," Miroku said triumphantly as the lanky dog demon walked off, back towards his castle.

..:V:..

Rin was awoken from a deep and peaceful sleep by a furious tapping on her door. Groaning the new neko got to her feet and slunk to the door. She pushed it open and glared balefully at the person there.

"Hey, you kid," growled the cloaked figure with the gnarled stick. "By the way, I'm adding something to your curse!"

Rin blinked in incomprehension.

"Can you do that?" she wondered.

"Sure, I cursed ya, didn't I?" the cloaked figure demanded. "'Sides, my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday and I'm feeling bitter and I can't curse him since I know he'll come back to me because I know he really meant it when he said he loved me and cursing him would ruin our reunion so I've decided to double curse you. Enjoy!"

"That seems really unfair," Rin pointed out judiciously. Hot or not, she still had the moral code of an innocent eight year-old. "Fluffy-sama wouldn't like it if he knew you were being unfair."

"Yeah, well, bite me and your Fluffy can bite me too! Now you also have to conceive and give birth to a demon child. Enjoy!"

With that, the very bitter crone stomped off into the night.

A few seconds later, Sesshomaru slipped out of the shadows, a silver knife against the black velvet of night. He approached her slowly, with a determined look on his face. Rin, for a moment, couldn't move, she was held immobile by his beauty.

Sesshomaru came to her, like in a vision, he swept her into his arms. For a split second neither spoke, they merely stared into one another's love starved eyes.

"You're my true love," Rin said uneiciarily.

"I know," Sesshomaru nodded. "I figured that out myself... sort of."

"And now we are together, at long last," Rin whispered, her voice warm and dreamy.

"Yes," Sesshomaru agreed. "I figured that out myself."

"And now," Rin said breathlessly. She pressed herself against him, snuggling into the warmth and solidity of his chest. Feeling safe and cherished. "It is time, to consummate our love."

"Yes," Sesshomaru replied, just as breathlessly. He stared hungrily at her lips, longing making his golden eyes blaze.

"I love you, Fluffy-sama," she whispered, in a fragile voice.

Sesshomaru began to dip his head slowly forward, as if to kiss her.

Rin eagerly lifted her own face. Wanting to meet him halfway, since all good relationships work that way.

"I care for you Rin," Sesshomaru answered. His lashes lowered and his mouth descended even more. Their lips were a fraction of an inch apart.

"Oh, and there's this new thing," Rin added, halting momentarily.

Sesshomaru growled deep in his throat at the delay of their kiss.

"We're also supposed to conceive and give birth to a child."

"We are?" this time he was growling in just flat annoyance.

"Well I think I'm the one who's supposed to actually give birth," Rin added helpfully.

"Oh good," Sesshomaru moaned in genuine relief. "Because I really don't think my figure could handle a kid."

She was a little hurt by his sudden coldness, but she knew that since Sesshomaru was icy enough to make snow shiver, that she really shouldn't take it personally.

Sesshomaru gave Rin a thoughtful look.

"Well," Sesshomaru said with a faint smile. "Why don't we sleep together before we worry about the kid?"

Rin nodded.

Smiling tenderly, Sesshomaru led her to the bedroom.

..:V:..

–Fifteen minutes later–

"Some how this wasn't what I was expecting," Rin sighed to herself as Sesshomaru snored away, which he had been doing the moment he had hit the mattress (it was a Sealy). He rolled over, stealing all the covers. "For some reason I never took you for a cover thief."

Growling in frustration, she grabbed the floral sheet and tried to tug it away from him. To no avail.

"Mmmmmine!" he moaned sleepily and rolled onto his stomach. He was now so thoroughly wrapped up he looked like one of those little mini hot dog thingies wrapped in like... I dunno, Pillsbury dough stuff? You know? They serve that at parties or something like this. They're piggy in a blanket? Well Sesshomaru looked like one of those, except he was a Sesshy in a blanket.

Sighing tolerantly, Rin lay down without any sheets and grabbed Sesshomaru's hair. She covered herself with that and then feel asleep.

Tragically though, because Sesshomaru was so exhausted by all his searching, he actually slept for a week and nothing Rin did would wake him up. So alas, she became a human and an eight year-old again, losing her new neko hotness.

Sesshomaru was a little sad that Rin was a human again, but since it meant he didn't have to have a kid with her, he figured it balanced out. Frankly he just didn't have the energy to walk around and be followed by two kids.

As for the hideously decrepit old crone, well, she and Naraku got back together again after a night of hot passionate... tiddly winks. And have never been happier.

Everything resolved itself nicely and tidily as stories have a habit of doing, all except for one last thing, one unanswered question, one lingering doubt...

"THAT'S what consummate means?" Sesshomaru demanded in horror, staring at his Webster's Dictionary in revulsion. His eyes narrowed as he closed it. "I suppose that leaves only one last thing, one unanswered question, one lingering doubt" he looked up and called out. "Jaken, where do babies come from?"

There was no answer.

Jaken was still dead from the previous chapter of this fanfic. Sesshomaru had never actually gotten around to resurrecting him. Which really didn't bother most people.

* * *

A/N Hi, Spacewolf here, I'm sure many of you are wondering just what I was getting at with the whole deer and a block of salt thing. Bye now! 


	13. Sesshoumaru and Rin 3

A/N (Super Ceech) Whoa, was this a long time coming or what? (Forgive my hypocrisy) In any case, after much pushing, prodding, begging and bribing with TWO plushies (Sesshoumaru and Jaken), Calum and I finally managed to bully Spacey to write and finish this chapter. So I'll hand you over to her without further ado!

A/N (Spacewolf) This is by FAR the creepiest of all the Love is Blind chapters. It is also one of the creepiest possible pairings in the show. If anyone is sitting at home reading this and gets on their high and flaming horse because of the topic, I ask you to stop and reflect. We didn't want to skip over this pairing, or rather the way this pairing can develop because this is the worse one yet. We felt it was our duty to include it since our goal was to poke fun at screwy pairings and point out, why we don't think they work, or the bizarre lengths some people go to the try and make them work. If you're grossed out, join the club and don't read it.

* * *

When you live in total isolation from most of the world, funny things happen as the years go by. You develop strange, complex relationships; relationships the rest of the world can't understand. Relationships the world wants to judge. Parental roles blur with the years. Friendships grow into something all consuming. Little girls grow up into young women. You fall into a domestic pattern that becomes second nature and normal to you. You forget you're a demon, and she's a human. You suppress all memories of Jaken ever existing.

That's not weird so much as a life skill though.

Sesshomaru had become uncomfortably aware of the fact that ever since Rin had gotten her period, that he was growing steadily more attracted to her as she progressed through puberty.

Nothing like menstruating and mood swings to drive a man wild with desire.

Lately Sesshomaru had begun to wonder about himself. Begun to question whether or not he was a complete frickin' sicko who was attracted to younger women, or if his feelings for Rin had begun to evolve and it was only the sudden realization that someday the little girl he'd saved would become a grown woman that had rattled him from his hazy stupor to realize that he truly had become completely devoted to her and that she'd become his entire life.

Or maybe he just really need to get laid.

Whichever it was, Sesshomaru was starting to have unwholesome thoughts involving whipcream, hot fudge brownies and liquor, which were only periodically interrupted by visions of Rin laughing and picking flowers on pastel backgrounds.

He was having one such fantasy one spring morning one year. He was relaxed on a rock, staring with unseeing eyes at the clouds, enjoying a fevered fantasy. There a mountain of hot fudge brownies who's summit was made of whip cream. He was scaling this delicious obstacle with grim determination. Oh. He was also naked, and stunningly so. Unfortunately due to budget cut backs the scope of this fic only includes his upper half. Sorry ladies, I tried, but dammit, minimum wage just doesn't buy what it used to.

"Fluffy-sama!"

Seshomaru's reverie was interrupted by Rin.

"Are you alright?" she asked him. Her voice had changed – no longer was it high and innocent – it had deepened, become more mature. "You were looking kind of... weird."

Sesshomaru cleared his throat uncomfortably. Utterly glad inner thoughts happened on the inside.

"I'm fine, I'm just tired." Sesshomaru couldn't look at her. Not after having had such a torrid vision. The memory of all that chocolate made his knees weak.

He rose anyway and cleared his throat, uncomfortably aware of how close Rin was.

"Maybe you should have a nap," she commented, looking at him in concern.

"No, I'm fine," Sesshomaru told her indulgently, touched by her gentle concern. "What are you doing out and about at this hour? Don't you have some womanly task, like cooking, you should be doing?"

"Well," Rin hedged, looking aside. "It was such a nice day I didn't think there'd be any problems. And I figured I could pick flowers or something, and like Shippou might stop by a little later..."

Sesshomaru had been distracted by counting her zits. Each of them, a small, pussing badge of woman hood. His dreamy thoughts about Rin growing up were interrupted at the mention of Shippou.

"Shippou?" he demanded with a frown. "I don't like that boy."

It was true. The overly cute kitsune had grown into a demon sex-god to rival Sesshomaru and Inuyasha, and he was only ten! Sesshomaru always got the impression of a fox in a hen house when Shippou came over.

Pun _totally_ intended.

"You know, I don't like that... that boy," he frowned.

"I know but he's really nice to me," Rin protested. "And he's the best guy I've ever hung out with!"

"I don't ever want to hear the words 'best,' 'hung' and 'guy' in the same sentence ever again," Sesshomaru told her flatly.

Rin frowned, she apparently didn't understand what the problem was. Sesshomaru was again reminded of her innocence and again he wondered if there was something wrong with him.

He wondered if he was being over suspicious about her casual use of the word 'hung.' He was probably overreacting – Rin probably didn't even know what a noose was.

"Why not?" she asked him.

"Because I am Sesshomaru and I have decreed it thus," he informed her in a big boy voice.

"I hate you!" she screamed, her face flushing with rage. She stomped her foot. "I hate you! I wish you would DIE-but-first-take-me-to-the-mall-I-saw-a-pair-of-sandals-I-wanted-last-week!"

Sesshomaru leapt to his feet and said heatedly (which for him is yelling,) "I will not tolerate language like that young lady! Under my roof you'll do as you say-and-don't-spend-too-much-money!"

"Fine-It's-my-allowance-and-I'm-saving-half-of-it-for-my-dowery-like-you-told-me!" She shrilled back.

"Fine-what-time-are-you-going-to-need-a-ride-back?" he responded.

"I'm-not-sure-I'll-call-you-when-I-need-a-ride!"

"Do-you-need-a-twenty-or-something?"

"No!"

In a huffy silence, they got on Sesshomaru's flying cloud and zoomed over the land to the mall. Rin was sulking like a teenager does, Sesshomaru was wondering if there was something wrong with him because he'd actually enjoyed getting into a yelling match with Rin.

When they arrived at the mall, Rin skipped away, immediately recognizing a friend and they disappeared into the mall.

Sesshomaru spied a familiar face by a wagon. His eyes narrowed and he marched over.

"Naraku!" he hissed.

The startled demon turned around, his eyes going wide at the sight of Lord of the Western lands.

"Naraku," Sesshomaru repeated, then came to a stop. "You're a mother, I need some advice!"

"Well you've come to the right place," Naraku told him smugly. "I've got four!"

"Four?" Sesshomaru frowned. "Really?"

"Yup," Naraku said proudly. "Kagura, Kanna..." he frowned. "Ugh, Boy-Kanna and Kohaku."

"I tried to kill one a while back, didn't I?" Sesshy asked. He briefly thought about cocking an eyebrow, but that sounded too much like work, so he declined. But it was implied in his voice.

"Yeah."

"Sorry." He didn't actually mean it, but it seemed like a good idea to apologize to the parent of the child he'd tried to kill.

"Oh, don't worry about it. He's adopted," Naraku nodded. He gave a short but pleasant laugh. "Well actually he's kidnaped, but same deal." His expression turned to one of dreamy reminiscing. "Ah, that was quite a weekend!"

–Meanwhile, up in heaven–

"That BASTARD!" shrieked Kageromaru indignantly. "He forgot all about us!"

Juromaru glared at the world below and shook his fist with a feral hiss.

"Can you believe that?" Kageromaru shrieked. "Can you?"

"What can I say, kid?" asked a very disinterested Saint Peter, who was more concerned with his edition of the Heavenly Bugle. "It's a cruel world."

"Are you going to let us in or not?" Kageromaru sulked.

"No," Saint Peter answered without glancing at them.

"Why the HELL not?" Kageromaru demanded.

Juromaru poked his little scorpion... baby? Brother? Alter-ego? And hissed in a low tone.

"Oh right," Kageromarou deflated, with a sigh. "The sins."

–Speaking of sins...–

Sesshomaru was leaning pinup style against Naraku's wagon, talking shop with him, his kimono beginning to slip open.

"... and I can't help but wonder about myself," Sesshomaru confessed to his arch-foe. Well, one of them!

"That's perfectly normal," Naraku assured him, putting a hand on Sesshomaru's shoulder.

"It used to feel so right, but now, I question myself daily," Sesshy continued. "It was so much easier a few years ago."

"You've evolved as a person," Naraku said soothingly. "There's nothing wrong with that. I know what used to fit feels funny now, but I assure you, things work for a reason, and what you're feeling now is just anxiety. It's a fear of growing old before your time."

"So you think I should stick with my usual colour of eyeshadow?" Sesshomaru asked.

"Totally," Naraku nodded. "Is that all you wanted to talk about?"

"Pretty much," Sesshomaru nodded. Then he remembered. "Oh wait. There's this weird Rin thing going on..."

"Who's Rin?" Naraku asked.

"This kid I picked up a few years ago, I think she had a thing for Kohaku, but after years of isolation and separation I've broken her of _that_ habit."

"Isolation and separation, hm?" Naraku wondered, an evil glint in his eyes. "There's a thought. I just killed all of Kagura's crushes."

He thought about ti before snapping back to himself.

"So what's the problem exactly?"

"Well, I'm the problem," Sesshomaru answered. "My feelings for Rin have...changed. You see, she's a teenager..."

"You want to kill her, don't you?" Naraku guessed. "Yeah, that'll pass. Either you'll kill her or get over it."

"No, I find myself..." Sesshomaru looked aside. "Becoming more and more attracted to her."

Naraku blinked.

"That's it?"

Sesshomaru nodded.

Naraku laughed.

"How old are you?" he demanded.

"I am precisely 1458 years, 7 months, 2 weeks, 5 days and twenty three hours old, (not counting leap years or temporal distortions)," Sesshomaru answered proudly.

"Then you're past the creepy mark," Naraku told him. "You see there comes a time in every demon, vampire and twinkie's life when they are so fugging old, it just doesn't matter anymore. It's ridiculous to evaluate them by the shortsighted measures of a society's who's life span is less then a hundred years on average. Past this certain mark, age is officially so incomprehensible to human perceptions that it becomes just a number."

"And I've hit said mark?" Sesshomaru asked curiously.

"Oh yeah," Naraku nodded. "You hit it 1228 years, 7 months, 2 weeks, 5 days and twenty three hours (not counting leap years or temporal distortions) ago."

"What about the fact that I sort of met her when she was a child and sort of actually was... her, I guess, guardian."

"Well," Naraku said thoughtfully. "Did you ever take advantage of her childlike trust? Did you raise her to become a mistress for you or anyone else?"

"How do you raise a mistress?" Sesshomaru wondered.

Naraku's eyes suddenly became shifty. He adjusted his collar.

"I... ah... I wouldn't know..." he answered. "I mean it's not like I can't get dates the normal way..."

"Well, I haven't," Sesshomaru admitted. "As a matter of fact I've been a fairly distant and intimidating figure in her life. I think for the last few years I've really been more of a concept, and I've never actually been all that affectionate."

Naraku shrugged.

"It sounds like a classical case of role identity slipping into confusing grey area and as you attempt to redefine and reclaim your life. You're afraid to establish new roles, even as your emotions tell you that your existing roles no longer fit."

"So what should I do?" Sesshomaru asked.

Naraku sighed heavily and looked thoughtfully.

"You have to decide for yourself if you'd be acting on fully matured feelings, half baked concepts of your own morality and immortality or on baser emotions."

Sesshomaru nodded.

"You've given me much to think of," Sesshomaru decided solemnly. "I shall go dwell on these musing. Is there anything I can do for you in return?"

"Not unless you have Kikyo tied up somewhere," Naraku laughed. "You don't do you?" he suddenly pressed. "Because that would really swell!"

"No, I don't," Sesshomaru admitted.

Naraku sighed heavily.

"Foiled again," he lamented. "The heart of Onigumo still beats within my chest I suppose. Or I just need to get laid."

Sesshomaru bid Naraku farewell. Going home to muse on what he'd learned. As Sesshomaru walked away, Kanna approached her moth..._father._

"I have made purchases of skimpy underwear and cheap smelling perfume," she informed him. "You may take me home."

"Wonderful," Naraku told her. "I wonder where Kikyo is..."

In Sesshomaru's bathroom

The Lord of the Western lands sat on the rim of his bath, trailing his hand in the steaming water for a few minutes, lost in thought as he mused his... musings.

After some time, he straightened up and slowly began to disrobe, sliding the silk away from his wide shoulders, baring his strong chest and...

_The following scene is incredibly sexy, involving Sesshomaru, soaking wet, water beading on his lashes and his of course dreamy god-like body. However due to the fugging cut backs we could not include it. Just be assured it is incredibly sexy and if you'd seen even a glimpse of it you would be fanning yourself and panting._

_Back to the story!_

Sesshomaru sat down, a towel wrapped around his waist combing his hair with his

fingers thoughtfully.

"I'll do it," he decided, "I'll seduce Rin!"

–Naraku's lair–

"By the way, Kanna," He said to the solemn young woman who was standing in a corner holding a mirror for absolutely no reason whatsoever, like she always did. "How old is your friend Rin? Eighteen? Nineteen?"

"Thirteen."

Naraku's face grew ashen and his eyes became huge with the enormity of the horror of what he'd done.

"Call CAS!"

–Somewhere outside Sessy's home.–

Sesshomaru found Rin outside, playing in the long grass as she always had as a child. A childhood deprived of toys and contact with people had sort of forced her to make her own fun and commune with nature. Or else she was just easily amused.

Sesshomaru watched her for a long time.

The way her hair flew carelessly in the wind. The way her large brown eyes danced with the simple pleasure of feeling cool wet grass on her bare-feet. The lilt of her giggles musical as chimes.

As she frolicked, her kimono's hem rose, revealing unseemly amounts of leg. Sesshomaru felt his composure begin to slip, his hands trembled and... _Well this is getting creepy. Let's just fast forward, shall we? _

Sesshomaru called to Rin and, obediently, she came to him.

"What is it Fluffy-sama?" she asked, breathless from her frolicking.

Sesshomaru had to take a moment to decide how best to go about it. After a long moment he nodded to himself and finally spoke, deciding to be blunt.

"Rin," he began, then he chickened out and said in a rush. "Isthatamirrorinyourpocket?CauseIcanseemyselfinyourpants!"

He waited to see if Rin could resist the sheer awesome sexiness of this line. Rin blinked at him, and then her face broke out in a wide grin.

Sesshomaru heaved a silent sigh of relief.

"Oh, Fluffy-sama!" she laughed cheerfully. "You're so silly! I don't have a pocket!"

With that she skipped off to her game singing, "tra, la la, tra lee!"

"Damn!" Sesshomaru swore. "Thwarted by that very innocence which ... Aw screw it! I'm not monologue-ing!"

With that he traipsed back into the house and collapsed in a chair.

He contemplated his options. He was thoroughly depressed and beaten. He decided, to cheer himself up, to go have a wet tee shirt contest with himself.

_And we don't actually get to see the wet tee shirt contest due to those cut backs... Okay, confession time. The cut backs aren't the whole problem. I blew most of the budget on a gratuitous nude scene at the end._

"I win again! Whee!" Sesshomaru cheered after the wet tee shirt contest was over. "Now to go back and seduce Rin. I'll give her flowers – women like flowers."

Instead of going to the local flower girl and buying overpriced crap, Sesshomaru decided to save money and pick the flowers himself, making sure that Rin would get a bouquet of the wild flowers that she loved so much.

He spent hours slaving over fields, picking up delicate wee flowers with an intoxicating fragrance. Finally, a bouquet in hand, he marched up to Rin and presented them to her.

"Poor voo!" he told her.

"Oh Fluffy-sama!" Rin squealed. She threw herself at him and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him shamelessly on the cheek.

Sesshomaru was at first, rigid, then he relaxed into her happy embrace.

"I'm glad you like them," he said a little nervously.

"I love dandelions!" she assured him, grabbing the bouquet from him and rocking back onto her heels. She took one of the yellow flowers from the rest and held it in one hand. "Mama had a baby and her head popped off!" she said cheerfully, snapping her thumb up under the flower's head and deftly beheading the weed.

Sesshomaru was startled.

Rin only laughed and laughed.

"Wanna play?" she asked him, offering him one.

"No," he answered rigidly. He began to nervously edge away from Rin and her game. He decided to make a hasty exit.

He ran to his room. Once alone there, he raked his brain, he raked his yard and then he raked his nails down a chalk board just for kicks.

"There is only one thing to do," he decided. "Only one possible thing, one act that will express my new feelings, and ensure Rin will be mine. There's only one thing I can do, a gratuitous nude scene!"

YES!

Sesshomaru jumped uneasily, eyes darting back and fourth. "It's as if I've felt a thousand voices in the force, calling out in exaltation, before silencing themselves with anticipation," he murmured. "...Meh."

He continued to plan.

"One sight of my glorious nakedness will render her completely unable to resist me," he schemed. "Unfortunately, if she asks me to stop before the procedure is over all will be for not. I must, _must_ make sure she is in no condition to either run or throw something at me!"

His plans made, all he could do was bide his time, until the perfect opportunity arose for him.

The perfect opportunity came at bedtime. Rin had changed into her super kawaii PJs and done her hair up in pigtails, just to make herself look cuter.

She was snuggling beneath her covers when Sesshomaru suddenly appeared in the doorway.

"Rin," he said, coming forward. "Rin, we've known each other a long time."

"Sure have, Fluffy-sama!" she agreed cheerfully. Not in the least concerned about him appearing in her room.

"Sometimes, when people know each other for a long time, they begin to develop feelings for one another that previously seemed impossible. Do you understand?"

"Not at all," she told him brightly.

"You've penetrated my very psyche, Rin," he told her, coming forward. "For years my father's abandonment of me and my mother has warped my perception of love and humans. Saving your life was only my own confused inner child, reaching out to reclaim the innocence which abandonment had ripped from it."

Sesshomaru continued to spout more random psycho-babble as he crept further and further into the room. As he droned on and on about nothing in particular, Rin's eyes began to grow cloudy and unfocused with boredom. She stayed awake for his sake, but she was becoming more and more dazed.

When Sesshomaru knew that he'd numbed her mind too far for her to be able to protest, and he'd cut her reaction time in half, he knew it was time.

"And now, Rin," he said, grabbing his kimono. "As I have bared my soul, allow me to bare my stunning, god-like body..."

Naraku's grey tentacles smashed through the wall and, roiling with demon appendages, the familiar baboon pelt–clad demon surged in.

"Excuse me," Naraku barked, gathering Rin up with wildly gnarled and many jointed arms. He glared at Sesshomaru as he protectively bundled Rin up. "I'm the new Mommy!"

Then he was gone, bundling Rin back to his castle where she'd be safe with Kagura, Kohaku, Kanna and... Boy-Kanna.

Sesshomaru was so distraught he actually went back to the woods where Jaken had been killed several ficlets ago, reconstructed him and resurrected him.

Jaken's first act upon discovering he was once again alive and whole was to console Sesshomaru the only way he knew how.

With hardcore nudity!

**What? You blew, the ENTIRE budget for a gratuitous JAKEN nude sequence?**

_... You know, in my defense... GLITTER!

* * *

_

A/N (Super Ceech) Well, there goes Spacey... And she probably won't be back for a while due to those murderous and grossed-out glares you're all sending after her. In any case, I'm up for writing the next chapter, and we'll be continuing normally with the sequence of the writing for the next little bit. Catch ya later!


	14. Sango and Sesshoumaru

A/N (Super Ceech) Heya, everybody! Wow, what a fast update! Look at me go! Enjoy the wonders of Sesshoumaru/Sango!

* * *

"WIND SCAR!" Inuyasha shouted as he brought down his transformed Tetsusaiga and felt it slice through the air, creating a massive energy blast aimed at the enemy. In this case, the enemy was an enormous hawk demon and the battle would have already been over, Inuyasha lamented in irritated tones, if the frickin' thing would stop flying out of the way of his Wind Scar. As it was in the process of doing now.

"Dammit!" Inuyasha cursed as the demon flew easily and tauntingly out of the way.

"I've got him, Inuyasha!" Sango cried as she wound up to chuck her giant boomerang. "HIRAIKOTSU!" Sango watched proudly as her boomerang seemed to be right on the mark. "Yeah! Take that, you overgrown bird!" Just as a smug expression was stealing itself across her face, the hawk demon drew back a talon and effectively kicked the boomerang aside; it flew wildly away and flew out of sight, into a distant forest.

As Sango stood gaping at her lost weapon, she was taken off guard by the demon who decided to take advantage of her distraction. As it swooped down at her, she turned wide eyes to it, knowing there was no escape...

"Sango!" She felt a hard jolt in her side and suddenly she was being thrown aside, out of the demon's path, with a heavy weight on top of her. When the motion had stopped, she blinked up in surprise into Miroku's concerned eyes.

Some may have seen the concern and been touched – he had been worried about her, he had put his own life at risk to rescue her, he did it because he loved her... But all Sango saw was that his concern was just another way of saying that he pitied her, that he thought she couldn't take care of herself, that he looked at her as nothing more than a pitiful annoying creature that always needed to be saved.

And then...and THEN he GROPED her. Right there, right then! As Sango felt his hand's caress on her bottom, she _seethed_. Not only did he think she was useless and something to be pitied, but he also regarded her as some sort of sex object – something he could just play with any time he wanted, with no repercussions. And when she _did_ give him repercussions, he just took them – as if her strength meant nothing at all – and ignored them in order to grope her again another time!

Sango shoved the sex-driven, hormonal, dastardly devious, perverted and insensitive jerk-wad off of her in time to see Kagome shoot an arrow at the demon that invariably missed. "She's so useless..." Sango muttered. "And so is that pointless little fox retard..."

As Sango stood up, dusting Miroku cooties off of herself, Inuyasha made a mighty leap and finally managed to slice the hawk demon in two. Sango gaped and shouted, "Th-that was _my_ kill! How _dare _he!"

The others looked over at her strangely. "Gee, calm down, Sango," Inuyasha said gently. "We're all in this together. Besides, this little bugger wasn't even worth your time."

"Oh, but I suppose it was somehow worth the Great Inuyasha's time?" Sango retorted and scoffed. "Oh, please! Don't you dare try to humour me! I see this for exactly what it is! You think I can't do anything on my own, you think you're better than me and that I'd be dead fifty times over if you weren't here to do my job for me!"

"Whoa, Sango, chill," Inuyasha cut in, holding up a hand in a placating gesture. "We don't mean any of that. You're a valued member of the team. You kill many of the demons we come across and you save us a hell of a lot more than we save you. We highly respect you."

Sango still looked furious, but she looked a bit panicked at the same time, as if she were grasping for an argument that was quickly slipping through her fingers. "Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you...! That you think that I...! That we–and–but–I NEED TO GO LOOK FOR HIRAIKOTSU NOW! DON'T EVEN THINK OF FOLLOWING ME!"

With that, she stomped off angrily in the direction in the woods that they'd seen her weapon fall into, Kirara trailing after her. The others watched them go with slightly frightened expressions.

"Wouldn't dream of it..." Miroku spoke up shakily.

..:V:..

"Where did that blasted thing get to...?" Sango muttered to herself in frustration. She had sworn she had covered the entire woods and yet there had been no sign of her beloved boomerang. She simply _had_ to find it. Not for any particular sentimental reason, but there's was a nice little secret compartment in one of its tips where she liked to keep her _special_ herbs...uh, for poison. Yeah, for poison. –cough–

"I can't lose this batch..." she murmured, disconcerted. "Kikyo gave me the package deal for such a good price, and this bit is the last I've got..."

Sango flopped dejectedly on a random boulder, Kirara small and coiled in her lap. "I'm so forlorn," she sighed forlornly. "Nobody in the group seems to appreciate me and now I've gone and lost my favourite weapon and special herbs... Life sucks. Every unfortunate event is like a dagger in my heart. I wish I could feel nothing at all...!"

"Did someone say something about feeling nothing at all?" a monotone voice broke through her reverie. Starting, Sango spun around and stood up to come face to face with...

"Sesshoumaru? What are you doing her–my Hiraikotsu!" For yes, Hiraikotsu was in Sesshoumaru's possession. In fact, it was tightly lodged in the depths of his fluffy.

"Oh, is this yours?" Sesshoumaru questioned, raising a finely shaped eyebrow and the intruding object. "It came out of the sky and got stuck in my fluffy and I've been too lazy to pry it out."

"Hiraikotsu!" Sango shouted as if finding her lost puppy. She rushed over to the tall dog demon and quickly prised it out of the fluff, which just bounced up and filled the space as if nothing had ever been there. After cradling her boomerang for several minutes while Sesshoumaru looked on disinterestedly, Sango finally looked up and around. "Hey, where's Jaken and that little girl that follows you around?"

"I told them to count the number of grass blades in some meadow a ways back..." Sesshoumaru responded.

"Why?"

Sesshoumaru gave a slight shrug. "Seemed like a good idea at the time. And I ran out of rocks to throw at Jaken."

"Ah..." Sango trailed off. After a moment of awkward silence, she blurted, "Hey, you said something about me saying something about feeling nothing at all?"

Sesshoumaru brought up a hand and stroked his fluffy – Sango assumed it was the equivalent of anyone else stroking their chin. "Yes...I myself have ridded myself of most emotions. Life's much easier that way."

Sango looked at him eagerly. "Oh, you simply _must_ teach me!"

Sesshoumaru shot her an irritated look. "That right there was _way_ too much enthusiasm. Get out of my sight."

Sango coughed and schooled her expression into the most nonchalant one she could muster. "No...please give me another chance..." she said flatly.

Sesshoumaru regarded her once more. "Perhaps... You wish to know the secret art of ridding yourself of feelings then?"

Sango tried hard not to nod her head too eagerly.

"Fine then..." Sesshoumaru sniffed. "All you must do is gather all your emotions, pack them in a tight little ball and then shove it down into the pit of your stomach. If this causes discomfort, shove it down Jaken's stomach instead. Through physical force, if need be."

Sango's face lit up as realization came to her. "You minimize your emotions as much as possible and then take out any that remain on Jaken! That's brilliant! So now I just need a creature to take out _my_ emotions on..." Sango glanced around and then her eyes lit evilly upon Kirara, who shrank back slightly in fear.

"No, no, not the cat demon – too strong and too much of a challenge when she's transformed. I recommend Jaken. He is slovenly and pathetic and, like a punching bag, keeps swinging back for more," Sesshoumaru said. "I suppose I would be willing to share. Even if it is with a mere _human_."

"Isn't that little girl who follows you around human?" Sango inquired.

Sesshoumaru's eyes grew shifty. "Quiet you... I gave you no leave to speak. You should be attempting to suppress your emotions."

"Oh, right!" Sango responded, quickly engrossing herself in the task.

"Oh...and never forget that severe laziness lends wonders to the cause," Sesshoumaru added.

"Gotcha," Sango acknowledged, sitting back down on her boulder.

After nearly two hours of Sango concentrating hard, and Sesshoumaru staring despondently at her, Sango finally stood once more and faced him.

"Alright, Sesshoumaru," she said in a flat, emotionless tone. "I think I've got it."

"It appears so," the silver-haired man responded, though he couldn't help but feel something was off.

"Do you know what though?" Sango asked in a monotone voice. "I think that through this experience, I've been able to suppress all emotions but one. You've taught me so much, and now I feel...I feel that I love you." Not once did her voice stray from the decibel level she started at.

Finally, Sesshoumaru was able to pinpoint what seemed so unnerving about the girl. Ignoring everything she had just said, in fact it was a mystery if he had heard any of it at all, he gave her a look that plainly showed he was disturbed. "Gah...you're _way_ too much like that should-be-illegal Kikyo woman now... I think I would like to depart from your presence now," he said in a clipped tone.

With that, Sesshoumaru promptly ran away – well, walked away at a stately pace. He was doing a fine job at looking supremely aloof – that is, until he suddenly tripped on his shoelaces and stumbled a few steps. After he had quickly straightened himself and pretended like nothing had happened, he glanced down at his feet...only to freeze and gape at them.

"M-m-m-my shoelaces! They're...they're undone! I...I can get laid now! Th-this is incredible!" Ecstatic and forgetting all about schooling his emotions, Sesshoumaru looked around eagerly for someone to make his dream come true.

Sango was the only woman in sight – still gaping at him in astonishment. All reservations about her similarity to Kikyo forgotten, Sesshoumaru bounded over to her. "You are my new love! Come with me, and we shall consummate our...our...! Why does there need to be an occasion to consummate? There doesn't! I am Sesshoumaru and I have decreed it thus! Now come!"

Sango gave him a wry look. "Aren't you supposed to be emotionless?"

Before Sesshoumaru had the chance to respond, Jaken came bounding towards them. "Master Sesshoumaru! Master Sesshoumaru! I have completed the task – there is exactly two million, five hundred and thirty-six thousand, nine hundred and seve–" With two swift swings, Sesshoumaru and Sango had both pounded Jaken into oblivion.

Sesshoumaru stood up straight and adjusted the collar folds of his kimono slightly. "Ah...that's better," he said in a once more flat voice.

Sango rolled her shoulders and cracked her neck to both sides. "Wow...letting out your emotions on Jaken really _does_ work. I feel loads less emotional. I'll gladly go with you now."

"Then let us go. Let us go like no one has ever gone before," Sesshoumaru said.

And so, together, the two new love birds happily – er, slightly contentedly – skipped merrily – well, walked at a steady pace – into the beautiful, breath-taking sunset – uh, it was alright...kinda generic, really. Sesshoumaru just needed to resolve one last little, niggling matter...

"What's your name anyway...?"

* * *

A/N (Super Ceech) Catch ya next time – look for the next update next weekend! 


	15. Kouga and Sango

A/N (Calum the Angel) Anyone wonder why a demon slayer would hook up with a demon? Or perhaps why a demon that has a tendency to disrespect a human's right to live would hook up with a human? Well, that's what I want to know. Anyone know? C'mon, I know you're holding out on me. Somebody tell me! I really need to know here! Oh well. Just read on, and contemplate with me the conundrum that is Kouga/Sango.

* * *

"_Hiraikotsu!_"

Sango sensed a movement in the bushes and let fly with her giant boomerang. The trunks of trees were splintered as the weapon cut through the forest. The shadow of whatever Sango had spotted leapt out from the trees, clear from the path of the Hiraikotsu, and landed behind her.

Hiraikotsu came back and Sango whirled around, prepared to strike again, but stopped just in time to see that it was not an enemy she was pursuing.

"Kouga!" she exclaimed.

"Watch where you're aiming that thing!" Kouga snapped.

"I'm sorry," Sango apologized tersely, not sounding in the least apologetic. "I didn't realize it was you."

"Where's Kagome?" Kouga demanded. "Is she in danger?"

"She's with Inuyasha," Sango replied. Her words came out a little more harshly than she would have liked them to. Ever since she had first laid eyes upon the wolf demon slaughtering a helpless village, she had been very attracted to him. All the blood of the villagers around at the time must have gotten to her head. Or perhaps it was just the fact that he was so incredibly sexy. Whatever the reason, Sango always felt a pang of jealousy when Kouga went on about Kagome. Kagome this, Kagome that! The little pipsqueak could hardly even fight!

She knew, however, that mentioning the fact that Kagome was being stoutly protected by Inuyasha would set Kouga off into a jealous rage. Perhaps she could find some way to...comfort him.

"Feh," Kouga muttered. "I'll take that as a yes, then, she is in danger. That stinking pup couldn't protect his way out of a paper bag! He is by far the worst protector I have ever seen! I defy his protecting skills! His protectivitiness is by far inferior to my own! And therefore, I must go seek out Kagome and show her some REAL protecting!"

"Kouga, watch out!" Sango cried. She let fly with the Hiraikotsu over his head, slicing in two an airborne demon that would have been about to come down on his head.

"What the—!" Kouga exclaimed.

"While you were busy with your speech, you were very nearly killed by that demon!" Sango chided. "You really ought to be more careful! If you start going on and on about things that don't matter, kind of like I am now, you won't be aware of the dangers that are going on around you! A demon could come right up behind you and kill you, and you'd never know what hit you!"

"Sango, watch out!" Kouga shouted. In a motion faster than the naked eye could catch, he leapt above Sango with a swift kick and smashed in the skull of a demon that would have been about to come down on her head.

"Wow, Kouga, you saved my life!" Sango exclaimed.

"And you, mine!" Kouga said, striking a manly pose.

Sango swooned. "Oh, Kouga!"

Kouga grasped the slayer's hands in his own and gazed deeply into her eyes. "Oh, Sango...! I do believe I'm in love with you!"

"Really? That's wonderful!" Sango exclaimed. "Because I've loved you ever since I first met you. My heart went all a-flutter when I saw that long, silky hair, those striking blue eyes, those sexy, hairy legs! And you're such a brave, domineering man, and a responsible leader of your wolf pack!"

Kouga blinked. "I think you're hot."

They locked lips in a passionate kiss.

It was just at that moment that the others came into the clearing, the demon threat having subsided.

"Hey, Sango, I— GAH!"

Inuyasha stopped dead at the edge of the clearing. Kagome and Miroku peeked over his shoulders to see what the problem was, and wished they hadn't.

"Inuyasha," Miroku said slowly. "Did Sesshoumaru say that a man could have two identity crises? Because I think I feel another one coming on."

After the others had determined that Kouga and Sango were far too gone to save, they had left them in their clearing to suck face. After several hours of that, Kouga slung Sango over his shoulder and sprinted back up the mountain towards the den.

About half-way up a mountain pass, Kouga stopped and perked his ears to the wind.

"What is it?" Sango asked.

"Look up there," Kouga ordered. Sango complied, and discovered what it was that had caught his attention.

"Those are the Birds of Paradise!" Sango exclaimed.

The large, bulbous birds with demon torsos growing out of their backs appeared in a flock high in the sky, apparently coming towards them with great speed. The wide grins on the birds' beaks seemed to taunt them.

Kouga let Sango down from his shoulder.

"Don't worry, my precious Sango!" Kouga announced heroically. "I, Kouga, shall smite the Birds of Paradise with my uber smitey powers! Watch as I smite them! I shall smite them good! Never have you seen or will you ever see smiting powers such as mine!"

"Please, Kouga!" Sango pleaded, grabbing Kouga's arm. "Don't go, it's far too dangerous!"

"For me? Never!" Kouga scoffed. "You stay here, woman, while I go smite these beasts."

"Please, allow me the pleasure," Sango proposed, taking a hold of the hilt of her katana (the Hiraikotsu had been forgotten back in the clearing.) "You stay here while I go smite the demons."

"Stay here while YOU go smite the demons?" Kouga said incredulously. "A woman protecting me? B-but that's not right! I'm the one who should be protecting you!"

"Nonsense!" Sango argued. "I'm more than capable of smiting the demons. I wouldn't want you to get hurt, my precious Kouga! And besides, we don't want to risk the jewel shards in your sexy legs! If the Birds of Paradise got a hold of them, who knows what zany antics could ensue?"

"I would never be so careless as to allow the Birds of Paradise to take my jewel shards!" Kouga spat. "YOU stay here, out of sight, while I go smite the demons with my awesome demon-smiting powers."

"Are you forgetting? I was one of the very best demon slayers from my village," Sango crowed. "And as one of the best demon slayers, it should be my job to slay demons, or even smite them, should the situation arise. YOU stay here while I go expertly smite the demons with my mad demon-slaying skillz."

"Why must you be so difficult!"

"Stop being so stubborn!"

"Stop thinking you can protect me better than I can protect you!"

"Who do you think you are!"

One of the Birds of Paradise stood on the mountain path before them, staring at the bickering couple. The bird stared, puzzled, while the demon torso scratched his head nervously.

"Well, this is awkward..." he mumbled.

Kouga and Sango continued yelling at each other.

"Um, excuse me!" the demon called. His call was not heard over the shouting of the other two. "Uh, look! Maybe I should come back another time!"

He did not receive a response, so he pulled out his date book and began flipping through the pages.

"Okay, I've got the twenty-seventh open," he said thoughtfully amongst the animosity down on the ground, studying the small book in his hand. "The twenty-eighth... Well, it may not be so great... My bird's got a dental appointment that morning, and I don't know when we'll get back... I think the first of the month will be good for me. Any of those dates sound reasonable?"

"THAT'S A HORRIBLE COLOUR OF EYESHADOW!"

"OH YEAH! WELL I DON'T THINK HAIRY LEGS ARE SEXY AT ALL!"

The demon sighed. "I'll come back another time, and we'll talk about it, okay?" He still was unable to elicit a response out of the two, so he shrugged and flew away.

"YOUR CAT'S BREATH SMELLS LIKE ROTTING FISH!"

"YOUR WOLVES SMELL LIKE TOENAILS!"

"THAT'S IT! YOU CAN INSULT ME, BUT THAT'S A LOW BLOW WHEN YOU START INSULTING MY PACK!"

"YOUR PACK CAN BITE ME! I'M LEAVING!"

"YEAH? WELL MAYBE I WILL SEND MY PACK TO BITE YOU! HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT, EH!"

"KIRARA CAN KICK YOUR WOLVES ASSES ANY DAY!"

"OH YEAH!"

"YEAH!"

"WELL, WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"


	16. Kindergarten Couples!

A/N (Super Ceech) Err...this is Spacey's chapter, but she made no A/N...so I guess I'll take the opportunity to say...enjoy!

* * *

Sesshomaru, Lord of the Western lands, was lounging against a rock one fine sunny day. Rin was playfully ripping everything that even vaguely resembled a flower out of the ground within a 42.67 mile radius.

As she did every morning.

Jaken stood at Sesshomaru side, because even as gross as the toad/imp/gross green thing was he had his uses. For example, when the controller was no where to be found, Jaken could be thrown at the TV, saving Sesshomaru the trouble of having to kick the television.

"Jaken," Sesshomaru declared in a lazy, but commanding voice. "Let's face it, Rin's not getting any younger and she still hasn't managed to get her claws into a man yet! Why when I was her age, I'd gotten my claws into plenty of men. But that's a story for another day. I want to see Rin settled down, and with children."

"Master Sesshomaru, she's only eight!" Jaken objected.

"Exactly my point," Sesshomaru argued. "Why, she could enter the first stages of puberty at any time! Besides, I'd like to see her married before I die."

Jaken stared in alarm at the ivory beauty that was his love and lord.

"You're not sick, are you?" he gasped in horror.

"No, no," Sesshomaru replied. "I've got eons to go. I just want to see Rin married."

Jaken thought and then said with a sage nod. "Ah, Desperate Housewives has been moved to a different night hasn't it?"

Sesshomaru grumbled something that might have been an affirmative.

"Alright, my lord!" Jaken declared happily. "I shall go forth and find someone for Rin to marry!"

"Find several," Sesshomaru suggested. "You know how I kill people."

Jaken nodded and went forth to find some possible mates for Rin. Along his way, he found Shippou who was being beaten to a bloody pulp by Inuyasha for asking if the size of the Tetsusaiga was for mildly comedic purposes.

"There's a boy!" Jaken said, stopping to examine the motionless bloody mess. He noticed the bow. "Well, I think it's a boy!"

He then proceeded to check that Shippou was boy. WITHOUT nudity because Shippou is a child and that would be wrong, and we already addressed this issue that this author wants us all to love ourselves and our bodies and no one will ever be taken advantage of in any fic that I author or co-author. So... yeah, Jaken confirmed Shippou was a boy with his amazing imp/toad/garden gnome powers.

He picked up Shippou and shoved him into a burlap sack, swung him over his shoulder and continued on his way.

Jaken then stumbled across Kohaku, who was mincing about in his tight demon slayer outfit with blank eyes, doing Naraku's evil bidding of the day. This evil bidding involved serenading Kikyo with a singing telegram of I Can be Your Hero.

Kikyo's eyes were as glazed as Kohaku's, but that didn't have anything to do with evil spells or jewel shards. She just always looked vaguely stoned. She held a sickeningly cute teddy bear in one hand, skimpy underwear in the other and, and flowers in the other.

"Are you a boy?" Jaken asked Kohaku.

Kohaku couldn't remember.

Jaken used his amazing gender detecting but non-sexually-threatening abilities to confirm that despite the hair and the ensemble he was in fact a boy. Jaken pulled out the Staff of Two Heads and began to beat Kohaku about his head with it.

As Kohaku slumped into unconsciousness, Kikyo just watched with that too wide stare of someone wearing multiple morphine patches. Kohaku was then shoved into the burlap sack and Jaken continued on his way.

Jaken couldn't find any other young men in Feudal japan because they were all at summer camp, so he had to hop in the nearest well to five hundred years in the future. He found Souta tormenting a cat.

"Wow! You came through the well!" Souta exclaimed in excitement. "Like my sister! And Inuyasha! Do you know Inuyasha?"

Jaken drew himself up with a haughty sniff.

"I am Jaken, vassal to Lord Sesshomaru!"

"Inuyasha's brother?" Souta cried out happily. "That's awesome! Can you take me back to feudal Japan to meet real demons?"

"Do you want to marry Lord Sesshomaru's..." Jaken had to pause. Rin's exact role had never really been explained to him. Or to anyone else for that matter. Was she like a daughter? A penance for sins? A reminder? An experiment he was too lazy to run off? A pint-sized stalker?

Jaken decided it wasn't important. "Do you want to marry Lord Sesshomaru's Rin?"

"If I can meet demons, sure!" Souta exclaimed. He then laughed. "Hey! To meet demons and fight like Inuyasha, I'd marry Naraku!"

With a delighted squeal Naraku ran over.

"Really?" he asked, happily. "Oh you've made me the happiest girl in the whole wide wor... oh." His shoulders slumped. "You're underage."

Naraku heaved a huge sigh and shuffled off to his lonely dark corner of brooding and solitude.

"So you'll marry Rin?" Jaken asked, pretending that whole Naraku thing hadn't actually happened.

"Yeah okay!" Souta declared, striking a bold pose. "Every hero needs a woman!"

"Alright," Jaken nodded. "Just let me hit you on the head and put you in the sack and we can be on our way..."

"Hit me on the head?" Souta demanded. "Why?"

"To put you in the sack," Jaken explained, holding it out for inspection.

"But I want to come!" Souta objected. "That's not really necessary, is it?"

Jaken thought about it.

"Naw, I guess not," he agreed, his shoulders slumping. "You're right, we can walk."

He couldn't hide his disappointment.

"Oh fine!" Souta sighed. "You can knock me unconscious!"

"Really?" Jaken asked. "Man, you're a pal!"

He then hit Souta on the head and stuffed him in the sack with the other two. Jaken then returned back down the well, with three little boys safely in a burlap sack.

IF I were a dirty minded author, I would make a comment about 'sacks' in general. And IF I wasn't an author with strong moral convictions, there might be some awkward moment in the confinement of the burlap prison the boys were trapped in. IF I wasn't a responsible adult who never listened to nasty tales of gossip, and truly believed that acquittal makes you innocent, I would say something about Michael Jackson being jealous about the boys in the bag.

Luckily for us all however, I am flawless human being and will not stoop so low as to mention those three things. So we may proceed with the story without mishap.

"I found some!" Jaken called out to Sesshomaru, upending the boys at the lord's feet. Sesshomaru looked at the unconscious boys.

"Now what am I supposed to do with them?" he wondered. "Rin, pick the kitty, I mean fiancé that you want and we'll get rid of the others."

Rin came over and peered at the boys.

They didn't do anything due to the fac they were unconscious. Rin found herself a good solid stick of respectable length, and began poking them with it.

"They don't do any tricks?" she whined.

Sesshomaru shrugged.

"I dunno, maybe all the lively ones were already gone when Jaken showed up. Or maybe these were the ones too dumb to run when they saw him coming."

"Jaken, make them be interesting!" Rin commanded.

"Yes, Jaken," Sesshomaru agreed. "Make them stop being sucky!"

Jaken thought about it a moment, and then nodded to himself.

In a flurry of toad/imp/giant green turd powers, he constructed a cheesy looking set with lots of blinky lights and ka-razy colours. On one side was a stool where he placed a very puzzled looking Rin. On the other side were three other stools where he put the boys.

He then woke the boys up by poking them with sticks.

His poking stick was much nicer then Rin's because he had advanced poking mastery. They woke up promptly.

"It's the Dating Game!" Jaken told everyone excitedly. "Rin will ask each boy three questions, and from that outcome, she will decide which she will marry!"

He ran forward and shoved a collection of cards into Rin's hand.

"Ask them these!" he ordered her.

Jaken then scurried back to sit at Lord Sesshomaru's feet like the dog he wished he was.

"Okay," Rin looked at the cards, and then said. "Bachelor Number One, if I was an ice cream, how would you eat me?"

Shippou thought about that one for a minute.

"I'd have to eat you fast before Inuyasha got there and stole you from me, and then started hitting me. Then Kagome would tell him to 'sit' and he'd probably break you and get you all over his shirt and then he'd have a really hard time trying to wash you off his shirt."

Rin nodded.

"Bachelor Number Two, Same question!"

"I don't remember how I would eat ice cream," Kohaku replied in a distant voice. "But I suppose I would eat it as Lord Naraku does, with cookie dough, in the dark, cramming it into my face, crying and asking why no one loves me. Then I would go make myself throw up, wailing and screaming that no one likes a fat bishie, and then I would collapse in a corner, face smeared with ice cream and tears and I would cry myself to sleep."

Silence rang in the clearing.

"Bachelor Number Three," Rin said choosing another question. "Where would you take me on a first date?"

"I would take you to the den of the wolf demons!" Souta exclaimed in excitement. He leaned forward, practically trembling with anticipation. "And then I'd go right up to the leader of all the wolf demons, and I'd punch him right in the nose and say 'She's my woman bitch!' And then we'd get in a fight and it'd be really close and he'd almost kill me, but then I'd learn a new attack just in time and I'd totally pwn his ass and then I'd be all beaten up and then you would tend to my sexy, manly wounds!"

He had to stop here and take a breath.

"And it'd be awesome!" he finished exuberantly.

"Bachelor Number One," Rin said. "Back to you. I'm shy and public displays of affection embarrass me. How would you express your love for me?"

"I'd draw lots and lots of pictures of you," Shippou declared. "And I'd make the stink lines look extra stinky! And it'd write stuff like 'kootizies' and 'icky Girlz!'"

Rin giggled and ducked her head shyly.

"That sounds nice," she admitted.

"Bachelor Number Two, same question!" she said.

"I do not remember how I would express my love," Kohaku admitted. "But perhaps I would do as master Naraku does. I would lay awake night, plotting how best to kill you and turn you away from your lover and to fill your heart with a hate that burns eternally. And then when you were resurrected, I would try again and again to destroy you and everyone you once cared for, failing again and again. I would then rip open my own chest and tear out the still beating heart that once loved you and imprison it in a mind-reading lump of flesh. Then without human weakness to hinder me any longer, I would finally claim you and make you mine, by ripping your second life from you, and tearing your soul with my claws."

Crickets could be heard chirping. Shippou cast Kohaku a nervous look and then scooted his chair away from him.

"Bachelor Number Three," Rin said slowly. "Same question!"

"Well, if I really liked you, I'd be emotionally distant, and totally wrapped up in this other chick, but then I'd totally save you all time and kiss you and stuff, but I'd never actually admit to myself that I love you and I'd keep it a major secret and I'd get all possessive and jealous and be a total dick about everything!"

Rin nodded.

"Playing hard to get does keep a girl interested," she agreed.

"Bachelor Number One. What's the sexist part of a woman?"

"Her crayons!" Shippou exclaimed immediately.

"Bachelor Number Two," Rin said. "Same question!"

"I do not remember," Kohaku began. "But Lord Naraku..."

"WAIT!" Rin shouted desperately. She leafed through the cards desperately until she found one. "Ugh, what would you like to be reincarnated as."

"I don't remember," he admitted again. "But Naraku wants to be reincarnated as Kikyo's underwear."

"Eeew!" Shippou squealed. "That's gross! Girl's have gross underwear!"

Rin giggled bashfully into her hands.

"Lord Sesshomaru! They said underwear!" she laughed.

"Yes I heard, Rin," Sesshomaru nodded.

"Bachelor Number Three," Rin said looking at the cards again. "If you could be any man, and I could be any woman, who would we be and what would we do?"

"I'd be Inuyasha!" Souta crowed. "And I'd fight demons and kick their asses! Just like those gay Sesshomaru and Naraku guys! And I'd single handedly fix everything that's wrong in the world and invent indoor plumbing because I'd be just that good! And I'd kick the crap out of that Shippou kid! And hit Miroku for being a pervert!"

He thought a second.

"I guess you'd by my sister or something," he admitted in a disgusted voice. "And all you'd do is wear short skirts, and tell me to 'sit' and whine whenever Kikyo shows up."

Rin nodded.

"Have you decided Rin?" Sesshomaru asked her.

"Well, Sesshomaru, they're all so nice sounding!" she protested. "And I really don't know how to choose. They all seem like such... kind boys. But I think I like Shippou the best!"

"Really?" Shippou perked up in excitement. "Me? You like me the best?"

He jumped off his stool and ran across the divider to greet Rin. He was already pulling out a present for her. A bouquet of semi-used, only partially broken crayons.

"If you're my best girl you should have these!" he told her.

Rin giggled, and scuffed her toy into the dirt, ducking her head bashfully.

"Oh, Jaken," Sesshomaru sighed in tender voice. "Rin's found love!"

Jaken looked up at Sesshomaru in amazement.

"M'lord, what did you say?"

"I said die!" Sesshomaru retorted, stabbing Jaken through the head. "Damn healing sword!" he growled, sheathing it and sulking a bit.

"You wanna hold hands?" Rin asked Shippou, offering her hand.

Shippou blushed bright red and looked around.

"Right now?" he choked. "With everyone watching?"

Kohaku and Souta had not moved from their stools, for they were busy contemplating their tactics. Souta would jump up in a minute shout 'she's not your woman!' and then attack Shippou blindly, just like his role model. Kohaku on the other hand would wait until night fall, stalking and watching Rin as he came up with an elaborate scheme to turn her against Shippou. Twisting her goodness into an evil force within her so that when she finally succumb to a mortal wound, her twisted soul would take her right to hell.

And then they could be together forever!

Before anyone got a chance however, a fourth child, stomped onto the scene.

"Listen bitch!" Souten snarled, shoving Rin away from Shippou. "He's my man!"

"Then what's he doing with me?" Rin demanded, shoving Souten right back. "Guess you ain't keeping your man happy!"

"What, bitch?" Soten shrieked. She open hand smacked Rin in the face.

"Hey, now!" Jaken called out. "Violence is not the answer young lady!"

"Y'all don't know me! Y'all don't know me!" Souten shouted. "Y'all just jealous! Cause I got me a foine Thunder Brotha Sista booty!"

"Bitch!" Rin screamed, tackling Souten. The two began rolling around on the floor.

"Guys! Don't fight!" Shippou fretted, dancing uneasily back from foot to foot.

"Rin's my woman!" Souta shouted, flying at Shippou, wielding his stool. He cracked Shippou over the head with it. "She's mine!"

"Jerk!" Shippou snapped, flinging a top at him.

"Fools!" Kohaku shouted. "I shall destroy you both and take your shiny things! Kukukuku!"

He then launched himself into the fray.

And so, Souten wailed on Rin, and Rin in turn wailed on Souten. Shippou pimp-smacked Souta, and Souta pimp-smacked him right back, and Kohaku busted a cap up each of their asses. Jaken futilely tried to pull them apart, but so great was their blood lust that all he could do was get wailed on, pimp-smacked and have multiple caps busted up his ass.

Sesshomaru watched the carnage and sighed.

"Why do we always hurt the ones we care about?" Sesshomaru asked no one in particular. "Maybe it's because love is such a frightening, and powerful emotion, and hurting each other is the only way to feel like we have some control. Or maybe it's our own innate sense of unworthiness, and we hurt those who love us to prove that we aren't really worthy of love. Giving us the sick satisfaction of being right. Either way, love hurts."

* * *

A/N (Super Ceech) Now the countdown begins...five more chapters until the end, folks! 


	17. Naraku and Sango

A/N (Super Ceech) Hey, guys, sorry about the slight delay – I wrote a chapter for the right time, but decided to save it for later. So I wrote this one instead. Enjoy!

* * *

"Kohaku, come forth," a resonating voice spoke up from the shadows.

A young boy of twelve years of age and a blank look in his eyes stepped into the dark room. "Yes, my lord? What is your bidding?"

"Kohaku...there comes a time in every demon's life when he is forced to obey the laws of animal mating and become horny as all hell. In such times as these, only a mate may satisfy their needs..." Naraku spoke up wisely and meaningfully.

"And so what would you wish of me, my master?" Kohaku asked blankly. "Do you wish for me to find you a mate?"

"Oh, me? Heavens no!" Naraku laughed. "I just wanted to warn you about it because I sometimes catch Kanna giving you a rather unnerving stare and I'm not sure if she's about to jump you there and then or hit you over the head with her mirror and drag you off somewhere..."

"She gives everyone the same stare, milord," Kohaku replied, unmoved.

"Huh...perhaps you're right," Naraku mused. "In that case, go warn any other boys you've seen her to be in contact with lately. Oh, and while you're out, fetch me a mate."

"I thought you didn't want me to find you one?" Kohaku asked, now confused.

"Ah, well, now that we've been talking about it, it makes me want one too!" Naraku whined. "Kind of like if you talk about food, you start to get hungry and want whatever dish you were just discussing a moment ago."

"You want food now?" Kohaku ventured.

Naraku slapped a random tentacle to his forehead. "Man, this brainwashing really messes you up, kid! Go find me a mate! Mate!"

Kohaku bowed stiffly. "Yes, sir." With that, he turned and started to exit the room. But just as he got one foot out, he turned back to Naraku, a confused expression once again on his face. "Ahhh...would this happen to be a woman...? Or...a man...? Or...?"

Naraku shrugged carelessly. "Just go out and find something that swings whatever way I am."

"Ahh...right, sir." With a no less baffled expression, but not wanting to press any further, Kohaku once again turned and exited the room in order to start his daunting quest.

..:V:..

"Take that, you filthy demon!" Sango cried. "Hiraikotsu!" Her oversized boomerang sliced through the air and then consequently sliced through her target demon. She'd been commissioned to handle a demon slaying and so had separated from the rest of the group briefly in order to come and save this poor town from the threat.

As the generic demon no one cares about split in two and promptly died, Sango snatched Hiraikotsu from the air and posed triumphantly before the cheering crowd. But out of the corner of her eye, she saw a flash of black and when she turned her head, she got the briefest glimpse of her brother, Kohaku.

Totally astonished and not wanting to lose this lead, Sango immediately forgot about the demon, the crowd, and her earned pay, and took off after her fleeing brother.

He was fast. Sango was hard-pressed to keep up with him, especially with Hiraikotsu on her back. In a moment that was perhaps not her brightest, she decided to ditch the dead weight and let her weapon fall to the ground behind her as she picked up speed.

Sango followed Kohaku for what seemed like forever, never being able to call out his name because she was too out of breath and even if she did, it would be ripped away in the wind. Finally, they came to a gigantic castle and Kohaku disappeared inside its depths. Sango paused to catch her breath and then slipped inside herself.

It was completely dark and Sango took her time slipping through the corridors without tripping. Every so often, she would call out Kohaku's name, though she got no response in return. Finally, just as she was stepping past a doorway, the shoji slid open and a slippery voice enveloped her.

"Ahhh, Saaaango. How nice of you to join me once again. Did you come to work for me?"

Sango spun around, recognizing the voice at once. "Naraku! I would never work for you!"

"You've already done so once," Naraku pointed out amiably.

Sango frowned. "Ah, touché. But that is of little matter! _This_ time, I only came seeking the freedom of my brother!"

Naraku expression was crestfallen, and Sango's eyes had adjusted enough to the dark to be able to see it. The rest of his body was still shrouded in shadow, however. "Oh...shame, that. Well...well, how 'bout this? I am going to make you an offer that will alleviate your pain and suffering of heart, but which will most certainly hold some secret evil drawback as a consequence that I will not divulge to you at the same time as making the offer."

Sango stood there, thinking through the proposal Naraku had just made to her and when she finally caught up with his train of thought, she adopted a confused expression. "But...weren't you the one that _caused_ my pain and suffering of heart in the first place...?"

Naraku shrugged. "Well, all the more reason for me to alleviate it, then! Come on, I'll totally make you an offer you can't refuse!"

"I could refuse _anything_ you offered me, _Naraku_!" Sango spat with utter, utter loathing. With a little bit of hatred on the side.

"Oh?" Naraku challenged with a quirk of his eyebrow. "And so I assume you could refuse...this?"

As Sango curiously looked on, Naraku backed into his dark room and then felt around for a switch on the wall. There was a click and then suddenly the large room was lit up by spinning, multi-coloured lights that flashed and swirled. On top of that, black lights were lit up around the room and a huge disco ball was dangling from the ceiling. (Hey, author here – we all know Naraku is _just_ that evil that he could have somehow gone to the future and stolen the technology needed for this feat and all ways to power it in the feudal era where there is no electricity to speak of. We _all_ know it. There is a certain degree of evil that allows this and _damn_ does Naraku have it!)

"Can you resist the disco, Sango? CAN YOU?" Naraku challenged her.

Sango's shocked face turned towards her nemesis and, if possible, became even more shocked. He was in a white, plastic, skin tight disco outfit with flared pants and platform shoes. And with a toss of his head, demonic energy caused his hair to rise up and crimp into the largest afro this world has ever known. Needless to say, Sango was floored.

She resisted for nearly three seconds before she crumbled and wailed, "I can't resist the disco!"

And so Sango joined Naraku in disco and more than a simple bond was formed, but a deep love. It manifested through their shared inability to resist disco and we all know that anything involving disco must be true love.

As they were discoing their hearts out, Kohaku entered the room saying, "Lord Naraku, I searched everywhere, but nowhere did I find a life form that I thought might swing your way... W-who is that girl?"

Sango's eyes brightened. "Oh, Kohaku! Come on in and disco with us!"

"It's quite alright, Kohaku," Naraku said to the boy. "I have found myself a mate. Surely you don't disagree with this, Sango, my dear?"

Sango kept dancing, but she shook her head fervently. "Not at all! I mean, I had some reservations, yes, but nobody can say no to disco!"

"And I shall be keeping up my end of the bargain by ensuring that you get to stay with your brother forever more. And someday I may evencure his brainwashing dilemma and make him live on a heartbeat instead of a jewel shard...but don't let me get ahead of myself," Naraku mused with a laugh.

"And what do you suppose the secret evil drawback as a consequence might be?" Sango wondered.

Naraku waved a hand vaguely at her. "Oh, you know, the usual. I'll probably get you to kill all your friends and steal their jewel shards for me. Nothing that isn't worth it."

Sango nodded, still dancing. "Sounds fair. Now, come join us, Kohaku!"

Hesitantly, Kohaku did just that. For although his mind was blank and most of the room was taken up by Naraku's afro, nobody can refuse disco.

And so, it wasn't too long after that that the shoji burst open once again, except this time to reveal Inuyasha, Miroku, Kagome, Shippo and Kirara, all looking defiant and justice upholding.

"Aha! We have finally found you, Nara... What the hell?" Inuyasha exclaimed. "...Naraku? ...SANGO?"

"Oh, hey, Inuyasha! What's happening?" Sango greeted him.

"Wh-what are you doing with Naraku? Didn't you go off to help a village being plagued by a demon?" Inuyasha asked, at a loss for anything else to say.

"Oh, that," Sango said flippantly. "I took care of that and then followed Kohaku back here. And now Naraku has relieved my suffering and sorrow and emotional scarring and I've fallen madly and inexplicably in love with him."

Miroku took a step forward. "Bu-but Sango! This...this wo–er, man! This man is the one who put the wind tunnel initially in my grandfather's hand, thus cursing my entire family lineage!"

Sango shrugged. "Ehn, your grandfather probably groped Naraku. He _does_ look enough like a girl. So your grandfather deserved it."

Miroku gaped at her. "But...but...what about _my_ love for you? Does that mean nothing to you?"

"You know, it really doesn't. I prefer to be with the man who ruined my life by slaughtering my village, causing my younger brother to kill my father and the other demon slayers, and having multitudes of soldier shoot him and me down. And let's not forget when he resurrected me in order to do his dirty work for him, and how he keeps my brother in a half alive-half dead state with no memory of me or who he is in general, just to torment me and once again, do his dirty work for him.

"I much prefer a man like that instead of you who, despite your groping other women and behaving inappropriately with them every now and then, treats me with respect and loves me too much to toy with me and my feelings until you are for sure out of danger of your life.

"I'm tired of waiting for you to die or not! Like, why does it all have to be so indecisive with you all? Either die or don't; don't sit around fretting about it all day and making half-assed attempts to save yourselves! I'm through with you all! I've found the solution! I'm going with the evil, invincible man that can never be killed and or stay killed! I've finally seen what you have all along, Inuyasha! That's why I say power to ya and go with Kikyo! She's at least guaranteed for life...and much farther beyond! And THAT'S what I have to say on the matter!"

The others all looked around at each other uncertainly and started backing away. "Perhaps this wasn't the best time..." Kagome said hesitantly. "We'll come back later, when you've settled in..."

"You do that!" Sango shouted after their retreating backs. "Because I love my man and I'll stay by his side forever and ever!"

Naraku gave a great sniffle of joy. "You called me a man...FOUR times! You really are the love of my life! Let's disco all night long!"

And so they did.

And no one noticed that as the Inuyasha group were winding their way through the corridors, looking for an exit, a mirror came crashing down on poor Shippo's head and he was dragged quietly off into the shadows...

* * *

A/N (Super Ceech) 0.o Random...but fun! Nobody cansay no to disco! We ALL know that's what Naraku's big, dark room REALLY is! And ph34r the afro! Ph34r it!

Continuing the countdown...four more chapters after this to go!


	18. Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru

A/N (Calum the Angel) Why did I get all the yaoi pairings? ...Oh yeah, I volunteered... And as if that wasn't bad enough, it's yaoi incest! Goodie-goodie gumdrops! Jeez, people, incest is NOT attractive! And I don't even have any siblings! So, purely for your enjoyment, here is my picking apart of Inu/Sess. Hey, did anyone else notice that InuSess sounds like incest? ... –Goes off to vomit in horror– This starts out serious at first, but don't worry, it starts to make approximately no sense soon enough.

* * *

Twigs and leaves snapped and crackled beneath his feet as he ran desperately through the forest. Without his demon nature, it felt like he was running in slow-motion. The sensation of running through water rather than air drove him very nearly mad, as well as struck fear into his human heart.

Inuyasha stopped and leaned against a tree to catch his breath. His endurance was even suffering. He consoled himself by assuming he was far enough away from the demon by now to be safe, and that the others surely were not far away. He had been separated from Kagome and the others when the demon came. Unable to fight very well without claws or the Tetsusaiga, he was forced to allow the others to protect him, which made him seethe. The forest was pitch black without the moon to illuminate it, and getting separated from the others was an easy task. He tried to survey his surroundings to see if he recognized anything, but his human eyes could not pierce the darkness.

He slumped down next to the tree and looked up through the trees at the sky. The star-sprinkled navy blue indicated the impending dawn, and Inuyasha's heart lifted. As soon as his demon nature had returned, he would tear out of the forest and slaughter the demon— assuming the others had not done so before him. With any luck, they were safe...

"Brother."

Inuyasha jumped and searched desperately for the source of that voice. His subdued senses had left it completely undetected until now. He spotted it easily, standing a scant few feet away from him. Even in the pitch-black of the night, the long silver hair and glittering golden eyes seemed to exude their own illumination.

"Sesshoumaru!"

"I thought as much," Sesshoumaru mumbled. "You rarely cease to amaze me, brother. Such a strange transformation. You appear to be entirely human. I wonder... Are you able to wield the Tetsusaiga?"

"Maybe I can, and maybe I can't," Inuyasha replied defiantly, rising to his full height. "Are you willing to risk finding out?"

"Such an indirect response leads me to believe that you cannot," Sesshoumaru said, the tiniest of grins playing on his lips. "How simple it would be to take it from you now. You, unable to fight back at all."

"You wouldn't dare..." Inuyasha growled. He knew in his present form, he stood no chance whatsoever against Sesshoumaru. Even running was futile. Perhaps if he could stall him long enough, until sunrise...

In the blink of an eye, Sesshoumaru was standing right in front of Inuyasha. Inuyasha let out a yelp at the movement so sudden, he did not see it. He stood, frozen, under his brother's unreadable gaze. As stunned as he was by this, it did not compare to what happened next.

Sesshoumaru caressed Inuyasha's cheek with a clawed hand, gazing deeply into his eyes.

Inuyasha blinked. "Okay, this is getting weird."

"Don't be foolish, brother," Sesshoumaru chided, a little more gently than before. "I've never noticed how beautiful you are before. Probably because I was trying to kill you. Well, I won't be trying that anymore. Your eyes sparkle so brilliantly in the moonlight."

Inuyasha looked up at the sky, puzzled. For some reason, the moon was full.

"It was a new moon a few minutes ago!" Inuyasha protested. "Where the hell did that come from?"

"I believe it popped out of a plot hole," Sesshoumaru replied.

"Oh..." Inuyasha mumbled. "Well, let's have a look at you in the moonlight, then." Inuyasha looked up into his brother's face and gasped. "Holy crap! You're hot! And the fact that you're my brother, and that you've tried to kill me for our father's sword on several occasions doesn't seem to bother me at all!"

"Splendid!" Sesshoumaru bubbled. "Let's prance off happily through the forest!"

And they did. Sesshoumaru took Inuyasha's hand and they pranced happily through the forest, away from the enemy demon and the others. Normally, Inuyasha would never have dreamed of leaving the others to deal with a demon, or to worry them with his absence, but he was madly in love, so it didn't matter.

As they exited the forest and entered a field of tall, plush grass, the full moon fell back into its plot hole and the sun began to rise. Sesshoumaru watched with amazement, amusement and some arousal as Inuyasha's hair faded out to its original silver. His human ears disappeared into his head, and his two little doggy ears appeared on top of his head.

_Pop! Pop!_

"There's something I've been dying to do," Sesshoumaru enthused. He ran over and began playing with Inuyasha's doggy ears.

Inuyasha was tolerant of the contact; after all, this was his brother and true love. He noticed anew the large fluffy...fluffy slung over Sesshoumaru's shoulder. He began stroking it, coveting its soft fluffiness and fluffy softness.

After several minutes of feeling each other up, they collapsed to the ground, exhausted.

"Was it good for you?" Sesshoumaru asked.

"That was amazing," Inuyasha swooned. He sidled over beside his brother and wrapped his arms around his neck. "I wuv you, Sesshoumaru..."

"I feel some more prancing coming on!" Sesshoumaru exclaimed.

So they rose and linked arms, traipsing merrily through the meadow. Conveniently, the sun had reached its noontime apex and the meadow was now filled with beautiful yellow flowers. They pranced, smiling and laughing, laughing and smiling and prancing.

Sesshoumaru willingly dropped to the ground, pulling Inuyasha along with him. The younger brother landed on top of the elder, and they rolled. They rolled and they rolled and they rolled. They knew not how long they rolled, only that they rolled. They were so occupied with their rolling that they rolled right over the edge of a cliff and down the side, finally rolling into another meadow filled with beautiful yellow flowers.

When their rolling ceased, they stood up and dusted themselves off. Inuyasha noticed that Tetsusaiga was missing. He looked over at Sesshoumaru and opened his mouth to ask where Tetsusaiga had gone, but his question was answered before he had time to ask it. Sesshoumaru held up Tetsusaiga's scabbard, still carrying Tetsusaiga. Sesshoumaru wiggled it in the air tauntingly and began to prance away, giggling gleefully.

"Oh, you!" Inuyasha giggled.

So Inuyasha chased him. He chased him and he chased him and he chased him, prancing all the while through the field of pretty flowers.

"You can't catch me, brother!" Sesshoumaru called out over his shoulder.

"We'll see about that!" Inuyasha shouted back happily.

T'was all in good fun.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

When Inuyasha finally caught up to Sesshoumaru, he tackled him to the ground. Tetsusaiga forgotten, they rolled and they rolled and they rolled some more until they were all rolled out. When they stopped, Inuyasha pinned Sesshoumaru's shoulders to the ground and gazed deeply into his eyes. Sappy, romantic music started playing in the background like something out of a bad songfic.

"I never knew how happy I'd be loving you, Sesshoumaru," Inuyasha swooned.

"Me, too, brother," Sesshoumaru sighed.

Blushing a deep crimson, Inuyasha leaned in closer, taking in Sesshoumaru's luscious scent and making a beeline for his soft, supple, kitten-pink lips...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"What!" Kagome demanded, waking with a start at the sudden scream. "What's going on!"

Inuyasha, soaked in a terrified sweat and breathing heavily in panic, was sitting up in his bedroll.

"Inuyasha?" Kagome tried. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

Inuyasha paused, his eyes widening at the horror of some memory. He shook his head and said tersely, "It's nothing. Just go back to sleep, okay!"

"Alright, you don't have to bite my head off!" Kagome snapped. She laid back down and pulled her covers back up in a huff. "I was just worried is all."

She closed her eyes, trying to fall back into the sleep that Inuyasha had so suddenly broken. As she felt her mind slip into subconsciousness, a sound back in the waking world brought her right back out of it. Her eyes slowly opened, and she saw Inuyasha still sitting up in bed. He seemed to be making a whimpering sound, much like the one a dog would make.

"Awww!" Kagome cooed. She practically leapt out of bed and shuffled over to him on her knees, wrapping her arms around his neck. "There there! You just had a bad dream, right? It's okay, that mean old nightmare can't hurt you while you're awake."

"K-Kagome...!" Inuyasha moaned, his voice more high-pitched than usual. He fearfully clasped her sleeve. "It was... It was _terrible_..." He continued to whimper like a frightened puppy.

* * *

A/N (Super Ceech) You're now all encouraged to follow our example and go have showers. :P And keep in mind there are now only three chapters left... 


	19. Jaken Gang Bang

A/N (Spacewolf) Look, it's not horribly late! I'm getting better and better and better! –grin!–

* * *

It was his day off.

All week, he slaved and slaved and slaved, working his ass off, but some Saturday, it was HIS time. And he knew just how to start the weekend off.

First he look a long shower, letting the water just wash away his every care, his every problem. Goodbye cares, goodbye problem – he imagined them all swirling down the drain with the soap suds.

And pee.

He always peed in the shower. It was part of his ritual. He liked to tell himself he was metaphorically pissing on everyone who pissed him off during the week, but really... he just liked to pee in the shower.

But enough of that!

As the time to end his shower drew nigh, it was time for the most important part: the shaving of the chest. Just to prove he was macho!

He was always very careful during this part.

After all, one nipple is hard to explain to a girlfriend.

Finally, once his chest was nice and hairless, his body was nice and slick with water, and his bladder was nice and empty, it was time to depart from the shower.

He turned off the water and threw back the curtain, walking brazenly out of his bathroom.

Screw towels, towels were for those poor saps who had something to hide. Not him! Not anymore.

He had TAG body spray.

That's right, ladies.

It's JAKEN's time to shine!

Unabashedly naked he stood, in all his... ugh... glory (for lack of a better word) and held his arms away from his body, throwing his head back proudly. While poised like that, he patiently waited to drip dry.

A towel would have been faster, but real men – the kinda men Jaken was, or was going to be – they didn't bother with towels.

It took about four hours for Jaken to drip dry all the way, but it was so worth it! He grabbed his new bottle of TAG body spray and regarded it with a half smile on his beak.

"'Show them the way?'" he asked himself. He then tossed his head back again, and began a thorough coating of himself with the body spray.

Again and again, over and over, he doused himself, EVERY inch of himself, since he wanted to make sure 'they' knew the way to everywhere!

A funny rattling sound stopped him. Frowning, Jaken shook the bottle close to his ear and frowned.

"Well, that sucks!" he exclaimed. "This must be a sample bottle!"

He threw it over his shoulder.

He could have put it in a garbage, but garbages were for suckers. Real men didn't worry about things like littering.

It was time to get dressed.

He put on his plain brown smock, his little hat AND some bling. Just cause he was pimpin' like that.

He'd polished the Staff of Two Heads within an inch of its life, and forcefully embedded some rock candy into the mouths of the heads so that they were pimpin' too.

"Tonight," he said, stroking its long shaft lovingly. "You'll be my pimp stick!"

Proudly, he walked-no-strolled-no! Swaggered! Proudly, he swaggered to the front door. Once there, he stopped in front of it, tugged professionally at the front of his smock and rolled his shoulders.

"Look out, ladies!" Jaken purred. "'Cause Jaken's coming!"

He took his first step out of the house, and air quality dropped fifteen points.

..:V:..

.:Hulking Huge Ass Castle Of Inconspicuousness:.

"Naraku!" Kagura burst into the dark little room where Naraku dwelt.

He looked up from his shadow puppets and glared.

"Yes, Kagura?" he demanded.

"There's another demon spewing miasma in the valley!" she cried out. "Did you knock some peasant girl up again?"

"NO!" Naraku shouted back. "And besides! I didn't knock her up! She knocked me up! And you know what? Kanna may be a mistake, but at least she's quiet!"

"I'm a mistake?" Kanna appeared, looking stricken.

"Huh?" Naraku turned to her. "Oh yeah," he nodded. "You're the product of a one night drunken stand with some chick. I don't remember her name."

Kanna's lips trembled and then she turned from him, fleeing and sobbing.

"Oh well," Naraku shrugged. "Better go check out this other demon."

He rose and on his way out, he turned to Kagura.

"Look, Kanna seemed kinda upset about finding out she was unwanted and all, so don't mention to her she was supposed to be a boy but then I accidently missed the umbilical cord."

From far off, Kanna let out a tormented sob of unwanted despair.

..:V:..

.:Random Village Which Always Relies on the Kindness of Strangers:.

Inuyasha's nose stung.

"Ugh! What is that?" he hissed, covering his nose. "I smell miasma!"

His friends looked up from their various tasks: Shippou from entertaining the joy deprived children of the village, Sango from teaching village boys and men how to defend their home, Kagome from tending the random wounded, and Miroku from the hands-on sex-ed class he was giving the girls of the village.

"I don't sense Naraku's demonic aura," Kagome frowned. Her frown deepened as she squinted at the horizon. "But you're right, Inuyasha," she agreed. "There IS something out there! Come on! Let's check it out!"

"Right!" chorused the others. They gathered their weapons together and took off in the direction of the disturbance.

Three people died because Kagome left before she could tend to them.

..:V:..

.: Unquestionable Sex God Jaken:.

"Where are the ladies?" Jaken asked himself. He peered around the thick woods, looking for a piece of ass... I mean cough maiden in distress. "I was certain there'd be women out here in the middle of nowhere!"

"You there!"

The booming voice made Jaken look up.

"What are you doing here?" Kikyo demanded him, pointing an arrow at him.

Jaken felt his knees tremble and he looked frantically for help. He was sure he couldn't take on a miko of her power.

"You smell strange!" Kikyo told him, sniffing the air delicately. Her eyes narrowed and she gripped her bow more powerfully. "I will dispatch you anyway. But first! You are Sesshomaru's minion, are you not?"

"Yes," Jaken called back in a trembling voice. "I am vassal to Lord Sesshomaru."

"Good," Kikyo replied. Sniff. "You will give him a message!"

"But how can I give him a message if you dispatch me?" Jaken cried out in alarm.

"Do not question..." Sniff. "Me! I am the miko Kikyo and..." Sniff. "I will have my revenge on..." Sniff. "Inuyasha and I want your master..." Sniff. Her grip on the bow faltered. "And I want..." her arms fell limply to her sides. Her bow and arrow fell to her feet, and she swayed unsteadily. "And I want you!"

Jaken jumped a bit.

Without hesitation, Kikyo marched toward him and grabbed him too tightly with her hands. She leaned in close, breathing in the scent of him.

"That I should be moved so when I am dead," she murmured. "Truly the ever fickle Fates toy with the string of my life as a child might with a ribbon on a day of celebration!"

"Huh?" Jaken asked.

He was startled as her soul eaters suddenly appeared, wrapped around him, holding him in place. Kikyo fell to her knees, holding the sides of his face, a look of aching loneliness and longing stealing across her face.

"As the sun ever chases the moon across the sky, so does my soul chase after yours," she whispered, her lips parting as she leaned closer. "And thus they, in their courses, mark our path and our doom for each day I lay down in the west, I ache for you as you rise in the east. Let not their eternal struggle be our own, and let us cast off the binding of our own puny lives and may we lay down in the west together, and may we rise together as well!"

"Ugh..." Jaken stammered, trying to struggle out of her tight grip. Her soul eaters held his arms behind his back so he couldn't fend her off. Her weight was getting harder and harder to support as she leaned more and more heavily upon him. "I have no idea what you just said," he admitted, trying to manoeuver the Staff of Two Heads... sorry, his Pimp Stick so he could pry off her soul eaters.

"Take me now!" Kikyo suddenly screamed, shoving him forcefully to the ground. Jaken had one second to stare up at her glazed, but adoring expression, before she swooped down to kiss him.

"Kikyo?" Inuyasha's incredulity rang in the air. "Kikyo, what are you doing?"

Kikyo looked up at Inuyasha and his friends with unseeing eyes.

"Inuyasha," she said. "Leave us!"

She turned back to Jaken.

"Kikyo...is that Jaken?" Inuyasha demanded. He shook his head in horror. "You better be about to kill him!"

"If my love could kill you, would you accept it anyways?" Kikyo asked Jaken breathlessly.

"Ugh..." Jaken grunted, trying to worm away. "Not really, no..."

"Sango... Sango, what are you doing?" Miroku asked in alarm.

Shakily, halting step after halting step, Sango was slowly approaching Jaken.

"I don't know!" she replied in alarm. "I can't seem to control myself! He just smells so goo—rawrrrr!"

Without warning, she pounced on Jaken, knocking Kikyo aside. She grabbed Jaken and hauled him to his feet.

"Kiss me!" she commanded before grabbing him and pulling him in for a hard kiss.

"Sango, no!" Kagome ran forward and grabbed her friend, throwing her away from Jaken. "Don't kiss him!"

Sango looked up at her with a startled look on her face.

"He's mine, bitch!" Kagome screeched, kicking her best friend in the side and grabbing Jaken protectively. "You're mine aren't you, Jaken?" she asked him, holding him against her chest.

Jaken said something.

But it was muffled by her breasts.

Researchers have concluded Jaken was probably saying something along the lines of "BOOBIES!"

"He's mine!" Sango bitch-slapped Kagome.

"You're both blind wanders on the moors of ignorance!" Kikyo argued, rising to her feet. "He's mine! I saw him first!"

"Dance of the Dragon!"

Sango, Kagome and Kikyo were all blown across the clearing, and Kagura's feather gently descended into the clearing. Kagura leapt from it and landed with a furious expression on her face.

"You three!" she screeched, holding up her fan. "Stay away from my man!"

She then turned to Jaken and walked towards him, a sexy sway to her hips.

"Do exactly as I say if you want to live," she commanded him, grabbing the neck of her kimono and beginning to pull it open.

Jaken's eyes bugged out.

"Kagura!" Naraku exclaimed, leaping down from the feather. "Hey! Let's keep it G rated!"

He grabbed his daughter slash minion and pulled her back.

"This is not Girls Gone Wild!" he admonished her, dragging her away from Jaken. "Fix your kimono!"

Kagure tore out of his grip and ran, falling at Jaken's feet.

"You want me more than them, don't you?" she pleaded to him while pressing her almost exposed chest against him.

Jaken looked down at her nervously.

"No!" Kikyo rose to her feet. "The aching wounds of defeat that gape in his chest are for me and me alone to fill as the spider of the soul spins a web of love!"

She staggered towards Jaken, and collapsed, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I am for you as the rain is for the ocean," she whispered, laying her head against his arm.

"You're dead!" Sango snapped, climbing to her feet and dashing forward. She went down on one knee in front of Jaken and grabbed a hand, looking imploringly at him.

"Let me bear your children!" she gasped longingly as she took his hand and pressed it against her heart. "Let this be your home!"

Miroku was having the mildest of fits as he watched the woman he loved fawn over another man.

"That miasma of his IS distracting," Naraku murmured, rubbing his nose with a faint frown.

Inuyasha nodded.

"He's mine!" Kagome insisted, rising and running forward. She furled herself around Jaken's back, curling her arms around his waist and pressing against him.

"Mine!" she insisted, breathing in his ear.

"Kkkagome..." Inuyasha gasped. He sounded as if the word was choking him. "Kagome don't do...anything!" he gasped in horror.

"Oh, look at that," Sesshomaru said, conveniently striding into the clearing. "Jaken's made some friends!"

Just as conveniently, he strolled right across the clearing and out the other side. A few seconds later, Rin, skipping along with a fist full of flowers, entered the clearing.

"Master Jaken, who are your new friends?" Rin asked him, cocking her head to one side.

"Ugh, Rin..." Jaken stammered. "Well they're... ugh... they're..."

Rin blinked twice rapidly and took a step closer.

"Hi, Kagome!" she called out, waving with her fist full of flowers. "What are you doing?"

"Marking my territory!" Kagome replied in a sensual purr, nicking Jaken's neck with her teeth.

Inuyasha cried out in horror, as if a complete stranger had just violated him.

"Oh," Rin replied, rearing back in shock. "Are you all marking your territory? Like a dog? Like Lord Sesshomaru?"

In response, all she got was four self-satisfied female purrs, and one yelp from Jaken.

Rin sniffed at her flowers.

"I smell something... funny," she murmured.

"We all do," Naraku told her, rubbing his nose again. "It's him. His miasma or...or something."

"It's TAG body spray," Jaken gulped nervously. "It's...it's supposed to 'show them the way...'"

"The way where, Master Jaken?" Rin asked innocently.

Her flowers tumbled from her fingers.

"You smell pretty, Master Jaken..." she continued. "Pretty like flowers. Like a whole field of flowers..."

Her small face had gone unfocused and each step carried her closer and closer to him... She reached out for him, moving closer and closer and closer and...

A strong arm caught Rin around the waist and hauled her back from Jaken.

Sesshomaru adjusted his grip so that he carried Rin under his arm.

"Come along, Rin!" he said calmly. "No more Lolita-like antics for you this fic!"

He looked at Inuyasha.

"Brother," he nodded politely. "Naraku," he said, nodding to his fellow bishie. And then, carrying Rin under his arm, he briskly strode out of the clearing.

"Sesshomaru's got the right idea," Miroku muttered darkly. He rolled up his sleeves with a dark look on his face.

"Heh," Inuyasha grinned, ducking his head in agreement. He flexed his claws.

Miroku and Inuyasha tackled Jaken and his newly found friends. A savage battle ensued. With much hair pulling, name calling and scratching, Inuyasha and Miroku were finally able to drag Sango and Kagome away from Jaken.

Inuyasha had made a half-hearted attempt at getting Kikyo, but when her head had begun to rotate and she projectile vomited at him, he decided maybe they needed a little space. Besides, her soul eaters had intervened, coiling themselves around her and dragging her back.

Even they could sense that something was not right with this picture.

Slower than the other two, Naraku grabbed Kagura and pulled her back.

Spitting and hissing, and cursing like sailors, the girls struggled against their captors.

"He's mine!" Kikyo shrilled. "He is the blazing fire in the eternal hearth of my love!"

"SHUT UP!" Inuyasha suddenly exploded at her, frustrated by his almost futile attempts to hold Kagome back.

"You make no goddamned sense, woman!"

"Let me go! Let me go!" Kagome shrilled and Inuyasha had to brace himself and use all of his demon powers to try and hold her back. He was blushing madly because he didn't want to accidently feel her up in the process of saving her.

Miroku was having no such qualm. He was actually kind of enjoying the whole thing. And Sango was so desperate to get to Jaken, she didn't notice her boyfriend's busy hands.

Nakura wasn't having quite the same problem the others were. He simply coiled a tentacle around Kagura's waist and held her high off the ground. She kicked and screamed and clawed at him, but he didn't seem to notice.

"I'll fight you all for him!" Sango screamed. "I'll fight you all!"

Jaken, for his part, pushed himself up and dusted himself off, looking very shaken and frightened.

"That's how we'll decide!" Kagura decided. "A fight to the death for Jaken!"

"Miroku," Inuyasha grunted. "I can't hold her much longer. Maybe we should let them duke it out. At least they'll knock each other unconscious!"

"Alas no, Inuyasha," Miroku lamented. "I cannot risk them hurting each other to win, and I can't bear to think what would happen if either Kagome or Sango won!"

"What if they draw straws then?" Inuyasha demanded, hissing in pain as Kagome stomped on his foot. In a lower voice he added, "We can cheat at that, right?"

"Yes," Miroku agreed. "But who do we leave that awful fate to?" he asked.

"Kagura," Inuyasha said promptly. "She's evil, so it doesn't count."

"Agreed," Miroku nodded. "We have a means to selecting who will get Jaken!" Miroku called out.

The struggles of the girls stopped immediately.

"We'll draw straws!" Miroku decided. "The short straw gets Jaken!"

"Short straw, huh?" Inuyasha demanded. "Seems appropriate somehow."

Miroku pulled some straw out of his pocket, which he had been saving for just such an occasion.

He held them all in his hand and offered them to the four girls.

"Four girls, four straws," he told them. "Short straw gets Jaken!"

He offered to Kikyo first.

"You know, boys," Naraku drawled. "We're going to need another straw!"

"What do you mean?" Miroku demanded with a frown.

"I mean," Naraku said, with a creepy, glazed looking smile. "Bishies do it better!"

As the implications of this settled in, Jaken screamed and ran away.

He bolted in pure, unadultered terror. As he ran through the moutains, a redheaded girl in pigtails pounced on him from nowhere.

"You're my mate now!" she laughed, throwing him to the ground.

"Ayame!" Kouga shouted in horror. "What are you doing?"

Jaken clawed himself back to his feet and ran in blind terror; he ran past a temple where twin priestess jumped him and managed to rip off his brown smock. In nothing but his boxers, his hat, and his shoes, clutching his Pimp Stick (the Staff of Two Heads) as if he would use it to beat a path, he ran for dear life. Or his virtue. Pick one.

To Yura of the hair, who'd been resurrected for an angst fic (she ran away from the angst fic when she smelled the TAG body spray), he lost his hat, several inches of skin, and great deal of innocence.

To Yuka, Ayumi and Eri, Kagome's friends from the future who'd stumbled down the well (Tag Body spray had shown them the way), he lost The Staff of Two Heads (his Pimp Stick) and the last remaining shreds of his self respect.

When Princess Tsuyu attacked him, he lost his shoes. But he DID gain a monkey who jumped onto his head from someone else's. It scratched its ass and then beat him with its tiny fists before hooting and leaping away.

When he ran by the village that had been attacked by the Spiderheads, he almost, ALMOST lost his boxers to Nazuna, but he managed to kick her off and cling to them, holding them up desperately.

Finally, he ran found a safe place.

A quiet, dark little hut in a quiet little village by the Bone Eater's well.

"Finally," he panted. "Finally... I'll be safe in here!"

"Oh, aye," Kaede agreed in a sensuous purr. "Ye shall be quite safe here!"

Jaken's terrified screams pierced the night. But no one came to help.

No one came to help.

..:V:..

Albert, who worked the checkout counter at Pharma Plus, looked up when his scanner started beeping a him unexpectedly.

"Ugh, just gimme a second," he said to his customer. "I need to price check this..."

"Listen you!" Miroku shrilled, reaching across the counter and grabbing Albert by the collar. He violently hauled Albert forward. Miroku had a crazy look on his face. "Just gimme the damn TAG and no one gets hurt!"

* * *

A/N (Super Ceech) Two chapters to go. . . 


	20. Kagome's VERY Busy Day

A/N (Super Ceech) Well, here we are. The second last chapter. Yes. It's coming to a close. BUT! We already have another parody fic in mind, with some of its chapters already in the works. We're not sure who's profile it'll be on yet, but we'll post the first chapter of it with the last one of this and tell you where it ended up. For now, enjoy this chapter filled with antics and knavery!

* * *

"Tetsusaiga!" 

Inuyasha's overly large sword came swinging down with unrivalled force and slashed Hiten diagonally. Hiten's last thoughts were, "I was defeated...this half demon...he defeated both of us..."

Inuyasha watched satisfactorily as Hiten's body changed into a blue, featureless figure and then blew away as blue sparkles on the wind. He was gone. Vaporized. Absolutely no chance of returning.

HOWEVER, roughly a year later, after much hard work, a cult of molecule-gathering hippies managed to reassemble Hiten's body back to its original state. And just as they were putting the last molecule in place, Sesshoumaru happened to wander by and give a damn. With a deft swing of Tensaiga, he cut away the death gremlins hunched over Hiten's body, effectively resurrecting the thunder demon.

In a heart beat, literally, Hiten sprang to his feet, looking wildly around. "That damn half-breed! Where is he? I must find him and that stupid girl who can sense the jewel!"

"There's a jewel?" Sesshoumaru cut in, somewhat taken aback.

Hiten gave the white-haired demon a funny look. "Yeah...the Shikon Jewel. It got shattered and a whole bunch of demons are looking for the shards."

Sesshoumaru's mouth opened slightly in surprise. "Someone broke the Shikon Jewel? Why was I not informed?"

"It was reported in Demon Weekly, milord, but your subscription ran out two years ago and you've been too lazy to renew it..." Jaken piped up. "But remember – it was that shard Naraku gave you in order to attach a human arm to yourself, enabling you to wield Tetsusaiga."

"Is _that_ what that was...?" Sesshoumaru mused. "How curious... Ah, well. Come, Rin, Jaken. I have fields to wander elsewhere. Thunder demon, do as you wish. I have no further interest in you."

Hiten watched as the Lord of the Western Lands wandered off aimlessly and shrugged. "I think I will." And with that, he flew off with his flying wheels that had repaired themselves and reappeared miraculously.

The cult of molecule-gathering hippies were left to go off in search of a new project.

..:V:..

Meanwhile, Naraku sat brooding in the dark corner of his empty room of his empty, huge and elusive castle. After staring into nothing for the seven hundredth hour without moving, he leaned back his head and wailed, "Kaguraaaaa, I'm booooored!"

One of his biological detachments shuffled in the door on the other side of the room, sighing irritably. "What do you want _me_ to do about it, my _lord_?" Kagura gritted through her teeth.

"Entertain me...make it not boring... Oh, I know! What are Inuyasha and his little friends up to?" Naraku asked excitedly.

Kagura raised an eyebrow. "Last I checked? ...Nothing. Absolutely nothing. They were sitting around in a clearing, doing absolutely nothing."

"Haven't you set a new demon out to annoy them yet? I want to see them run around like panicked chipmunks..." Naraku pouted.

Kagura sighed. "They already killed the latest demon. And that puppet of yourself you sent after it. Though I really think you might consider stopping the production of these dolls...you're likely to go bald by the time this is all over."

Naraku barked out a laugh. "Are you kidding me, my oppressed so-called daughter? I've got enough hair here to last ten lifetimes...it's great for storage, you know. I think I may have a tuna sandwich in here from yesterday, in fact...were you hungry?"

Kagura wrinkled her nose. "Uh...no. No, thanks."

Naraku crossed his arms sullenly over his chest. "Fine then... Oh! I know! I discovered the remains of these human mercenaries..."

"So?" Kagura asked, sceptical.

"So?" Naraku challenged. "I'm Naraku and I think I'll resurrect them for shits and giggles."

"How did you plan on doing that?"

Naraku stiffened and fixed his by-product with an intense glare. "Perhaps you didn't hear me. I said I'm _Naraku_. What more do you need?"

"Oookay...how about a reason – other than that of 'for shits and giggles'?" Kagura asked, knowing she was treading on dangerous ground.

Naraku let out a frustrated breath. "Do I look ominous and evil to you?"

Kagura wanted to say otherwise, but the thought of him holding her heart restrained her. "I guess..."

"And does this not seem like an evil, dastardly deed?"

"Sure..."

"And is it not a fact that if anything, and I mean _anything_ evil or dastardly happens in this world, it can always be linked directly or indirectly back to me?"

Kagura thought a moment. "What about that time when that sheep demon–?"

"That was me."

"Then how about when the crops–?"

"That was me."

"What about–?"

"Me."

"And–?"

"Me again."

"The–?"

"It was all me, sweetheart. All me. Everything evil is _always_ done by me," Naraku said smugly.

"Huh..." Kagura said thoughtfully. "Very well. Carry on with your resurrection plan. In the meantime, I'll send another menial, easily beaten and fairly generic and non-threatening or scary demon after Inuyasha and his friends... By the way...do we know any of their names except Inuyasha? Or do they all just fall under the category of 'and his friends'?"

Naraku thought for a moment. "Oh! I think we know that girl's name, don't we? That...what was it? Ah! Sango! I stuck a shard in her back and stole her brother, wiping his memories... See what I mean about evil deeds? _All _me. Man, I'm good."

Kagura delivered one last sceptical look before exiting the room. "Suuuure..."

..:V:..

It was a beautiful day in the feudal era. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and the rampant demons were nowhere to be seen. Inuyasha's group had decided to pause from their shard hunting and enjoy a nice picnic lunch. The food was delicious and everything was going along smoothly until about midway through the meal.

Kagome suddenly sprang up from her spot and fixed Inuyasha with the most heated glare imaginable. "Inuyasha, you're such a JERK!"

Inuyasha blinked at her over a mouthful of noodles. "A-buh?" he sounded, clueless as to what he'd done now.

"I can't _believe_ you!" Kagome continued to shout despite the baffled looks of all her friends. "You're so insensitive! I need to write some tests, but will you let me go? NoooOooo! I tell you to stop hitting Shippo when he desperately deserves it, but do you? NoooOooo! I tell you to stop fighting with Kouga while I keep subtly encouraging his advances, but do you? NoooOooo! And I want you to dump your undead girlfriend who you're still in love with for me, but will you? NoooOooo! I'm tired of being unappreciated around here! But if you only think of me as your measly shard detector then FINE, I'm LEAVING! And good riddens! You'll be a lot happier without me, I'm sure!"

With that, Kagome spun on her heel and walked off into the surrounding forest, with not a clue how to get back to the well. The others were left in her wake, still completely clueless as to what just happened.

"There was a logical explanation for that, I'm sure..." Miroku said slowly.

"Do you think...maybe you should...go after her and...apologize...?" Shippo asked uncertainly, as if he weren't sure of the answer himself.

Inuyasha, who had bristled at all the accusations, shrugged irritably and gulfed down the rest of his noodles. "Wha' for?"

Shippo raised a finger as if to make a point and then let it deflate. "I...don't know..."

..:V:..

"What an insufferable jerk!" Kagome raged, stomping her way through the forest with no direction. "A conceited, no-good, insensitive white-haired jerk! He's such a jerky jerk jerk-wad! JERK!"

And then, out of intense anger and feelings of utmost outrage, Kagome took off one of her shoes and flung it into the surrounding brush.

"Ow!" an unidentified voice cried out. A moment later, a tall demon with red eyes and a long black braid came shuffling out of the bushes holding Kagome's thrown shoe in his hand. "Did you throw this?" he asked, rubbing his head. Then his eyes settled on Kagome's face and widened in recognition. "Hey, it's _you_!"

Kagome looked over at him. "Oh, hey, Hiten. Long time no see. Where have you been all this time?"

Hiten spluttered. "Y-you and that mangy half-breed killed me!"

Kagome pondered for a moment. "Oh, that's right. How was that workin' out for ya?"

"I was _dead_!" Hiten yelled as if that explained everything.

"Well, you're obviously not dead now, so what's the problem?" Kagome blinked at him obliviously.

Hiten looked as if he were about to say something, but then he seemed to think for a moment. "You know...you may have a point. Let's just let bygones be bygones! You're too pretty to stay mad at!"

Kagome giggled and put a hand to her blushing cheek. "Oh, you!"

"Oh–but what about that half-dog demon lover of yours?" Hiten asked.

At the reminder of Inuyasha, Kagome flared up again. "That insensitive asshole?" she shrieked. "A lover of _mine_? HA! He's so cruel! He steals all the shards we collect for himself–"

_Uhhh, no he doesn't..._

"–He's constantly insulting every member of our group–"

_Never really with conviction..._

"–He always peeps at me when I take a bath–"

_Sure you're not thinking of Miroku?_

"–He beats me every night–"

_Since when?_

"–He steals my underwear on weekends–"

_...No comment._

"–He's always copping a feel when I ride on his back–"

_If that were true, why do you keep riding on his back?_

"–He never fails to publically humiliate me with his low half-breed status–"

_I thought you didn't care about that?_

"–And he's started to threaten my family if I ever want to go back home and take tests for school!"

_I have it on pretty good authority that he hasn't–_

"Shut _up_, author!" Kagome cut in. "This is my sob story of Inuyasha's jerkyness and you have no right to interrupt or contradict my blatant and horrible falsehoods!"

_...So sorry, madam. Please. Continue._

"So you see!" Kagome continued with a dramatic flair. "I would never EVER be with Inuyasha! Despite that whole 'love' thing and all that, you know..."

Hiten sniffled slightly at the tragic tale that had just been revealed to him. "Oh, of course... Oh, you poor, misunderstood and ill-treated girl! Let me slip out of my cruel and uncaring nature and give you a comforting and manly hug full of underlying lust!"

And he did just that.

Suddenly, Kagome felt loads better. "Oh, Hiten..." she sighed, clutching at the front of his clothes-armour-stuff that he wore. "Will you–?"

But she could get out no more. For suddenly, she was on her back on the ground, pinned by Hiten's body above her. "Oh, Hiten!" she cried in her best flaky, damsel in distress-but-not-so-adverse-to-being-in-"distress" voice.

"Kagome," Hiten breathed heavily and lustfully – _very_ lustfully. "I can't resist you...you drive me wild with desire. I need you."

Kagome took a moment to reflect. "You really don't mind that I was partly responsible for killing your beloved brother?"

Hiten shrugged. "Not if you don't mind I killed that little fox child's parents."

Kagome broke out in a grin. "Then I guess we're all set for the path of true love! ...But first, could you go get me a drink? I'm really thirsty."

Hiten stood up and brushed a few grass blades off his clothes-armour-stuff that he wore. "Oh, sure. No problem. I'll be back in a few, babe!"

And with that, he flew off.

Kagome smiled happily to herself. Soon all would be great. She had left that uncaring Inuyasha behind and got herself a _great_ new boyfriend. Everything was spiffing!

She waited for him to come back...and waited...and waited... After fifteen minutes after he'd initially left, Kagome got frustrated, bored and lonely, and decided to go look for her glorious, sensitive and wholesome new lover.

She trudged faithfully through the brush for another five minutes before she stumbled upon a clearing and saw a black-braided man before her, with his back to her. "Hiten!" she cried happily and launched herself at him. She wrapped her arms around him from behind and snuggled right up close to him.

"Uh...what?" the young man inquired in a baffled and surprised tone.

"Oh, Hiten, my love, don't kid around with me!" Kagome laughed shrilly, releasing the man and turning him around to face her.

"No, really...what?" the man asked again, just as confused.

Kagome stamped her foot and adopted a petulant expression. "Hiten, don't tease me so!"

The man leaned forward so that he and Kagome were eye to eye. "I'm not Hiten, lady! My name's Bankotsu!"

_This is a tad reminiscent of Inuyasha's first meeting with you, Kagome..._

"Oh, who asked you?" Kagome snapped irritably.

_I was just on my way out..._

"That's better...now, Hiten, my love–"

"I'm _not_ Hiten!" Bankotsu cut her off. "I'm Bankotsu!"

"Well, really, what difference does it make?" Kagome demanded, once again stamping her foot. "I'm hot and you look like Hiten – what's the problem here?"

Bankotsu was about to protest, but then thought differently about the idea. "You know, your logical is hard to beat," he conceded. "But really, if we're going to hook up, I'd much rather you call me Bankotsu than Hiten. We're clearly different individuals."

Before Kagome could respond, a familiar voice cut her off. "I'm back, my sweet!"

Hiten suddenly flew down from above and landed in the clearing, looking from Kagome to Bankotsu curiously. He was loosely holding a cup filled with a purple beverage in his hand.

Bankotsu gave Hiten the once-over. "Ha! You see! I have brown eyes and bangs whereas he has red eyes and no bangs! We may be both sadistic and cruel and in every other physical way alike, but we are _clearly_ different characters!"

Kagome's expression was dismayed. "Ohhh...now there are _two _of you! How will I ever be able to choose between you? I guess you'll just have to fight over me!"

Bankotsu had an uncertain look. "Well, I don't know about tha–"

He never got to finish his sentence, however, because Hiten launched himself at him, yelling, "I'll do anything for lust! Die, vermin, die!"

And so Kagome looked on as Hiten and Bankotsu grappled and tussled, rolling around on the ground in an all-out brawl.

"Did you orchestrate this?" Jakotsu asked Kagome, walking up beside her with a disturbingly gleeful look on his face. "Very niiice..."

"Uhhh..." Kagome looked at Jakotsu uneasily and inched slightly away.

"AHEM! Just what _exactly_ is going on here?" Naraku's slithering voice announced his presence before he too entered the clearing. "Bankotsu, didn't I revive you so that you could annoy Inuyasha and such? What are you doing?"

"Aren't you supposed to be kinda dead or disappeared or otherwise impossible to find 'cause you're hiding in a purifying barrier of doom where you will soon absorb a mountain and make another detachment that will contain your human heart, thus enabling you to kill Kikyo...again...with no more luck than the last time...?" Kagome asked him.

Naraku shrugged. "Tomato, tomahto... You really just need to relax and let the technical issues slide. I mean, if it works for the purpose of the story..."

"Hm...plot-driven plot-holes...what a fascinating concept..." Kagome mused.

"Isn't it?" Naraku agreed amiably. "But back to the matter at hand. Bankotsu! Why have you made me come all the way out here in the dreaded sunshine to make me put you back in line?"

"Uh...sorry, Naraku, sir," Bankotsu said as he and Hiten disentangled themselves from one another and straightened up. "We were just, uh..."

It seemed that the ties holding Bankotsu and Hiten's braids had been lost or shredded in their tussle and all of a sudden, their hair flowed out, restrained by the braids no longer. Each of their hair was somewhat crimped from the previous hairdo and as they turned around, Kagome was faced with Bankotsu, Hiten and Naraku; three evil bishies with long, slightly crimped black hair and looking practically identical.

If she had had a dilemma _before_...

"Ahhhhh!" she screeched. "There are _three_ of you!"

The three evil bishies exchanged horrified glances. "Ahhh!" they screamed in unison.

"Wait!" Bankotsu cried. "I am still unique! I have brown eyes and bangs!"

"I have bangs," Naraku pointed out. "And red eyes!"

"I have red eyes too," Hiten protested.

"You're like...you're like...all the same, except with two different features mismatched throughout the three of you..." Kagome said in half-fright, half-awe. "I wonder if it's like a collector's set...find a brown-eyed, bangless evil bishie and you've got the whole collection!"

"The important thing here is for you to choose who you want to be with!" Hiten insisted in an impatient tone.

"Bu-bu-but you're all like...the same! Well, except that perhaps Naraku gets more sinister music accompanying his presence than you other two..."

"You know it, baby!" Naraku said, winking and totally forgetting why he was there in the first place.

"But how can I choose between three of pretty much the same person?" Kagome wailed, clutching her head in complete indecision.

"I know _I_ wouldn't be able to," Jakotsu piped up. "But really, if three gorgeous men _all_ wanted to be with _me_, I wouldn't be able to turn _any_ of them away."

Kagome turned to face him, shoving a finger in his face. "Let's get one thing straight. You're creepy. ...But you may have a point." She turned back to the awaiting evil bishies. "Alright, gir–er, boys! You'll just have to timeshare me!"

"Well, Kagome and I already have those midnight trysts going on since the fourth chapter..." Naraku mused. "So you boys can split up the rest of the time to be with her."

"Hot diggedy damn!" Hiten crowed. "How about we alternate, each getting her every other day?"

Bankotsu shrugged. "Sounds like a plan to me."

"What's all the ruckus?" Kagura asked, coming into the clearing with Kanna.

"I just got myself three new boyfriends who are _sure_ to treat me better than Inuyasha ever did!" Kagome cried happily. "C'mon, guys, let's go get better acquainted!"

And with that, Kagome scampered off with her three evil bishies to undoubtably indulge in activities involving LUST and PRIMAL INSTINCTS.

Jakotsu was left with Kagura and Kanna in the clearing, gazing after the love flock as they departed. But suddenly, Jakotsu caught sight of Kagura's hairdo. With a slight shriek, he gazed into Kanna's mirror and took in how his hair was styled in nearly the exact same way.

"Oh, bloody hell..." he sighed in resignation.

_Oh, bloody hell...

* * *

_

A/N (Super Ceech) One last chapter to go...can anyone guess what it will be? -evil grin- 


	21. Mary Sue Medley!

A/N(Super Ceech) And here comes the FINAL chapter of Love is Blind. Last one, guys! There will be no more after this! So enjoy this parting chapter to the fullest!

A/N (Calum the Angel) Mary-Sues everywhere...BEWARE!

Sora, Akara and Rasha: RUN AWAY!

* * *

She descended from the heavens on the pearly white wings of an angel. Half human, half cat demon, half bird demon, half wolf demon, half dog demon, she was the very picture of beauty. Her long, long, LONG, shimmering, shining, glossy, matted, framed hair streamed out behind her like a cascade of obsidian. Well, not really, since obsidian is actually a stone, so it was really more like really long, fine strands of pliable obsidian. That's what her hair was like. Anyhow, it was black. But gorgeous! And her eyes. Don't get me started on her eyes. Violet, like the flower that bears that same name, and like anything else that is violet. Eggplant, perhaps? But such a vegetable is unsuited to a beauty like her. She wore a silky pink kimono that accentuated her every curve, her SLIM waist and her LARGE breasts and her FINE rear-end. Need I go on?

...Well I will.

Her mother had been the most powerful priestess in the land, a long-time rival of the second-most powerful priestess in the land, Kikyo. Her name was Utsukushiisakurakanpeki-kun-san-sama-chan, but usually just went by Sally. Her father had been the most powerful demon in the land, a long-time rival of the second-most powerful demon in the land, Inutaisho. His name was Ringo-Momo, but usually just went by Most Powerful Demon In The Land.

But I digress.

Last we heard, she was descending from the sky in all her gorgeosity and beautifulness when she spotted a group of people on the ground with her crystalline, sky blue eyes. She landed right in front of them, her powerful aura of powerfulness and gorgeosity bringing two of their ranks to their knees in shock and amazement.

One was a hanyou, much like she was, only not quite as beautiful and without quite as much impressive credentials, with long silver hair and golden eyes.

"Are you a goddess?" he asked in awe. "My name is Inuyasha, and I'm in love with you."

"Really?" the totally hot babe said. Her voice was like the clear crystal chime of clear crystal bells on a clear crystal day. "That is very interesting. Even though I am far too important and awesome to fall in love, I slowly find myself attracted to your mediocrity and wish to steal you away from any of the people you're actually in love with."

"I'm in love with no other!" Inuyasha shouted. "I only love you! I was a fool to think that I ever loved Kagome or Kikyo when there's you!"

"Hey!" a girl in strange clothing protested. She glared at the wondrous woman of wondrous awesomeness. "See here, you—!"

"Now now," the sexy lady chided. "Even though I am the most powerful being in all the world, I am highly opposed to violence. I am supposed to be a friendly figure to you, one you can relate with and swap girly stories with. In fact, we will become such good friends, you will very graciously allow me to covet Inuyasha."

"Oh," Kagome said with a smile. "Okay!"

"Pray, what is your name, o beauteous one?" Miroku inquired.

"To say my name would bring about the destruction of the entire world," the comely female explained. "No living being has ever uttered it and lived to tell the tale. So just call me Marisu, if you must."

"Marisu, would you do me the honour of bearing my children?" Miroku pleaded.

"I cannot have children until I willfully choose to," Marisu explained. "That way, I can have relations with whomever I choose and never get pregnant."

"Convenient..." Sango muttered suspiciously.

Marisu turned her vibrant green eyes on the monk. "However, I do not see why you cannot at least try your luck. Would you care to spend a night of passion with me?" She flipped her shiny, shimmering, glittering, fluorescent, incandescent obsidian hair over her perfect, feminine shoulder.

"Would I?" Miroku exclaimed.

Conveniently, it was now night, and there was a conveniently placed shack nearby. Conveniently, Kagome, Sango, Kirara and Shippou all went off picking wild flowers for no particular reason.

Inuyasha sat in a lone tree, surveying the shack. Marisu and Miroku were in there now, and Inuyasha was extremely jealous.

Soon, lemons and limes started flying out the door of the shack. Inuyasha hopped down from his tree branch and sniffed one of the citrus fruits.

"Hm," he murmured. "Metaphors."

Marisu and Miroku stumbled out of the shack. Well, Miroku stumbled, and Marisu walked gracefully and with perfect poise. Miroku's hair was tousled and his hair rumpled. Marisu's hair and clothing were perfect, as usual.

"I'm going to ask you what the hell was going on in there," Inuyasha stated. "I'm just an innocent little hanyou, and no one ever told me about the birds and the bees. Maybe you can teach me, Marisu!"

"Come," she beckoned him sexily, her warm brown eyes glittering seductively in the moonlight.

Miroku sat by the lone tree and watched as more citrus fruit started getting flung from the door of the shack. He noticed as a large, pinkish-orange one bounced over next to him.

"A grapefruit...?"

Inuyasha stumbled out of the shack, and Marisu followed, still as perfect as ever.

"Now I am the one who is jealous!" Miroku exclaimed.

"Then why do you not team up and both fawn over me together?" Marisu suggested.

Inuyasha and Miroku shared a look, and shook hands. The three entered the shack, and the following ensued: Marisu/Miroku/Inuyasha, Marisu/Inuyasha/Miroku, Inuyasha/Marisu/Miroku, Inuyasha/Miroku/Marisu, Miroku/Inuyasha/Marisu, and Miroku/Marisu/Inuyasha.

The next morning, Marisu decided it was time for her to leave. Conveniently, Kagome, Sango, Kirara and Shippou had not yet returned from picking flowers.

"But why?" Inuyasha demanded. "You're the only woman I've ever truly loved!"

"You are also the only woman I have ever truly loved!" Miroku added. "Why must you break our manly-yet-sensitive hearts thus?"

"Do not worry," Marisu said softly, looking back over her feminine shoulder with dazzling gray eyes and offering the sweetest smile in the history of sweet smiles. They melted on the spot into two puddles. Marisu sighed. "That always happens... Well, if you can still hear me, I will return to you...someday. For now, I must go defeat Naraku."

So she flew away; never to be seen again? It shall be revealed in a later chapter that will never be written.

She was flying majestically over a mountaintop when she spotted a lone wolf demon on a conveniently flat, sheltered, seductive plateau. She soon found her heart softening once again to the mediocrity of the common demon. She landed before him in a flash of unfettered glory, and he gaped at her gorgeosity and beautifulness.

"I find you rather attractive," Marisu said to the wolf demon. "I would do well perhaps to comment on how muscular you are, or perhaps how lovely your hair is, or what charming blue eyes you have. What is your name?"

"K-Kouga..." he stammered. "You are by far the most beautiful sight I have ever laid eyes upon. Way more beautiful than what's-her-face, Kaga... Kaga, Mumu, whatever... You've come at a good time: I was just angstily contemplating how romantically lonely I am, and was hoping someone such as yourself would arrive and relieve me of my sexual frustration."

"That can be arranged," Marisu said suggestively. Despite her suggestive tone, her voice was always chaste and very pretty. "I am part wolf demon, you know."

"Oh, good!" Kouga exclaimed. "Wolves are monogamous, after all, and you are the only one I could ever love!"

Conveniently, it was night again. Many citrus fruits went flying over the peaks of the mountain. Conveniently, Ginta, Hakkaku and all the wolves were on guard-duty elsewhere and never thought to go search for their leader, who had mysteriously disappeared for some time now.

Ginta was bonked on the head by something, and he managed to catch it in his hand before it fell to the ground.

"A lemon?" he said, puzzled. "Where did this come from?"

"I heard lemons are bad omens!" Hakkaku cried anxiously. "Throw it away, throw it away!"

Ginta hastily tossed the fruit over the side of a cliff like a hot potato.

When it was morning again, Marisu needed to depart again.

"My little wolfy heart is breaking," Kouga said sorrowfully, "But I know you are bound to destroy Naraku, and I will not try to stop you. I will never forget you."

Marisu looked back at Kouga one last time, her ghostly white eyes filled with regret. "Farewell."

She made one last little detour on her way to Naraku's castle, which she knew the exact location of due to her vast magical powers, which she learned from the second-most powerful magician in the land (she was the first, of course.) She spotted a demon man on the ground, and he was by far the most magnificent specimen she had ever laid eyes upon. His long silver hair undulated sensuously in the breeze that always seemed to be around when there was long hair to be undulated, and a large fluffy...thing was slung over his shoulder. This was by far the softest, fluffiest looking...fluffy...she had ever seen.

She landed before him. He did not fall to his knees, and therefore had the best self-control of any man she had ever met.

"You are beautiful, and I find even my stone cold heart melting," the man said. "I, Sesshoumaru, should like to drag you off into the forest and take off my clothes."

"Okay, but then I _really_ have to be somewhere," she agreed.

Conveniently, Jaken and Rin had gone off to...um, to... Well, they just weren't there. Sesshoumaru and Marisu wandered off into the forest, and, as Sesshoumaru had promised, he began removing his kimono.

Marisu sat by a tree and watched. "I find you very prettily attractive. The sight of your finely sculpted chest makes my heart beat faster."

"It gets better," Sesshoumaru purred. He bent down and began to remove his shoes. Or at least he would have, were they not double knotted.

"Come on, stupid things!" Sesshoumaru muttered, hopping around on one foot trying to unlace his shoe on the other. "Why must you never undo when I'm about to get lai-ai-ai-aid!"

"I can help you," Marisu offered. She snapped her fingers and conveniently, Sesshoumaru was naked. He looked down at himself and covered up with his fluffy modestly.

"I am impressed and embarrassed by your sexy skills," he said, blushing.

Not long after, night had conveniently fallen and many a citrus fruit went flying out from the forest. Rin gathered up the lemons and limes happily, as she was actually collecting fruit with Jaken at the time.

As Marisu flew away after giving Sesshoumaru a long, angsty speech about how the threads of fate had become tangled and could not be undone by a simple clothing-removal spell, Sesshoumaru lazed upon his fluffy in the forest and looked up at the sky.

"She'll be back," he said. "They ALWAYS come back!"

Finally, Marisu arrived at Naraku's castle. She could have easily blown it up and ended it there, but she was very opposed to violence of any sort. She walked right in, through the seductive corridors and into Naraku's seductive private chamber. He did not stop her, for he was captivated by her beauty.

"For some reason I cannot explain, I have fallen in love with you," Naraku said. "Even though technically I should love no one, nor should I have a gender."

Not only was Marisu strikingly beautiful, but she also had the most advanced intellect of anyone alive at the time. She would lull Naraku into a false sense of security before destroying him, the only way she knew how...

"Perhaps you would enjoy inflaming your passions with me," she offered. "It does not even have to be night. That sexy miasma around your castle provides the proper mood lighting."

"But...there's something you should know about me..." Naraku mumbled, suddenly embarrassed. "I have no genitalia..."

"But there are so many other fun things we could do," Marisu suggested.

So limes went shooting out of Naraku's seductive private chamber, covering the floor of the seductive corridor outside.

After the flow of limes had ceased, Marisu suddenly jumped up and outstretched her palm at Naraku, red eyes flashing dangerously.

"I will now destroy you, because that is my true calling in life!"

"Pff," Naraku snorted. "Loosen up, baby."

She fired a shot of pure energy at Naraku. He leapt out of the way just in time. The blast created a giant hole in the wall, and in one side of the castle, and everything else that happened to get in the way. It finally stopped and exploded where the Mongolian Desert still stands today.

Marisu gaped at the hole she had caused— and it wasn't through Naraku!

"I m-m-missed?-!-?-!" she cried in horror. Smoke began pouring off of her once-hot body, and she slowly fell to the ground into a puddle. "No! My powers! They're evaporating! I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world...!"

Inuyasha, Miroku, Kouga, Sesshoumaru and Naraku all cried because Marisu was dead.

The end.

* * *

A/N (Calum the Angel) Just for reference, a rough translation of the name of Marisu's mother, the priestess Utsukushiisakurakanpeki-kun-san-sama-chan, is Beautiful Cherry Blossom Perfect Male-Friend Mrs. Queen Female-Friend. A rough translation of the name of Marisu's father, the demon Ringo-Momo, is Apple Peach. XD

A/N (Super Ceech) And sadly, this concludes Love is Blind once and for all! We hope you all enjoyed it, but we're not hanging you out to dry quite yet! Go check out our new parody, Copy and Paste, on Calum the Angel's account! You can access her profile through my Favourite Authors list. Drop in and tell us what you think!


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